


Universal attraction (l’attraction universelle)

by fauu_stine



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: 1st Year Isak, 2nd Year Isak, 3rd Year Even, Ableist Language, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Bipolar Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Manic Episode, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, POV Even Bech Næsheim, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking, a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2018-12-05 12:41:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 42,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauu_stine/pseuds/fauu_stine
Summary: “Yes. But I don’t like it. I think we have to meet each other, in every universe. Maybe in another one, we already met? I mean, we met earlier, before this party,” Even answered finally.“I guess it’s possible, too.”“That’s so cool. You’re so interesting! Wait, I just thought about Newton’s thing. Universal attraction.”"Universal gravitation,” Isak corrected, still a bit red after his previous compliment.“Yeah, yeah, that. See! Everything is linked! Maybe some people are meant to meet, because of that attraction law, in every universe. Maybe we were meant to meet, Isak. Don’t you think?”-- Isak and Jonas went to the Bakka party instead of the Penetrators’ one (Episode 1, Season 2). Set just at the beginning of Even’s episode.[EVEN’s POV]





	1. Hide behind that baby face

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to [Sabine](http://sabiiiiine.tumblr.com/) for beta-ing! It's my first time writing in english and I couldn't have done it without her precious help.
> 
> I'm probably going to write 4 or 5 parts. 
> 
> Enjoy <3

 

 

_Did you stand there all alone?_

_Oh I cannot explain what's going down_

_I can see you standing next to me_

_In and out, somewhere else right now_

_You sigh, look away_

_I can see it clear as day_

_Close your eyes, so afraid_

_Hide behind that baby face_

_[[Cage The Elephant – Cigarette Daydreams](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opeETnB8m8w)]_

 

 *

Even felt on top of the world.

The last few weeks, he definitely hadn’t felt like it. He had been stressed out by school and spent too much time on personal projects – filming, drawing, writing (and maybe smoking too), so he found himself late on his school work and he didn’t know how to catch up. Plus, his relationship with Sonja wasn’t so good lately. They fought for the smallest things, they didn’t seem to agree on anything, and the more she reproached him for neglecting her for his friends, the more he did it. On top of that, he slowly realised that he had been staring at his best friend Mikael a little too much, a little too long. The problem wasn’t the _I think this guy is hot, does that mean I’m gay?_ part. He’s known for a while that he liked boys the same way he liked girls and he was fine with it. He hasn’t said anything to Sonja or his friends yet but his parents knew, so it was a start. At the end of the day, it really wasn’t a big deal for him. It wasn’t what kept him awake at night. Mikael was. He could like boys the same way he liked girls, but he couldn’t like his _best friend_ the same way he liked Sonja. It was possibly his worst idea yet.

In short, he hasn’t slept and worried way too much.

But tonight, he felt great. _Wonderful_.

He had so many ideas and the music was awesome and he was so happy to be at this party with his friends and Mikael and Sonja and everything seemed _just_ _perfect_. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the weed, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to question it.

\- “Man, Sonja is pissed at you,” said Elias with a mocking smile.

Even saw her on the other side of the room. She was talking to her friends, or was pretending to, while glancing discreetly (well, not really) at him. She, indeed, looked pissed. They might have fought on their way to the party, _again_ , though it was mostly Sonja snapping at him and Even nodding without really listening to her. Why fight when the night was so beautiful, honestly?

- “What did you do this time?” Mikael asked playfully.

- “He doesn’t need to do anything to piss her off, you know,” Adam commented in the same tone.

- “She’s always pissed off these days,” Mutasim added.

- “I mean, that’s none of our business but… They’re right,” Yousef concluded with a grimace.

His friends didn't dislike Sonja. Most of the time, they avoided the subject. During their 'bro time' no girlfriend-talking was allowed. Well, except tonight, apparently.

Four years ago, at the beginning of their relationship, the boys were pretty enthusiastic about Sonja. They used to say she was "hot and funny," which meant a lot coming from them.

Sonja was not only his girlfriend, but his best friend and confidant. They were great together. At least, they used to be. For the longest time, they had been the kind of couple who didn't argue, who would make out like it was just the two of them in front of everyone, and two seconds later, would tease each other like kids. He loved their relationship and he loved that version of his girlfriend.

Nevertheless, this year, Sonja started to change and maybe he changed too, truth to be told. They didn't talk or laugh anymore. They just fought all the time and they became that couple who make a scene in front of all of their friends at parties.

The boys didn't dislike Sonja. But they weren't really fond of her or them as a couple anymore.

Even couldn’t blame them. Sonja and he were a mess, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

- “Seriously guys, you’re not helping me right now.”

His friends all but burst out laughing. He couldn’t blame them for that, either. This situation was becoming completely ridiculous. So he laughed with them.

On the other side of the room, Sonja gave him a death stare.

- “You’re not getting laid anytime soon, bro.”

- “Elias. Shut up,” Mikael replied.

Even stared at his best friend (again) a little too long, a little too fondly.

 _Stop this shit right now_.

He took his beer and finished it in one long swallow.

- “Wow, slow down dude, you have all night!” Elias exclaimed.

- “Excuse me, I didn’t realise you were my girlfriend,” said Even.

He took and opened another beer.

- “He’s right, you do sound like Sonja,” Adam joked.

\- “Let the guy enjoy his night while he still can,” said Mutasim.

- “I’m not like her!” Elias protested. “I don’t care! Just don’t count on me for dragging your drunk ass at home.”

- “Don’t worry, I’ve got you, bro,” said Yousef, patting him on the back.

Even looked at all his friends and just felt lucky to have them. He didn’t really care if Sonja was mad at him in that moment. He was going to have an awesome night, with or without her.

He took a sip of beer, and another one.

Then he grabbed Mikael’s hand and dragged him in the middle of the room where other people were dancing. Mikael giggled and let him without protest. _Oh my god he’s so cute,_ thought Even.

_No, stop it._

- “Come on guys! I didn't teach you how to dance for you to not show off your new talents!” He yelled.

- “Asshole, you learned from me!” Yousef exclaimed.

- “You have no proof.”

His friends joined him and everything felt right.

_I’m on top of the world._

*

One hour and three beers later, Even was the only one dancing in the crowd. He vaguely remembered his friends leaving to find a spot to sit. _“Damn man, aren’t you tired? Take a break!”_ said one of them, though he couldn’t tell who, but he wasn’t tired. On the contrary, he was full of energy and wanted nothing more than to dance, drink, and laugh with everybody around him. He was a pretty extroverted guy. Tonight, it was a whole new level; he literally couldn’t stop talking. He talked to vague acquaintances, to classmates, and even to some complete strangers.

Now, he needed to find Sonja and tell her he loved her, even if she was mad and had been a real pain in the ass these last few days.

He was looking for her when he laid eyes on the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.

_He looks like an angel._

The angel, or the boy, was trying to cross the crowd. His cherub face was a little red, probably from the heat and the alcohol. He had delicate blond curls and appealing lips.

Even didn’t think twice. He ran after the beautiful boy and ended up alone with him in the kitchen. The mysterious stranger didn’t notice him. He seemed to be looking for something, opening and closing various cupboards in the kitchen.

- “Hey, do you need something?” Even asked.

The boy jumped, surprised, before turning around. His mouth was slightly open and he looked even more perfect now that Even could see him better. He was both hot and cute all at the same time. How was that even possible?

- “I’m- I’m sorry, I... I was just looking for something to drink,” he explained, seeming ill-at-ease.

Even took a step forward. The pretty stranger stared at the floor, then the wall. Anything but him.

_Green. He has green eyes. The most beautiful ones._

- “Relax. I’ve got you.”

He knew the guy who was throwing the party and he had even helped him a few hours ago filling a second fridge in some kind of laundry room, right next to the kitchen. So he knew just fine how to find the boy a drink.

He took two beers in the fridge and came back quickly, like if he was afraid the angel would disappear on him.

- “Thanks,” he said after Even gave him the beer.

And he smiled. _So bright._ Even felt his heart beat fast in his chest.

He sat on the kitchen counter, his eyes never leaving him. He opened his beer, took a sip and pulled a joint out of his pocket.

- “Join me?” asked Even.

The boy smiled again, nodded and jumped on the counter next to him. Even fought the urge to slip his hand into the golden curls. Instead, he lit the joint and took a long drag before offering it to…

- “What’s your name?”

- “Isak,” he said shyly. “You?”

- “Nice to meet you, Isak. I’m Even. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before. You’re not from Bakka, right?” he asked, despite already knowing the answer. There was no way he would have missed this beautiful boy.

- “Nah, Nissen. First year,” Isak replied. “Is this your house?”

- “No, it’s my classmate’s. Are you alone? How did you end up here?”

_Oh my god, easy on the questions, Even..._

- “Uh, no, no, I came with my best friend but he’s… Well, he’s kind of busy at the moment.”  Even reminds himself to thank Isak’s friend for being too busy hooking up with someone right now, if he ever meets him.

- “I can keep you company then,” he offered.

He realised Isak was still avoiding his gaze. Was he nervous or something?

- “You don’t have to. I’m fine,” said the boy.

They didn’t move and they kept sharing the joint, while drinking their beer. Even wanted to say a thousand things but he couldn’t focus long enough to actually speak a proper thought.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Isak moving his head to the rhythm of the music. He probably didn’t realize he was doing it and Even found it adorable. Everything about this boy was endearing.

- “N.W.A,” he said.

Isak blushed, realizing what he was doing. Even’s heart jumped again in his chest.

- “Yeah. I’m quite a big fan.”

- “That’s what gets you going?”

- “That’s what you listen to when you want to feel tough.”

Tough? He looked like the softest boy on earth. Even wanted to keep him that way.

- “Have you listened to anything from NAS?”

- “NAS?” Isak repeated.

- “Are you kidding? You haven’t checked that out?” Even teased and blew the smoke towards him.

The younger boy frowned.

- “I’ve listened to it. NAS. NAS?”

- “Have you even heard of it?” Even mocked with a smile.

- “I’ve heard of it!” Isak exclaimed, faking outrage.

- “It doesn’t sound like it.”

Even started laughing and Isak fought against a smile.

_Please keep smiling at me._

- “I’ve heard of it…”

- “You should listen to it later.”

Their eyes met and Isak didn't look away. He didn’t seem as shy as he was a few minutes ago.

- “Tell me something about you. Something you like or, I don’t know, anything. Something you would like to share but never would with a complete stranger,” Even asked.

- “Well, you are a complete stranger,” Isak pointed out with an amused expression.

- “Am I? I’m not. I gave you beer, weed, and good music recommendations. I think we’re pretty close now. Come on! Tell me something, play the game.”

- “All right, all right!”

He stayed silent a moment, lost in his thoughts.

- “Ok, but it’s stupid,” Isak said finally.

- “No, it’s not. Just tell me, I won’t judge. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

- “Fine. Do you know Newton?”

- “Like, the physicist? Wait, he has your name, right? Isaac Newton?”

- “Yes, him.”

- “What about him?”

- “I just wrote about Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation today. You asked me to tell you something, anything. And I thought about it. Sorry, it’s lame.”

- “No, it’s not! What’s that law? What does it mean?”

- “Well, in short: two bodies, each possessing a mass, are subjected to gravitational interaction. They exert on each other forces called gravitational attraction; in other words, they are attracted to each other.”

_He’s so smart. He’s beautiful and smart. He’s perfect._

- “Oh, it’s like, the story about the apple falling toward Earth and not up and away?” Even said after a few seconds of reflection.

- “Yes! Exactly!”

Isak looked so happy. He really seemed to be into physics. Even wondered if he had the opportunity to talk to someone about it in his everyday life. Probably not, judging by his excitement.

- “And do you think it works for humans too?” Even asked. The boy frowned.

- “What do you mean?”

- “Well, do you think there is some kind of attraction force between some people? You know how one person can feel attracted to someone else? Just like that, without rational explanations. And no one can fight that attraction.”

- “I don’t know. I don’t think that was what Newton had in mind,” Isak said, amused.

- “Maybe it was. Maybe not. But it’s fucking interesting, thank you for sharing this with me Isak!”

He blushed and took a sip of beer without commenting.

- “So you like sciences?”

- “Yeah, I do. You? What do you like?”

- “Movies,” Even replied and Isak made a funny noise. “What?”

- “You want to be an actor?”

- “No, why?”

- “I don’t know, you… You seem to be sure of yourself, very comfortable and you’re good lo-“

He stopped and froze. Even smirked.

- “Isak, were you about to make a compliment about my handsomeness?”

- “No, no!”

- “So you don’t think I’m good looking?”

- “I- No, I didn’t say that either!”

He looked completely panicked. Even laughed and he leaned against his shoulder.

- “It’s fine, I was only teasing you. I’m sorry.”

- “I know,” Isak whispered, avoiding his gaze again.

- “I don’t want to be an actor,” Even then said. “I’m going to be a director.”

- “Oh yeah?”

- “Yeah. I like the idea that I can direct a movie like I can direct my life, you know? Make my own choices. I actually think life is like a movie. Do you get what I mean?”

This time, Isak turned to look at him.

- “I do. I don’t quite agree though.”

- “No?”

- “No, I like the idea of infinity.”

- “What?”

- “Yes, all the parallel universes and all, kind of, how big everything is, and how small we are compared to the infinite parallel universes that exist, and how everything that can happen is going to happen. Or not just going to happen. It is happening. All our possible choices create an infinity of other universes. Maybe in another universe you didn’t come in this kitchen and we never met, or I never came to this party. You know what I mean?”

Even didn't remember the last time he had a discussion this captivating. Maybe he was drunk, maybe he was high, but he sure felt wide awake. Alive. _Whole_.

He wanted nothing more but kiss this cute boy. He craved it. But he couldn’t, and he knew it, so he stared without shame until Isak blushed under the attention.

- “Yes. But I don’t like it. I think we have to meet each other, in every universe. Maybe in another one, we already met? I mean, we met earlier, before this party,” Even answered finally.

- “I guess it’s possible, too.”

- “That’s so cool. You’re so interesting! Wait, I just thought about Newton’s thing. Universal attraction.”

- “Universal gravitation,” Isak corrected, still a bit red after his previous compliment.

- “Yeah, yeah, that. See! Everything is linked! Maybe some people are meant to meet, because of that attraction law, in every universe. Maybe we were meant to meet, Isak. Don’t you think?”

Isak looked at him, speechless. Even touched his blond curls with his fingertips and the younger boy didn’t move. This time, he didn’t look away either. More than that, Even would swear that Isak’s eyes had lingered for a few seconds on his lips.

- “Isak, you’re the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen,” Even confessed, a bit closer to his face.

But he didn’t have the chance to discover Isak’s next move or figure out his own.

Sonja had just entered the kitchen. She wasn't mad anymore. On the contrary, she smiled at him for the first time in what felt like forever. For a moment, he was seeing the girl he fell in love with – the one that was hot and funny.

He wasn’t even thinking when he said,

- “Sonja, this is my new friend Isak. Isak, this is my girlfriend Sonja.”

And kissed her, because that’s what he was supposed to do, isn’t it?

He realised the pretty boy was not on the counter anymore when he broke away from his kiss with a joyful Sonja. He felt guilty. It wasn't logical but he felt guilty, like Sonja wasn't the person he was meant to kiss. Without thinking twice, he left Sonja in the kitchen and rushed after Isak. The room was still full of people and he saw him nowhere. He shouted his name, even if he knew it was vain; the music too loud, the boy surely already far away.

- “Even, what the fuck?” He heard Sonja behind him.

He didn’t turn around, still desperately looking for blonde curls  in the crowd.

- “You ok, man?” Asked someone else. Elias, he realised after a moment.

- “Where is he?” Even said out loud.

- “Who?”

It was Mikael. His heart didn't even jump when his best friend put a hand on his shoulder.

- “What’s wrong Even? You’re so weird lately. Are you drunk? Did you smoke? Come on, let’s go home, let’s…” Sonja was saying, but he wasn’t really listening to her.

All he could think was _Isak, Isak, Isak_.

 

And finally, _where are you, angel?_

 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think, I'd love some feedback <3
> 
> Next chapter will be longer!
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr ](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/).


	2. You’re gone but you’re on my mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /!\ Depiction of mania and depression

 

 

_Your head is so numb, that nervous breath you try to hide_

_Between the motions, that trembling tender little sigh_

_And so it goes, a choking rose back_

_To be reborn, I want to hold you like you're mine_

_You see the sad in everything_

_A genius of love and loneliness_

_Guess life is long when soaked in sadness_

_On borrowed time from Mr Madness_

_And so it goes, a choking rose back_

_To be reborn, I want to hold you like you're mine_

_You're gone but you're on my mind_

_I'm lost but I don't know why_

_[[Glass Animals - Agnes](https://open.spotify.com/track/20ssRFDQ67rymTcJOEEdBj)]_

 

*

The next few days were messy. Sonja was worried; so worried that he had to argue with her for an hour to stop her from telling anything to his parents. She was convinced that he was taking drugs. She was all over him, all the time, and Even was getting sick of it. The worst part was that he couldn't even kiss her or even look at her without thinking about the angel boy he met at the party. He didn't know why he was so obsessed. It didn't make any sense. He felt guilty and couldn't figure out if it was because he wanted Isak more than Sonja or because he was with her while he felt like he was supposed to be with him. Everything was too much.

He didn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking. He had thousands of ideas and he started spending his nights drawing, filming, writing. He watched movies and took notes in all the notebooks he could find. He always had dry paint on his hands. It was overwhelming and amazing at the same time.

He was avoiding Sonja and she wasn't even upset. She just looked worried. His parents started to ask questions he couldn't answer. He felt great, nothing less, nothing more. Everything was fine.

*

It was 4 am when he found Isak’s Instagram and saw a picture of him with a pretty, smiling girl. He tried to convince himself it was just a friend.

_Why do you care anyway? You have a girlfriend._

*

The weekend after the party, he went to the Bakkoush house. He was making stupid videos with the boys when Sana, Elias's little sister, came home. He realized she was a student at Nissen and it was likely that she knew Isak. So he waited and when she went to the kitchen, he told the boys he was getting a drink and joined her.

He liked Sana. She always pretended she was annoyed when they were over, but she always smiled at him. In exchange, Even asked about her day and a few times, they talked about Islam and what it felt like to be a young Muslim girl in Norway. She had a very modern point of view on the Quran and its interpretation. Last year, she gave him a copy as a birthday present that he still kept on his bedside table.

She was also very mature. She gave him advice once after he fought with Sonja, and he didn't know what to do (and the boys had been completely useless).

\- “Halla Sana,” Even said and she smiled at him. It was definitely his favourite thing about her.  She was preparing tea, so he offered to do it for her. She hesitated a moment, then agreed. In confidence, she had once told him that she was very fond of his way of making tea. It always tasted better than hers’. Well, she didn't admit his was better than hers’, but it was better in general. It was enough of a compliment coming from her.

He made tea and when they both had a cup in hand, he asked, “Do you know someone called Isak at Nissen? He’s in first year.”

She frowned.

- “Why?”

- “I met him at a party last week.”

She considered him for a few seconds and then abdicated.

- “Yeah. He used to be friends with one of my best friends. Maybe they still are, I don’t know,” Sana explained.

- “Does he have a girlfriend?”

She became even more intrigued and suspicious.

- “Why?” Sana asked again.

- “I saw a picture on his Instagram. Just wondering.”

- “Why don’t you ask him yourself then?”

- “We haven't talked since the party. Come on, Sana! Please, just tell me!”

Even had spoken a bit too loudly and by the glance he got, he understood that Sana knew. She always knew everything anyway, as if she could read people's minds, and maybe she could – who knows? Fortunately, she wasn't the type to repeat to Elias or anyone else that he might have a crush on a semi-angel-stranger.

- “Yes, he has a girlfriend. Her name is Sara,” she finally answered, in a very calm voice.

He realized it was the same voice Sonja had used with him these past few days. Like she didn't want to upset him. Like he wasn’t himself.

_Am I?_

- “Even, the fuck are you doing?” Elias yelled from the other room.  Sana and he stared at each other for an indefinite period.

- “Gotta go,” Even mumbled and she nodded.

_Why am I not feeling myself?_

*

It got worse.

After his parents, Sonja, and Sana, the boys started to notice something was off with him, as well. They said he looked tired even if he was always full of energy. He didn’t remember the last time he slept. Maybe three days ago? He wasn’t sure. And nothing could calm him. Not even Elias' legendary "chill bro," nor Mikael's embrace. He was constantly trying to drag them into dubious plans and he wanted them to skip classes. He told them about buying a new camera and when they understood that he wasn't joking, they took his credit card before he had the time to use it on some website. Eventually, they had to give it back but he already had another idea in mind, so it was fine anyway.

Sonja came over one afternoon and he dragged her to the nearest library, looking for Isaac Newton’s book, _Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy_. He had done research on the Internet and found the name of the work by reading the Wikipedia page of the Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation. He kept talking about his meeting with Isak, about the attraction and the parallel universes. When he looked at her girlfriend, she stayed silent, but she seemed hurt. He didn't stop anyway. He wanted to, but the words tumbled out of his mouth before his mind even had a chance to stop them.

She let him buy the book and left with tears in her eyes.

He hadn’t been to school for a week when his parents told him they wanted to take him to a doctor. Upon hearing this, he innocuously said he was going to take a shower, then ran away through the bathroom window. He left his phone and his wallet behind him, and disappeared for a whole night.

When the police found him, he was sleeping in the middle of a park. He was freezing, crying, and wouldn’t give his name. All he said to them was, “I think I’ve lost my mind.”

Since his parents had called every police station, they figured he was Even Bech Næsheim, the runaway teen.

Everything after that was a complete blur.

*

Bipolar. They said he was bipolar.

He slept for a whole week, barely leaving his bed. When he did, it was for no more than five minutes, and even then, it still felt like he was sleeping.

*

Depression was a little bit familiar.

A year ago, he had been diagnosed with depression. He had stayed in bed for three or four days because he couldn’t find the strength to do anything else but sleep. He hadn’t cried. He had just felt like he no longer had any reason to get up. So he didn’t.

It wasn’t very serious at the time. He had pills that he refused to take and it didn’t happen often, so he tried to not think about it. Sonja knew, but he never told the boys. He thought it would just go away eventually. He hadn’t felt depressed for three months when everything went wrong.

Mania.

Depression was familiar even though he’d never  felt this empty before.

But mania, that was new. It made him lose his mind. It made him reckless and unstable.

He spent another week in bed, eating once a day because he couldn’t deal with his mom’s tears and his dad’s shaking voice if he didn’t.

*

The third week, he sat in his bed, ate a little bit more, and asked for his phone, but his parents wouldn’t let him use it. They didn’t say why. Instead, they called Sonja and she held him tight in her arms for the longest time. He felt even worse than before, if it was even possible. Something was wrong.

- “Don’t think about it, Even. Just focus on getting better. You don’t need the phone,” Sonja said.

He freaked out, thinking of all the things he could have done while manic. He didn't remember everything.

When he started hyperventilating, she told him.

Apparently, everybody at Bakka knew that he just had an episode because he posted random and senseless things on social media. Of course, people didn't call it exactly "an episode," they said that he "lost his fucking mind," but the idea was there. Most of the students weren't mean. They were just curious and bored, maybe a little bit insensitive, but he became their new favourite subject of discussion regardless.

He asked Sonja to delete all of his social media accounts and went back to bed, feeling like he had in the very first week.

*

The fear of losing his best friends made him realize how important they were in his life.

He met Mikael when they were six in a classroom. Mikael had let him draw some doodle on his hand and in return, Even had let him draw on his arm. They smiled at each other and they’d been friends ever since. It had been as simple as a drawing.

When they were ten, they met Elias and Yousef at the basketball court. They were all living in the same neighbourhood and so they spent an entire summer playing and exploring together. Elias was incredibly chatty while Yousef was an impressive listener. One day, Even borrowed his parents' camera and they started to film everything they did. That's how he realized he might like to make his own film, and not just stick to watching movies with Mikael in his bedroom.

A few months later, they met Mutasim at school. He was sitting alone in the cafeteria at the table that the boys usually occupied so they joined him, intrigued. He offered them some of his mum's cookies; his first gesture of kindness and definitely not the last. Since then, he was one of them.

Adam was the last addition to the group. His mother was a long-time friend of Mikael's mum and when he moved to Oslo, Mikael introduced him to the boys. He was funny and daring, so it wasn't a surprise that he fit in in no time.

They had grown up together. They had been part of Even's life for so many years that he couldn't imagine life without them. He couldn't stop thinking about the messages he had posted everywhere on social networks; they must have seen it. What did they think of him now? He was so ashamed.

They didn't ask to deal with having a crazy friend.

He didn't touch his phone. He was too scared to find out that the boys didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

And if he was honest, he couldn't blame them.

*

One night, he got up, took a piece of paper and a pen.

 

_I played the psychic_

_Trying to read your mind_

_But I can’t seem to reach you_

_I guess that’s what they mean_

_When they say_

_You can’t save someone_

_Who doesn’t want to be saved_

_Lying on the bedroom floor_

_In the darkness_

_No one can see you_

_And if in the middle of the night_

_You wished you were dead_

_Well, no one needed to know_

_I promise I won’t tell_

_You kept smoking cigarettes_

_Just to forget the bitterness_

_Burning your lungs_

_Scratching your throat_

_I knew you were trying hard_

_To feel a little bit tougher on the inside_

_But you can’t fight the rising emptiness_

_Crushing your feelings_

_Until there is nothing left_

_Except this hopeless feeling_

_Inside your heart_

_You’re getting scared of your own mind_

_Losing yourself in all your thoughts_

_You can’t believe_

_You don’t know what’s real sometimes_

_You and me are the same_

_Truth to be told, you’re me_

_You’re my messed up brain_

_You’re all my innocence and joy_

_Being crushed by the monster_

_In the corner of my room_

_I’m just talking to myself_

_Talking to my mind_

_You’re my only friend_

_You’re my worst enemy_

_Can’t believe I don’t know what’s real anymore_

_(But listen)_

_(Maybe I do want to be saved)_

He put it in one of his drawer and went back to sleep.

*

He couldn’t look his parents in the eyes. He felt guilty for being the way he was, for having run away that night when he was manic, for having scared them so much in the process, and for not being able to get out of his bedroom. He was such a disappointment. He wondered what it felt like to have such a broken child.

- “Don’t say things like that,” he heard his mother say. Even hadn’t even realized he was saying it out loud. “You’re not broken.”

- “We love you just the same,” his father added.

- “I wish you would start to love yourself again. You don't have to be ashamed of who you are. We love you. Sonja loves you. Everybody loves you.”

He wished he could too.

*

Another night, Even stared at the wall for hours.

In the silence of his bedroom, he whispered, “I’m bipolar,” just to hear what it would sound like rolling off his tongue.

He hated it. He started crying for the first time since the police found him freezing in the park.

*

He found Isaac Newton's book he had borrowed when he was a manic in the corner of his desk. He thought about Isak, that boy with the angel face who hadn't left his mind for a second during his episode. He took the book, leafed through it, didn't understand a single word, but held it against his heart until he fell asleep again.

The next day, Even slipped it into the same drawer as the paper where he had written his dark thoughts and decided that he needed to forget about it. Forget about him.

*

It must have been more than a month since he had crashed when he finally felt the weight on his heart lessening a little. He asked his parents for his phone, but they simply called Sonja again. The past few weeks, she had come to see him several times, though he always hid under his blankets, avoiding any contact or discussion. When she arrived at his place, he took her in his arms and they both cried. He was so happy to have her. He felt a little bit less ashamed and broken as she kissed him just the way she used to.

- “I’m so glad to have you back,” Sonja said.

He didn’t feel like he was back but he nodded anyway. He was sick of seeing the people he cared about and loved being sad for him.

*

It was warm and sunny the day he finally decided to turn his phone on. At his request, Sonja had uninstalled all his social networking applications but she had left all his messages intact. Each of his friends had send him more than dozens of messages in the last few weeks.

He almost cried when he understood they weren't mad at him. On the contrary, they seemed worried, and they had relentlessly him texts even though he had never opened them.

 

I’m sorry for everything

Mutasim: DUDE

Elias: Wtf Even what are you sorry for???

Yousef: Heyy man, are you ok??

Adam: I was starting to think you had replaced us

Mikael: Adam shut up!!!

Adam: Just kidding. How are you doing?

Mikael: EVEN we miss you, you’re ok? <3

Mutasim: I may be crying rn

I’m sorry for everything

Fuck I don’t even remember all the stupid shit I’ve done

I've never meant to drag you down with me

Adam: What are you talking about?

Elias: The fuck. Drag us down in what

Mikael: Are you fucking serious Even!! That’s what you’ve been thinking?

That you had embarrassed us or something?

Mutasim: What

Yousef: We don’t care Even, we just want you to be ok!!

Mikael: We don’t care because there is nothing to care about!

It’s ok. Everything’s ok <3

Mutasim: Yeah, it’s all chill bro

What do you know exactly?

About me and what happened

Elias: Sonja told us you were depressed

Yousef: You’re feeling better?

I don’t know

I don’t think I’ll ever be

I’m bipolar

Mutasim: What’s that

Adam: Mikael must know. Mikael knows everything

Mikael: Adam, seriously, shut up

It’s going to be ok Even. Can we come over?

Yousef: Yeah, we can come and play Fifa

Elias: I can ask my mum to cook you something

Mutasim: I can give you my warmest hug!!!

Adam: Mine are better

Mutasim: NO

Thank you guys

But I’m really tired

I’m sorry

Yousef: It’s chill don’t worry

Mikael: Don’t apologize, we understand, I promise!

Can I talk to you later?

Adam: Of course

Mikael: Call if you need anything

I’m serious. Anything.

<3<3

Mutasim: <3

Adam: <3

Yousef: <3

Mikael: ELIAS

Elias: What

Yousef: Don’t play dumb

Elias: Ugh

<3

*

The next day, Elias and Sana dropped by his place to give him one of their mother’s best dishes. He didn’t see them, but the gesture actually made him feel ok enough to take a shower. He was afraid of not enjoying the meal, since all he had eaten for weeks had felt tasteless and bland under the weight of his sorrow, so he decided to wait a couple of days.

 

Thank you

Really

Elias: You’re welcome bro

Sana: <3

*

It was the middle of May and Even realized he would never go back to school. He had missed so much, he would never be able to catch up and pass his finals. He wasn't going to be graduate with Sonja and his best friends next month. He had fucked up everything.

Once again, he didn't leave his bed for a week, all his improvements reduced to nothing.

*

His parents took him to a psychiatrist who prescribed him medication. He had always refused to take the meds a previous doctor gave him for depression and he had no desire to take these either. His parents also wanted him to talk to a psychologist. He could endure one hour a week with a stranger who claimed to know what he was feeling, but he couldn't accept being drugged. He was never going to heal. It was for life. So what's the point?

He had read about the fog and the void that accompanied medication. He couldn't bear it. He was just beginning to appreciate again the warmth of the sun on his skin, his mother's smile, his father's laughter, and Sonja's kisses. He couldn't lose all this again.

*

One afternoon, he called Mikael and waited for him in his garden wrapped in a blanket even though it was sunny and hot for the season. They hadn't seen each other in two months and Mikael hugged him for the longest time. His best friend released him eventually, but he kept his right side leaned against him. It was surprisingly comforting.

- “I’m so happy to see you,” Mikael said, his face looking filled with emotion.

- “I’m sorry,” Even replied, a new habit.

- “Even, what did I say about apologizing? It’s not your fault. And you didn’t do anything wrong. You have no reason to be sorry.”

Even’s mother brought them tea that they drank in silence for a few minutes.

- “I hate that I can’t control it. It’s like… It’s not my life anymore. It’s not my thoughts and it’s not my feelings.”

- “Of course it is! It’s still yours. Sometimes, it’s just that you feel things a little bit deeper…”

Even raised an eyebrow.

- “A little bit deeper?”

- “Ok, maybe a lot deeper. But it suits you. You’ve always been a drama queen anyway.”

It was supposed to be a joke, he knew that, but he couldn’t laugh. Mikael made a hurt face.

- “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

- “It’s fine, I promise. I just… I can’t stop feeling the way I feel.”

- “I know. I just wish you would stop hating yourself so much. You don’t deserve that from anyone, least of all yourself.”

He thought about what his mother said a few weeks ago. _I wish you would start to love yourself again._ He figured he needed to accept himself in order to move on and be happy again. But he didn’t know how.

So he made an unexpected decision.

*

He started to take his meds and he felt nothing for days, even weeks. He was tired, but couldn't sleep. He had no appetite, but he constantly felt like throwing up. His psychiatrist was trying to find the right dosage and Even felt like it was only getting worse with the time. He felt like he was in a daze and talking to his psychologist didn't help at all. After the third session, he asked to change.

*

His new psychologist was a man in his late forties with a kind and discreet smile. Even called him Sean Maguire the first day and he understood the reference. Even liked him right away. They talked about Will Hunting, about movies and when he left, he felt a little bit more like himself.

Eventually, the side effects of taking medication decreased.

*

It was the summer. Sonja and the boys had graduated, but they never talked about it in front of Even. Instead, they asked him if he wanted to leave Oslo for a few days. He gradually regained a normal rhythm of sleep and he was able to take part in conversations. He laughed sometimes. It was better.

So he told them he wanted to see the mountains and the ocean.

They went together to Oslofjord.

It was strange to be with both the boys and Sonja. She had asked two of her friends to come with her, but still, he would never have imagined such a thing to become possible. The boys and Sonja kept a certain distance but for Even, they pretended to get along.

He still felt melancholy but not depressed.

*

Sonja caught him with a joint one day and they fought for the first time since his manic episode.

After this, she was always behind him. He found her rummaging through his jacket pockets in search of weed. He couldn't go out to get a beer with his cousin who was passing in town without her reminding him he couldn't drink alcohol. She was always asking if he was following his schedule, and if he was taking his meds (she had her own alarm on her phone to remind him). She was far worse even than his parents. He felt unbearably stifled and found himself tired of getting mad at her. She never listened to him anyway.

When Even stopped responding to her calls one weekend out of pure frustration, she contacted his parents and told them that he was probably having another episode. He had to ask his psychologist to intervene to calm them down because they no longer knew who to believe.

For the first time, he dared to wonder if they were still good together.

*

At the beginning of August, Even pulled out Newton's book from his drawer and put it away with the others on his shelf. On a whim, he searched Isak's Instagram on his computer and was disappointed to see that he had not posted anything since March. He wondered if he was still with that Sara girl. He had no right, but he couldn't help it. Five months had passed and he still felt that spark in his belly when he thought about him. He would just like to see him again, maybe talk to him, and then resume his life before he had the chance to hurt him.

*

His parents talked to him about his return to school and he realized that he would be completely alone the following year at Bakka. He would be alone, and yet everybody would know him, would whisper about him. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be the bipolar kid who had dropped out of school six months ago because he had lost his mind.

- “I can’t go back there,” Even said.

He saw his parents tensing.

- “Even…” His father started.

- “I need to change schools. Please, I can go to another school. I’ll make it work. But not Bakka.”

They were so relieved that he wasn't going to give up everything that they said yes right away.

*

When he picked his new school, he knew he shouldn't have, but for a second he allowed himself to think that perhaps he had the right to have good things in life. He wanted a fresh start. He also wanted to ensure something good.

So he didn't hesitate and filled the paperwork.

*

It was a beautiful day and they were lying in the grass, Sonja’s head on his stomach. Yet, he couldn’t really appreciate the moment when he knew that he was hiding so much from her. It wasn’t fair. She deserved better.

-          “I’m not going back to Bakka,” Even said. She sat up straight.

-          “What? What are you talking about, Even? Of course you’re going back. You have to graduate.”

-          “I can’t go back to Bakka where all I am to them is the crazy kid. I can’t stand it.”

-          “Did you talk to your parents about it?”

-          “Yes. They agreed.”

-          “I don’t believe you. You have to graduate,” she repeated, stubborn, like always.

-          “I know. I’m going to Nissen,” he explained, holding his breath.

She stared at him a long time, face blank. In her eyes, he saw she knew. She was observant, she always has been.

-          “I can’t fucking believe you, Even! After all this time, after everything that happened... You don’t even know him! Why are you doing this to me? I thought he was part of your episode, I thought…” She stopped, eyes filling with tears.

-          “I’m sorry,” he replied, and meant it.

-          “Fuck you.”

She left, and they broke up officially over the phone because she didn’t want to see him two days later. He broke her heart and he hated himself.

He hated himself even more for feeling relieved.

*

After two weeks, he started school at Nissen.

When he saw a beautiful, curly haired boy in the crowd, he knew he had made the right decision.

 

For the first time in six months, he felt like waking up.

 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kudos and your comments!
> 
> I know depression, or like, I have my own experience of it (but everyone is different, of course!), so I can write about it. Mania, on the other hand, was harder...  
> But I hope you liked this chapter too! Give me some feedback <3
> 
> I'm going to write 5 chapters instead of 4. The third one is already more than 6.000 words and I'm not done yet so I'll cut it. You can expect it next week, maybe Wednesday?
> 
> Come talk to me on my [Tumblr](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/), about Skam, this fic or anything, really. Maybe send me prompts!


	3. The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return

__

 

_There was a boy_

_A very strange enchanted boy_

_They say he wandered very far, very far_

_Over land and sea_

_A little shy and sad of eye_

_But very wise was he_

_And then one day_

_A lucky day he passed my way_

_Then we spoke of many things:_

_Fools and kings_

_Then he said to me_

_"The greatest thing you'll ever learn_

_Is to love and be loved in return"_

_[[Aurora - Nature boy](https://open.spotify.com/track/6SWVcJaG3tWN2Oc3AIo2Vy)]_

 

*

Isak has changed. He’s older, taller, and hotter. He no longer had his childish face, but retained his blonde curls, despite them being partly hidden under a red cap. He didn’t know he would like Isak with a cap but, wow, he did. Isak was talking to his friends; a boy with brown curly hair and thick eyebrows, a tall blonde whose voice carried distinctly in the courtyard, and a smaller one with a broad smile. Isak laughed and Even felt his heart squeeze in his chest. One of Isak's friends said something to him and he frowned. Even couldn't turn his eyes away from him.

He met Isak at the beginning of his episode. For a long time, when he was depressed and afterwards, when he tried to reconstruct something with Sonja, he convinced himself that his feelings were not valid, that this connection with Isak had only been the result of his illness. Now he realized that he had been wrong.

Those feelings were definitely his own..

He looked at Isak and still felt butterflies in his stomach. He still wanted to meet him, make him smile and laugh, or simply talk to him. Maybe hold him in his arms, if Even was lucky enough.

But he didn’t speak to him. Neither the first day, nor the following days. He couldn’t. Every time he caught sight of him in the distance, he accelerated his pace to catch up with him, and then, a few seconds later, changed his mind and turned right back around.

Isak had his own life. It was probable that he didn’t even remember Even anymore; after all, they had met at a party six months ago. At that time, they both had girlfriends. Even hadn’t seen him with any girl, but that didn’t mean anything. Even though he was certain of his attraction to him, he was sure of nothing when it came to what Isak had felt for him that night. And again, that was six months ago.

Things changed.

Even was no longer the same as he was six months ago. Now he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and he was ashamed of it. It was something he was trying to deal with everyday and in therapy, but for the time being he couldn’t imagine himself saying it out loud, let alone saying it to Isak.

So, he couldn’t talk to him. _Yet_.

*

He didn't know how he managed to see Isak almost every day without him noticing. Even may have avoided him and may have deliberately kept his distance but he never thought he could stay incognito for so long. At one point, he started to believe he wasn't supposed to meet him again.

*

With everything that had happened in his life over the past six months, he hadn't had time to think about what his friends would think of him being interested in a boy after having known him with a girl for four years. Now that his mind was too often monopolized by the curly-haired boy, he could no longer avoid telling them. Or, to be more exact, he no longer wanted to.

He was surprised to find that he wanted to talk to his friends about what he was feeling. After months of feeling nothing, then sinking into guilt and despair, it was incredibly relieving to get up in the morning with a smile, and excitement at the thought of going to school and seeing him. Even without Isak, he felt good at Nissen. He was especially happy to take control of his life and to find his place in a classroom again, even if he had to tolerate one more year before he finally graduated. He would never have thought he would be so glad to be back at studying. And yet, here he was.

Isak was the icing on the cake, though.

And he wanted to say it aloud. More than a month after the beginning of school, he ended up spending a Saturday afternoon with Mikael playing at Fifa (or rather losing; he was always losing against his best friend).

- “Mikael,” Even said. “Can I talk to you about something?”

- “Are you trying to distract me? Because you know it doesn’t work,” Mikael replied and scored one more time.

- “You’re winning anyway.”

- “Yeah, of course I am.”

- “Mik. It’s important.”

This time, he caught his best friend’s attention. And he realized he was actually very nervous. Mikael was the kindest and most caring person he knew. He avoided conflicts at all costs, and Even had never heard him express any prejudice against anyone. In theory, confessing to him that he had a crush on a boy wasn’t very risky. But in reality, he wasn't afraid of an extreme reaction; what he feared was the long term effects of his confession. He couldn't stand that, the idea that his best friend would start behaving differently with him because he wouldn't see him in the same way.

He wanted things to stay as they were. He needed some things to never change.

- “Alright,” Mikael said while pausing the game.

He turned to him and Even swallowed hard. That was the moment. No turning back now. He had to believe in his best friend.

- “So, you know I go to Nissen now,” he started. Mikael raised an eyebrow.

- “Yes, I know you go to Nissen, Even. I actually listen to you when you speak.”

- “Right. So. Shit. I don’t even know how to say it.”

- “Just say it man, it’s me, what’s up?”

- “I… I met someone at a party six months ago. That someone is a student at Nissen and… He is in part the reason why I choose this school over the others. And, I kind of like him. _No_ , I know it. I like him,” Even confessed and wow, he felt good.

For a second. And then, he was back to worry.

Mikael wasn’t saying anything. He was just staring at him as if he was an extraterrestrial or something. He blinked. Shit, that wasn’t promising at all.

- “Mikael? Say something, please,” he begged.

- “Are you fucking serious?”

 _Fuck_. That wasn’t good at all.

- “Listen, I…”

- “I can’t believe you. I had faith in you, man. I just lost my bet, thank you very much,” he said and then sighed.

- “What?”

- “No offense, bro, but everybody and their dog know that you have a crush on this Isak boy.”

- “What?” He repeated, because, seriously, what?

- “You don’t remember?” Mikael asked.

His face seemed to suffice as a reply to his question because he shook his head and his expression changed. He didn’t look annoyed and vaguely mocking; rather, he had a regretful look in his eyes.

- “Yeah, so, uh… Listen, when you were manic you…”

- “Fuck, no, don’t tell me I went to see him and don’t even remember it!” Even exclaimed, losing his chill.

- “No, calm down, of course not! You were just talking about him a lot. Like really a lot. Most of the time I think you didn’t even realize you were speaking out loud but, yeah… It’s been a while since we’ve known about your stupid crush.” He smiled and Even started to breathe again.

 _And you don’t care?_ He almost asked but thankfully, he held back. Of course his friends didn’t care. How could he have doubted them, even for a second?

- “That’s embarrassing,” he said, because he didn’t know what else to say.

- “No, what’s embarrassing is you telling me you changed schools to be _with_ _him_ ”.

- “I didn’t…”

- “You chose his school. Whatever. Same difference,” Mikael cut him off.

- “Alright, Veronica Sawyer, how about you tell me what the bet was about?”

- “Oh yeah, well, when you told us you were going to Nissen, we bet on if you were ever going to admit why you decided to go there”.

- “And you lost.”

- “I lost, yes, thanks for reminding me dickhead.”

- “What did you bet?”

- “That you would never tell us, I had fucking faith in you, bro. What a disappointment, I swear, I can’t deal with you anymore. Why do you have to be so sappy all the time?”

Even bursted out laughing. He was so relieved. Some things would never change and it felt _so_ _right_.

He felt like the luckiest guy on earth.

*

Mikael hadn’t left for more than 30 minutes when he felt his phone buzz multiple times.

 

Yousef: EVEN NO WHY

Elias: Told you you were going to lose

The guy’s favourite director is Baz Luhrmann, please

Adam: Loseeeeeers

MIKAEL WTF

You told them

And Elias btw I’m actually flattered you remember his name

Mikael: What? They all know anyway

You could have not said anything and you wouldn’t have lost the bet

Mikael: fuck I’m so stupid

But you would have told them tomorrow anyway

True

Mutasim: Man you talk about this Baz guy all the time

I have nightmares with him now

Elias: Don’t be flattered, it just makes you so predictable

Adam: You talk about this movie dude as much as you talk about Isak

Creepy

Mutasim: AHAHAH

Mikael: good one!

Yousef: NO you were supposed to be capable of keeping a secret!!!

 I’m not predictable

What secret? I didn’t realize it was a secret

Elias: It wasn’t

Adam: “Guysss let’s skip and go to Nissen see Isak”

Yousef: “What about his curls and his eyes and blablabla”

I didn’t say that

Yousef wtf I thought you had my back?

Mikael: You did

Yousef: I lost because of you

I’m done with you

Fuck

Mutta what did you bet?

Mutasim: Sorry bro

I knew you would say it eventually

Thanks

Adam: Don’t be sad, Mikael and Yousef owe us kebabs!!

Elias: Yeah, let’s meet up tomorrow

Mikael: I unfriend you Even

Yousef: Same

Adam: Sore losers

Mutasim: Don’t worry I still love you bro

<3

Mutasim: <3

Adam: <3

Elias: We are not doing this again

Mikael: We are. We need to support Even and his not-so-secret crush

<3

Yousef: <3

Elias? Support?

Elias: Fy faen

<3

*

It was the beginning of October and Even still hadn’t had the guts to talk to Isak. Except, one day, he didn't have to choose. It just happened.

He came out math, which had exhausted him (apparently, it didn't matter if he had already studied the subject last year, he wasn't made for this bullshit and would never be) and he dropped into a seat in the common space for students. He put his feet on the table in front of him, took out his green sketchbook from his backpack and tried to release his pent up emotions with a great deal of scribbling.

- “Hi! I’m Vilde and this is Sana!” exclaimed a high pitched voice. _The fuck_.

- “Hi?” Even replied.

He looked up at a pretty blonde with a huge smile. Next to her wasSana, who gave him a little mocking grin.

- “We are the group leaders of Kosegruppa,” said Vilde.

_What. The. Hell._

Sana gave him a look that screamed, _It would be in your best interest to give all your attention to my friend._ Great. Let's do this. No one ever wanted to deal with a pissed Sana.

- “Hm, what’s that?”

- “It’s a theatre group. We make sure there’s a good atmosphere. We spread love, bake bread, we cook,” she explained with fervor. And just… Kept talking.

_Alright. Don’t laugh. Let's not upset this girl and let's not get Sana angry._

And… _Holy fuck_.

Just behind Vilde, sitting at a table a few yards from them was Isak. Who was looking at Even. Their eyes met for a second before he lowered his head.

Ok, _relax_.

- “Do you perhaps want to join this year? We have a group meeting next Friday.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sana staring at him with insistence. He turned his attention back to Vilde, his heart pounding. Isak had seen him. He had noticed him. He knew Even was there, at Nissen.

- “Seems… cozy. You said next Friday? I’ll... see what I can do.”

Vilde seemed satisfied and said something else but he wasn’t looking nor listening to her anymore. Isak was still sitting at the table with his three usual friends. He looked nervous, he could see it. He was playing with his food and wasn't paying much attention to the conversion around him. He looked up and their eyes met again. Even’s heart missed a beat. There was no doubt that he had recognized him; now, Isak was upset.

He hastily picked up his things, took his bag and left the table without giving any explanation to his friends. The older boy didn't think twice and followed him.

To the toilet. How romantic. Shakespeare didn't know shit anyway.

Isak was leaning over the sink, spraying his face with water.

- “Isak? I’m Even. I don’t know if you remember me, we met at a Bakka party last year,” Even said without losing a second. He hoped his voice wasn’t shaking too much.

But his angelic crush didn’t reply. He put his hands on the edge of the sink, looking down and saying nothing. _Shit_.

- “I gave you beer, weed, and good music recommendations?”

Silence. He still wasn’t looking at him and his face was blank.

- “We talked about Isaac Newton, universal attraction, and parallel universes?” he tried again.

Isak couldn’t have forgotten about him. He wasn't that drunk at the party, and he must not talk about physics to all the guys he meets.

- “Universal gravitation,” Isak corrected, just like he had six months ago.

Even smiled. A bright and euphoric smile.

- “Yes. You know in French, you can say ‘universal attraction’, I mean – l’attraction universelle. I googled it,” he said because he didn’t know what else to say.

He would swear Isak had just blushed (thanks to his terrible but hot French accent, probably) but it was gone as fast as it had appeared.

- “The fuck, Even. What are you doing at Nissen? You’re not supposed to be here,” he then snapped.

_Why won’t he look at me?_

Even took a sheet of tissue. And another. And another again. In fact, he didn't stop until he had emptied the machine (which fortunately was already almost empty).

_Oh my God what am I doing…_

It made Isak look at him. He stared in disbelief, his mouth slightly open, although no words came out.

Even raised an eyebrow and offered him his best smug face. He was panicking inwardly but he still managed to stay composed and just smile at the younger boy.

- “Do you also need tissues?”

He gave him a piece of tissue with a pleased expression. Isak took it and kept staring. Until…

- “What are you doing here, seriously Even? What the fuck is going on?” He almost sounds like he was freaking out.

- “I transferred.”

- “But…”

- “You’re not happy to see me, Isak?” He teased before he had the time to ask him _why_ he had to repeat his last year and transferred here.

- “Stop it.”

- “What?”

- “What you’re doing.”

- “I’m not doing anything.”

This time, he looked very annoyed and took a step backward.

- “I'm not the ridiculous first year you can mess with anymore, ok? So drop it,” he said, exasperated.

- “That’s what you think? That I’m messing with you?” Even asked, a little hurt.

He never thought Isak would believe he was playing him. But thinking back at the party, with him flirting and then kissing his girlfriend in front of Isak, he realized it wasn't looking good at all.

- “I’m sorry,” he said before the younger boy could answer. “I never meant to make you feel like I was messing with you. I wasn't, I swear. I’m still not.”

Isak sighed, relaxing a little.

- “What do you want?”

_Fuck, I don't know? To talk you, to hold your hand, holding you tight in my arms, kissing you…_

- “I… I just thought I could get to know you better,” he admitted, his self-satisfied face long gone.

Isak seemed to consider his offer and then,

- “Yeah, ok, alright. I guess we can do that.”

If he wasn’t so afraid of losing the little credibility that remained, Even would have performed a dance of joy in the middle of the restroom.

- “Yeah? Ok, great. Awesome!”

- “I have to go,” Isak announced. “See you around I guess?”

- “Yeah, I’m staying here.”

He raised an eyebrow.

- “I mean, not in here. At Nissen. I’ll see you here, at Nissen.”

_Oh my God, stop talking._

And then a miracle happened; Isak laughed. A genuine and beautiful laugh. Even saw a little gap between his teeth and he loved it. He hadn’t noticed it before.

Because he had no game and was desperate and had already made a fool of himself, Even winked and left the bathroom before the boy did.

It went pretty well, if he did say so himself.

*

It didn’t.

Even spent the rest of the day thinking about the fucking paper towel dispenser. _Why_? Just why did he think it was a good idea?

Mikael was right. He was a lost cause. He couldn’t even believe himself.

*

Mikael: You fucking did WHAT???

Elias: Why are we even talking to you, seriously

You should be ashamed

Mutasim: I can’t stop laughing bro, I’m gonna cry

Yousef: I thought you had game? What happened?

Adam: How did you manage to get Sonja?

She was so hot, I don’t get it

Does one of you have anything comforting to tell me?

I already hate myself, that’s enough

Elias: You deserve it

Yousef: Could be worse I guess?

Adam: Dude

He emptied a paper dispenser

Can’t be worse

Thank you Adam

Adam: Just being honest

Mutasim: Nah, could be worse

Yousef: I agree

Elias: I guess you could have thrown grass at him or something

Yousef: Who does that?

Adam: Who knows? Even took all the fucking tissues soooo

Fuck off

I’m such an idiot

Mikael: As long as you didn’t wink at him you’re fine

What’s wrong with winking?

Mikael: Bro, no offense but, you can’t wink

You think you can but you can’t

You just like, close both your eyes and look creepy as fuck

FUCK

What didn’t you tell me before???!!!!!!!

Mutasim: HAHAHA

Elias: I’m so done with you

Adam: Did you fucking wink

Mikael: EVEN

Yousef: At least you tried

Tried what

To wink???!!!

Mikael: Yeah tried what?

Yousef: To seduce the boy

Adam: omg I’m crying

Mutasim: You just ended him hahaha

Elias: What happened to nice Yousef

Don’t get me wrong, I love it

AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIENDS

Yousef: Sorry, I’m still bitter about the bet

Adam: You lost the bet and Even didn’t even get the boy

Mutasim: WOW

I hate all of you!!!

Mikael: Relax it’s going to be fine

You can fix it

Yousef: Yeah, we’ll help

Elias: I’ll help if you pay me a kebab

I’ve got game

Adam: No you don’t

Elias: fuck you I do

Can you help me before fighting pleaseeee

Elias: yeah ok let’s meet up tomorrow and talk strategy

Mutasim: you’re so nice what happened to you

Elias: I take pity on him

I can take pity I don’t care

Mikael: alright, just don’t wink again or throw grass at him, ok?

Think you can do that?

Even???

*

That’s how he ended up in the tram Wednesday night, sitting next to Sana who was going home.

- “So, I have a proposition,” Sana said in a serious voice, without looking at him.

- “Alright?”

- “I can help you get in touch with Isak”.

_...What._

- “Hm… Who?”

- “Don’t play dumb with me, Even. You asked about him a few months ago. Plus, Elias talked about him yesterday.”

Fuck. Of course. The traitor.

- “What did he say?”

- “In short? You’re useless and something about tissues. I don’t want to know the details though. But I can help you,” she said with a tiny smile. Not good.

- “How? And what do you want in return?”

- “You know kosegruppa?”

He let out a pained noise, to which she followed with a glare.

- “Do you want help or not?”

- “Yes, yes, sorry.”

- “I can make Isak go to kosegruppa. _No_ , I know he’s going to come. And you’re coming, too. Vilde will be happy and you can talk to him and stuff. Do whatever you want to do. But you have to come.”

- “He’s going to come? I don’t think that’s really his scene.”

- “I have my ways, don’t worry about it. Just come. Is it a deal?”

Even was desperate. He wasn't sure going to kosegruppa would actually make him cooler in the eyes of Isak but if he was going, then, it was his chance to spend time with him.

- “Ok, it’s a deal.”

She smiled, satisfied.

He actually felt lucky to have the Kosegruppa plan because, unsurprisingly, the boys ended up being useless.

*

He couldn't believe he was still in high school on a Friday night attending a kosegruppa meeting. He didn't tell the boys, obviously, since he knew he would never see the end of it if they found out he was so desperate that he went to a theatre group to get closer to his Isak. But apparently that was what he was these days; desperate.

When he arrived in the meeting room, he was immediately greeted by a very smiling Vilde with a basket of bread in her hands. Sana gave him a smirk and he could see she was very proud to have succeeded in getting him to come (as if from the moment she had mentioned Isak’s name he had forgotten all doubt). Next to them, stood a third girl with reddish-brown hair and a beanie.

- “So nice that you wanted to come,” said Vilde, and she seemed to indeed be very glad to see him here. “Yeah, just find a seat, then we can start,” she continued while Even scanned the room for blonde curls.

When he turned his head to the left, he met Isak’s eyes. He almost shouted in victory, even if the younger boy quickly looked away. As soon as Vilde finished speaking, he walked in his direction and sat down on a step just behind him. Since Isak was still avoiding eye contact, staring at his phone, Even didn't dare take a seat next to him. He didn't know how to approach him, truth to be told. In the restrooms, Isak had seemed pretty confident in the end but now, he was elusive – and maybe a bit shy?

- “Hello!” A girl with short hair, who came out of nowhere with her friends, greeted Isak. “Kosegruppa, yay!”

He muttered an awkward answer.

- “We looked at the group list during break. Where are the awesome people at this place? Kosegruppa, of course,” she said.

Wow, she was desperate. Not as much as Even was, but close enough. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all, even if Isak barely replied to her.

The next two minutes of Vilde talking were the worst minutes of his life. When she finally invited everyone to get up for a love exercise (seriously, what the fuck?), he knew it was his only chance. Taking desperate to the next level, he almost jumped on Isak and stood in front of him. He stared at Even with wide eyes. While putting a joint behind his ear, he said "come outside" and left the auditorium before Sana tried to murder him with one of her special glances. He’d make her forgive him with tea later.

He heard footsteps behind him and knew Isak had followed him, but he didn't stop until he was sitting on a bench outside, far away from the kosegruppa bullshit. He did not want good vibes, he wanted Isak.

He lit his joint, took a drag, and then offered it to Isak without waiting any longer. The younger boy smiled at him (finally), though still avoiding looking at him, accepted it and sat down beside Even on the bench. For a while, they just exchanged the joint in silence.

- “You know the group leader?” Even asked.

- “Vilde?” Isak replied with an amused face. “With the love game?”

- “What was that?” he laughed.

- “I had to bail. I can’t be bothered with that stuff. What do you think is happening?”

- “Hm… I think she got them to feel each other in a dark room. And if you walk into a dick, you have to suck it,” he suggested and stared shamelessly at him.

And that's how he took desperate to a whole new level.

Isak almost choked and then bursted out laughing.

- “Someone has watched way too much porn.”

Even’s laugh joined his.

- “You’re probably right. But you know, in times of misery, you do with what you have.”

The younger boy couldn’t stop laughing and Even adored the sound of it. He wished he would never stop.

- “What about Sonja?”

 _Shit_. So he even remembered her name?

- “Nah. No more Sonja.”

He couldn’t believe he had just used porn and jerking off to introduce the fact that he was no longer with his girlfriend. This information needed to stay far away from the guys.

- “Too bad,” said Isak but he clearly didn’t mean it. At least, Even hoped he didn’t. “How long had you been with her?”

- “Four years. I’m going to sound like a dick, but the fourth year was definitely one year too long.”

- “Yeah? You two seemed fine at the party.”

 _Well, I was drunk, high and hypomanic,_ he thinks but doesn’t say out loud.

- “I was drunk. Doesn’t count,” he concluded. “What about you? Sana told me once that you had a girlfriend. Sara or something.”

He looked at him with a raising eyebrow and a surprised face. _Fuck_.

- “You know Sana?”

- “Uh, yeah… Her brother is one of my best friends. We kind of… Grew up together, I guess?”

Now, Isak seemed upset.

- “Did you… I was dating Sara months ago. So you had known for months that Sana knew me.” It wasn’t a question.

- “Yeah,” he repeated. Where was he going with that? “Why are you upset?”

- “I’m not upset,” he snapped, then looked guilty. “Sorry. It’s just- I don’t know.”

- “Tell me,” Even said.

- “Do you remember the things you said that night?”

“Of course. I remember everything.”

_I think we have to meet each other, in every universe._

_Maybe we were meant to meet Isak, don’t you think?”_

_Isak, you’re the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen._

- “And I meant every word,” he added.

- “Then why didn’t you contact me? You knew Sana, it would have been easy for you…”

In this exact moment, he no longer any doubt; Isak liked him. More than that, he had taken each of his words seriously (rightly) at the party and had hoped to see Even again, despite the context and Sonja. The younger boy wasn't upset; he was hurt and disappointed. He had just learned that they could have met again, six months earlier, but Even hadn't taken the initiative.

Even contemplated taking his hand but changed his mind. He didn't know how far he could go with this confession.

- “I’m sorry. I wanted to. I had your Instagram and stuff. But then Sana mentioned your girlfriend and I had Sonja, so I just… I thought it was all in my head.”

_And I was manic…_

- “It wasn’t”.

- “I know that now.”

They stayed silent for a long time. He didn’t want Isak to be mad at him anymore, even though he probably deserved it. They could be something now, they could make it work, right?

- “Are we ok?” he dared to ask.

- “Yes, Even, we are ok,” he replied, rolling his eyes, and his voice was calm, almost… Tender?

Even also loved the way he said his name. He smiled like an idiot for five minutes.

- “How… So, how did you end up at a fucking kosegruppa meeting?”

Isak laughed. Everything felt right again.

- “Sana is blackmailing me. I had to come if I wanted to get my weed back. Well, not mine, my friend’s weed.”

- “What? And how come Sana has your weed?” They both laughed.

- “Long story. It involves a party, cops, and me being dumb,” he summed up. “What about you?”

For a second, he thought that God or Allah or Buddha, whatever, wanted to help him. He wasn't ready to admit that he was only there to meet him. So when someone interrupted them, he thought he was lucky.

The next second, when he recognized the girl who was almost as desperate as he was, he knew that no one had come to help him. It was just him and this annoying girl named Emma that, thankfully, Isak didn't seem to like at all, but still ended up sitting with them on the bench.

The only good thing after the interruption was that he had managed to leave with his Isak’s number.

And because he had no chill, he saved him in his phone as “Isak <3.”

*

He busied himself the whole weekend in order to keep himself from texting Isak. But eventually, Sunday night, he gave in.

So

Isak: So?

Did Sana give you your weed back?

Isak: Yes, she did

Hope you’re going to share

Isak: Told you, not mine

But I would have

Of course

Guess what

Isak: ?

I may still have some of mine

Isak: Ofc you do

Excuse you, what does that mean

Isak: Nothing :)

Right

I'll let this pass because you're cute

Come to mine Friday after school and you can have some

If you’re nice I’ll make you cheese toasts too

Isak: Wow

I'm feeling very special

You are

So, see you Friday?

Isak: Yeah

See you Friday

Good night Isak

Isak: Good night Even

*

He felt wonderful until Wednesday night when he realized that he had finished his drug vial the day before and that he had forgotten to go to the pharmacy. Fortunately, his mother had one because she was just the best mother in the world. But it made him realize that he had nothing under control. He couldn't even remember to go pick his meds up. He was going to screw up. He was going to screw up and hurt Isak.

That’s how he ended up in his dark room, his phone in his hands with Sonja’s name on the screen. She picked up almost at the moment when he was about to drop it.

- “Even?” She said, her voice betraying her surprise.

- “Hi Sonja. Am I bothering you?”

- “No, of course not. I’m… Are you alright?”

He hated her way of asking it. She didn't ask the same way as his classmates at Nissen or even the boys did. He could almost hear her say "how is your mental health doing?" He didn't regret their breakup at all, but if he had regretted it, it reminded him a very good reason not to.

However, he was the one calling, so he wasn't going to say anything on it. And she had the right to be surprised; they hadn't talked since their breakup phone call.

- “I’m fine. You?”

- “I’m fine,” Sonja replied. They stayed in silence, holding both their breaths. “It’s very good to hear from you, Even. How it’s going at Nissen?”

- “Uh, it’s great. I mean, it’s alright.”

Silence, again. He didn’t even know why he was calling her. She had been his best friend and confidant for so long that it felt natural, in the heat of the moment. But now, it was getting awkward.

- “How’s Isak?” She asked then and his heart skipped a beat.

As his answer was slow to come, she added.

- “You better be dating that boy, I swear Even, you can't have dumped me for nothing.”

She didn’t sound upset. It was a bit playful. It was _good_.

- “I didn’t dump you. We broke up.”

- “You were about to if I hadn’t taken the lead.”

- “I guess you’re right.”

\- “Of course I am.”

He smiled. He knew she was smiling, too.

- “I’m not,” he said then. “I’m not dating him.” She sighed.

- “What are you waiting for?”

_For me to stop being bipolar, maybe._

- “I don’t know,” he answered, instead.

- “Even, you know you deserve it, right? If you want him and he wants you back, you deserve to have this,” Sonja declared and now he knew why he had decided to call her in the first place.

- “I guess.”

- “You do.”

_I do._

- “Even?”

- “Yeah?”

- “I met someone.”

- “That’s great.”

- “Yeah.”

- “I’m very happy for you.” He meant it.

- “Thanks.”

- “Sonja?”

- “Yes?”

- “I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick to you.”

- “It’s ok. Focus on the future”.

And just like that, they both hung up.

It felt good to have a piece of his best friend back for his moment of doubt.

*

Later that night, he texted Isak.

Can’t wait for Friday

Hope you’re impatient

Because I am

Isak: I am too

:)

*

On Friday, Even couldn't stand still. Isak sent him a message asking if they could meet at the tram stop or directly at his place. He probably didn't want his friends to ask questions when they would see them together, and Even understood, especially for the moment when they didn't know exactly what they were. So they agreed to meet at the tramway stop.

As he finished an hour before Isak, he waited for him. He couldn't help but move and people must have took him for a junkie on crack. Didn't matter, it was so worth it. When he saw Isak arrive with his red cap on his head and a grey sweatshirt that made him look so soft, he felt like the luckiest of men on earth. His crush smiled shyly at him and he had to refrain himself from kissing him.

They took the tramway together, a ten minute journey.

- “I can’t believe you know Sana. She’s my biology partner now,” Isak said after Even made him talk about his favourites classes (physics and biology, of course).

- “Lucky you! She’s the smartest.”

- “Ugh, no, I’m the smartest, how dare you?” Even laughed.

- “Yeah, sorry, I forgot.”

- “You forgot? Even, that’s literally how we met. I talked to you about Newton’s law in the middle of a fucking party. This time, they both laughed.

- “Alright, you’re the smartest. But don't be smug. Think a little about those who aren’t as brilliant and beautiful as you are.”

Isak blushed and turned his head toward the window. They stayed silent but smiling like idiots until they left the tram and headed to Even's home.

When they arrived, they went to his room and dropped off their jackets. He started to look for a joint to share with Isak, as promised, while the latter examined his room – posters of films, artists, or music groups on the walls, two guitars (one acoustic and one electric), a skateboard and a snowboard, a shelf full of books and another one with DVDs, a large cardboard box containing paint pots and brushes, and on cupboard doors, drawings and magazine clippings.

- “Did you draw these?” Isak asked as he was looking at the doodles.

\- “Yeah.”

- “They’re good”.

- “Thanks.”

- “Really funny.”

- “You think so?” He nodded.

- “Your room is… So you. It’s like pieces of you everywhere. It’s nice.” he then said.

- “Yours isn’t?”

He glanced at Isak and saw that he looked a little sad.

- “Not really.”

He was about to take him in his arms when Isak shrugged and turned to him, smiling again.

- “Could we play some music?”

- “Of course,” he agreed and put NAS because he just _had_ to. Isak rolled his eyes but didn’t comment. “Alright, jump on the window sill.”

They opened the window and settled on the ledge, exchanging a joint, NAS playing in the background. It was almost familiar now, talking to Isak while smoking. With the rays of the sun on his face, his eyes were even greener and more hypnotizing than usual and his curls on the edge of his cap looked golden. His face lit up when he laughed. He was really beautiful. Even felt his heart pounded hard in his chest as he was watching him.

- “Are you hungry?” He asked later.

- “Are you going to make me cheese toasts?” Isak replied while a smile at the corner of his lips.

He took his hands and dragged him into the kitchen as an answer. They drank beers as they waited for the toast to be ready.

- “You really want all these spices?”

- “Yeah, a lot of cardamom is essential,” the younger boy assured.

It tasted disgusting, but they ate it anyway.

Isak's phone started ringing, but he silenced it without even checking it.

- “So you're a complete artist. You don’t just make movies.” He seemed really impressed, and Even felt happier (if it was even possible) knowing Isak saw him that way.

- “I don’t know. I’m just trying to keep my mind busy. Movies are what I really love though.”

- “Are you working on something these days?”

- “Nah, it’s been a while. I just make stupid videos with my friends. Elias – Sana’s brother – wants to put them on Youtube. It’s funny but it’s not what I really want to do.”

- “What do you really want to do then?”

Even took a few seconds to think. He had spent so much time feeling downhearted and then trying to get better, to get on with his life, that he hadn't thought about his passion for a long time. Too long, to be honest.

- “I want to show the world something real. I want to be able to affect people, reach to their deepest feelings. Nothing superficial, only the most complete honesty. It's so hard to be honest and to open up to people in real life you know, but in my movies, I only want to tell the truth.”

He didn't realize he was looking at an invisible point behind Isak before he said his name and Even looked back at him.

- “Even?”

- “Yes?”

- “For what it's worth, I think you're brilliant too.”

At that exact moment, he may have fallen a little bit in love.

*

Isak left a few minutes before Even’s parents came back from work.

- “I can accompany you to the tram. Come on, I'll come with you.”

- “It’s fine Even, I won’t get lost,” Isak replied, giggling. He was a bit tipsy.

Even felt bold.

So he brushed a blonde curl and leaned over to the younger boy, before kissing him on the cheek. Isak looked at him, silent and a little stunned. He blushed, as expected.

- “Text me when you’re home,” he requested.

- “Yeah, sure, yeah.”

Isak almost stumbled on his own feet as he left.

*

He checked his phone and saw that Mikael had sent him about ten messages, telling him not to mess up with Isak during his date. Great. He was glad to see that his best friend had so much faith in him.

 

He just left

Mikael: IT’S LATE

Means you got laid

I can’t wait to tell the others

DON’T

Wtf Mik I didn’t!!!

Mikael: You’re so lame

Did you kiss the hell out of him at least

Don’t disappoint me

…

Mikael: EVEN WTF

I’m about to erase you from my life

I kissed him on the cheek

It’s good right?

Mikael: What

Even, this is not a Jane Austen novel!!!

Relax

I’ve got this

No you don’t

Ugh

Did you have a nice time?

The best

Mikael: I’m happy for you

Even if you’re a loser

Thanks <3

Mikael: Whatever <3

*

When he saw Isak’s name on his phone, he grinned like a fool in the middle of his living room and ignored the disconcerted looks from his parents.

Isak: I’m home

Perfect. Thank you for tonight, I hope you liked it as much as I did <3

Isak: I did <3

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy guys! I really love writing this fic and I hope you enjoy reading it! Thank you for your kudos and your comments <3 Makes me so happy!
> 
> So, what do you think is going to happen next?
> 
> A hint: a lot of fluff but also angst, because I can't help it... Sorryyyy
> 
> I won't be able to write this week-end bc it's my birthday and my friends arrive tomorrow. But I already wrote most of the chapter 4 so it won't be long. 
> 
> Give me some feedback & come talk to me on my [Tumblr](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/).
> 
> See ya!


	4. You would never call me baby if you knew me truly

__

 

_You would never call me baby_

_If you knew me truly_

_Oh but I waited so long for your love_

_I am scared baby that I can't keep it up for long_

_Boy I wish I grew up the second_

_I first held you in my arms_

_Underneath this hood you kiss_

_I tick like a bomb_

_You would never call me baby_

_If you knew me truly_

_Oh but I waited so long for your love_

_I will fight baby not to do you wrong_

_[[Perfume Genius – Hood](https://open.spotify.com/track/4ONbE2UQU0hiizcxR4fToc)]_

 

*

Even hardly noticed the weekend pass because all he did was shamelessly exchange messages with Isak. He no longer cared if he looked desperate; he was. Though he scarcely left his room, his parents didn't even worry because as soon as they checked on him, they found him smiling and laughing stupidly at his phone.

His mother eventually snatched Isak's name from him after harassing him for ten minutes, guilting him for not talking to her like he used to. He eventually yielded, of course. In fact, Even found himself rather pleased to talk to her about his crush. Neither Mikael nor the other boys answered his messages anymore because he was "a hopeless romantic" who had, according to them, missed the opportunity to decide to share about Isak. Her mother didn't deny him that, obviously. She smiled and said he was cute. He replied that he wasn't but Isak definitely was. She laughed and let him return to his virtual discussion.

So all weekend his mind was occupied by the same name; Isak, Isak, Isak.

*

He was a bit disconcerted when he received a message from an unknown number.

 

?: Hi Even! It’s Vilde!! Sana gave me your number, hope this is ok. Did you hear about the theatre party next Friday? We need to have a group pre-drink but we didn’t find a place yet. Could you maybe host it? Or do you know someone who could?

 

Right, so maybe Sana was a little pissed at him for deserting the Kosegruppa meeting with Isak the last time.

 

Hi Vilde! Sorry but my parents are home Friday night. But I can ask around.

Keep in touch!

Vilde: Thank you Even! It’s very nice of you!

 

He had just locked his phone when he had the best (or worst) idea ever. He hadn't even considered going to the theater party, let alone the pre-drink but he knew how to make it very interesting for him. He just had to take a few risks.

 

You know what Vilde, I just got an idea!

Isak is living in a shared apartment, maybe he can host the party?

Vilde: That’s a great idea, Even, thank you!! I know his roommates, it won’t bother them!

I’ll check with Isak tomorrow.                                                                                      

I’m so glad you came to Nissen, you’re so nice! I owe you a drink Friday night :) :)

I'm glad to be here as well

Thanks, see ya Friday then!

*

It was Monday at lunch when Even received a text from Isak and he knew he was in trouble.

 

Isak: Did you tell Vilde I could host her pre-drink thing Friday night???!!!

Maybe…

Isak: Wtf Even

Why would you do that???!

She needed a place

She was stressed out

Isak: Ok, listen Even, I know you’re nice and all

But Vilde is ALWAYS stressed

Just don’t pay attention

Don’t you want to pre-drink with me?

Isak: Ugh

I do

But not with all the Kosegruppa nerds

That’s not very nice :)

They’re your friends

Isak: Whatever

Maybe tell yourself you're doing it for me. Would that help?

Please do it for me

Isak: FINE

For you

So sweet Isak!

Isak: Shut up

*

Even knew he’d had a wonderful idea when he saw Isak that Friday night in tight, blue jeans and a black tee-shirt, with pink makeup strips on his cheeks and no cap, only his golden curls. He was ready to go to him and kiss him right then and there in front of everybody, but then he noticed Emma sitting next to him on the sofa, leaning way too close.

-  “Even! Hi! It’s so good to see you!”

Vilde appeared out of nowhere. She stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek as a greeting. He noticed Sana just behind her and he greeted her, kissing her on the cheek, as well. She smiled at him and Even assumed that he was forgiven for the whole Kosegruppa meeting exit.

\- “Come on, have a drink with me!” Vilde exclaimed and she dragged him without waiting for his answer. He glanced in Isak's direction just in time to see him looking at him, ignoring Emma who was mostly talking to herself.

He ended up with a shot in his hands and he drank it out of politeness.

-  “Even, this is Eva. Eva, this is Even,” said Vilde.

It was the third girl who had greeted him at the Kosegruppa meeting two weeks ago. She waved at him with a tiny smile and then turned to Vilde to whisper something to her. He took advantage of the situation to slip away and he found Isak's eyes on him again. This time he looked distressed and Even decided to save him from the intrusive and annoying first year. He let himself fall on the sofa with an obnoxious grin and said,

-  “Hope you’re not bonding too much without me!”

 - “Finally! Hello!” yelled Emma, hugging him as though they were best friends. “Kose group, yay!”

Behind her, Isak rolled his eyes and Even stopped himself from laughing.

\- “So, Isak, maybe you can show me the thing before we get too drunk?” He said and the boy frowned, disconcerted, so Even turned toward Emma and added, “Sorry, we just have to do this quickly. We’ll be back!”

And before she got the time to ask to come with them, he left the sofa and hoped Isak was following him. But, of course he was. He glanced behind him to make sure Emma couldn't see them anymore but she had disappeared into the crowd. He took Isak's hand and dragged him into the first room he found, that turned out to be the bathroom. Not the best option but it will do.

\- “You’re good at rescuing people,” the younger boy joked.

-   “You’re welcome.”

They locked the door and ended up in the bathtub, their legs over the ledge. They only had Isak's beer to share but in the end, it didn't matter. They talked as easily as usual and they enjoyed the night without seeing anyone. At some point, they heard the girls telling people to leave the flat and take a taxi because they were leaving to the theatre party. Of course, they didn’t move.

-  “You forced me to have a pre-drink at my place just so we would finish together in my bathroom. You could have just asked, I would have invited you here without a party and at least I wouldn't have to clean my apartment afterwards,” Isak scoffed.

\- “Yes but you also helped and made Vilde very happy, and allowed everyone to spend an excellent evening. And you can be selfish and hide with me in your bathroom. It's a win-win,” Even replied. The younger boy pouted, and Even’s heart jumped but Isak didn’t argue.

\- “Are your friends here?” Isak laughed.

-  “Fuck no. Kosegruppa is definitely not their thing.”

\- “Is it your thing?”

-  “Excuse me?” Isak exclaimed, feigning outrage. “It’s not mine either! Told you, I was there because of the weed.”

-  “And now?”

Their eyes met.

\- “Well, it’s my place so…”

\- “You look great.”

Isak blushed furiously and Even brushed slightly at the pink stripes on his cheeks.

\- “Nice bandana,” Isak replied. “And nice t-shirt.” It was a simple, white t-shirt, but Even picked it because it was way too tight on him. It was the point, and Isak surely liked it for that exact reason.

-  “Isak?”

-  “Yes?”

As he turned his body towards him, Even planted his lips against his. It was not the best angle considering their position, but it was still incredible. He was kissing Isak. _Finally_. And after the first few seconds of surprise, Isak kissed him back. It was mostly lips brushing, but it felt huge. Even took his face in his hands and the younger boy slipped his own hands into his hair, ignoring the bandana. It was _so_ good.

He wanted to hold Isak's waist, but while moving his arm, his elbow struck something solid. Next thing he knew, they were fucking soaked. Isak broke the kiss and made a surprised noise. He was also a little breathless, but that had nothing to do with the water.

\- “What the fuck, Even!”

-  “It was an accident!”

He laughed. Apparently he had turned on the shower with his elbow and they were both standing under the shower head.

-   “Sorry,” he said, and then got back to kissing Isak, who happily consented.

At first, it was light and tender. Even put little kisses on his lips and stroked his cheek with affection. Then Isak lost patience. He pressed their chests together and grabbed the older boy lower lip between his. Even found himself whispering against his wet mouth. But he quickly came back to his senses and held Isak by the hips as he slipped his tongue between the boy's lips gently, leaving him the opportunity to retreat if it was too much.

It wasn't too much.

Soon, their kisses were heated and sensual. The water still flowing above them allowed them to slip their lips easily. Isak's hold in his hair was firm and a little desperate. He loved it.

When Isak broke their kiss again, it was to cough.

-  “Are you ok?” Even asked, giggling.

-  “Yeah. I got water in my lungs,” he replied, a hand on his mouth, still coughing a little.

-  “What?” He mocked. “Should I be afraid that you might drown under the shower head?”

\- “Shut up! I just got a drop of water in my throat!”

\- “How is that even possible?!”

He couldn’t stop laughing and eventually, Isak joined him. The water was turning cold so he turned the shower off and took the younger boy’s hand, inviting him to get out of the bathtub with him.

\- “Come on, let’s put you in some dry clothes before you actually do drown or catch pneumonia or something.”

-  “You can’t catch pneumonia like this, Even,” he said, rolling his eyes.

-  “Alright, smartass.”

He took the boy’s head in his hands and kissed him, just because he could. Isak relaxed instantly.

He was so happy, he couldn’t believe it was real.

*

Holding Isak tight against his chest was the best feeling ever.

After the incident in the shower, they changed, replacing their soaked clothes with comfortable sweatpants and sweatshirts. He already knew that borrowing Isak's clothes would become his new guilty pleasure. They started cleaning up the apartment because _"Eskild is gonna grumble and say I'm messy and can't be responsible,"_ but after only five minutes, they were kissing and pressing each other against the kitchen counter. Isak whispered _"fuck it"_ and they disappeared into his room, angry roommate and empty beer cans already forgotten.

Their embrace wasn't frantically sexual; in fact, it was tender and strangely intimate, and when they kissed, it was slow and soft. They were lying in Isak's bed like they had done it a hundred times before. However even despite that, Even still felt the butterflies in his belly, reminding him it was so new and a little unreal, but at the same time, there was no hesitation in their movements. Isak was sliding his fingertips in his neck, stroking the soft hair in the back of his head while Even was drawing patterns on his back, pressing his nose in the blonde curls.

-  “Is it ok if I stay here tonight?” The older boy asked, even if he already knew the answer.

-  “Of course,” he replied and then kissed his collarbone.

Even kissed him back on his forehead and they fell asleep holding each other.

*

He woke up before Isak, so he took the opportunity to take a real look at his room, since yesterday he hadn't really had the chance to, too busy with the owner of said room to have eyes for anything else.

There was a TV with a game console in front of the bed. Typical. Even thought back to Isak in his room, telling him how his was like pieces of you him everywhere. He seemed to think that it wasn't the case for his. And it may have been true. Apart from textbooks, his desk and shelf were almost empty. The floor was strewn with clothing but nothing more personal. The walls were empty (no posters, no photographs), apart from the one behind the bed where he could see a few printed pictures, memes, and a poster of a woman in a swimsuit - this in particular didn't look like Isak at all.

This room wasn't like the boy. He didn't find pieces of him in it.

At his place, Isak had slid that he lived in a shared apartment but they had never discussed why, how and since how long. Perhaps he had a room somewhere else that looked more like him?

-  “Morning,” whispered a sleepy but very pretty boy from the bed.

Even came back to him, put an arm around his waist and kissed his hair since his face was still mostly buried in the pillow.

-  “Morning baby,” he replied and Isak made an appreciative noise.

\- “Did you sleep well?” He asked as he left the pillow to rest his head against Even’s chest.

He nodded and they stayed in each other's’ arms until someone knocked on the door. Isak groaned and yelled,

-  “What is it, Eskild?”

-  “Are you just going to spend your whole day in there?” replied a man’s voice.

They checked the time; it was almost noon.

\- “I’m sleeping!”

Even held back a laugh. Grumpy Isak was definitely his weakness.

-   “Ok? Whose shoes are those in the hallway?” Isak hesitated a moment.

\- “They’re… They’re Jonas’. I borrowed them.” Then he glanced at Even, in a silent apology. The older boy shrugged and smiled gently. It was ok, no rush.

-   “Ok.”

Isak was about to talk when Eskild spoke again.

\- “Isak?”

\- “What?” he snapped.

\- “Do you know Noora’s here? She said she didn’t see you last night. But she came back. She’s here, in the living room.”

This time, Isak almost jumped out of bed. Even stood up and stroked his back to calm him down. Who was Noora?

\- “Fuck, really? I'm coming. Give me two minutes.”

They heard Eskild's steps move away.

\- “Are you alright?”

\- “Yes, yes. Noora used to leave here. She was at Nissen too and had this room before she moved out with her boyfriend to London. I didn’t hear anything last night, did you?” He shook his head. “Something’s wrong if she’s here. We’re not close but I should probably say hi or something."

\- “Yeah, sure. No problem. But… How can I leave?”

\- “Stay here”, Isak said immediately. “If you want to, of course! I… I won’t be long, I promise. I’ll bring back food and we can… Well, you don’t have to leave but if you need to…”

He silenced him with a kiss and he felt him relax against his lips.

-  “I’m waiting right here”.

Isak nodded and smiled, blushing a little. When he left, Even fell back into the bed and buried his face into the boy's pillow.

He felt so happy it was almost scary.

*

He was waiting for Isak when he received a text from his mother.

 

Mum: Even? Where are you?

You didn’t come home last night

Sorry, I slept at Isak’s

I’m fine

Mum: Ohhh

I bet you’re fine yes

Ugh

What does that mean?

Mum: Dad says to use protection

Oh my God

What the fuck

Mum: Don’t swear!

You know he's right, though?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Go away

I’m 19 years old

Mum: So what?

Can’t talk to you now

Mum: Have fun sweetheart!! <3

Be safe!

BYE

… <3

 

When Isak came back with food and asked if he was alright because he looked a bit red, Even seriously considered moving out. Or at least blocking his parents’ phones number.

*

They talked a lot during the weekend. It was all about getting to know each other and cuddling, and it was perfect. They talked about their friends and their childhood, movies and books, and after Even spent ten minutes describing his last hilarious Christmas with his eccentric family, Isak fell silent and he finally dared to ask him how he had ended up in this flatshare.

\- “It was actually just… There was this one night when I was fucking shitfaced drunk and then I met Eskild,” he explained, not looking at him.

\- “So he seduced you?” He joked, hoping to make him more comfortable.

\- “Nei! Or, what the fuck do I know, I actually don’t remember. I think he just felt sorry for me, because I was completely blacked out and… My dad just left my mom, so…” Even held him a little bit tighter. “The thing was, I didn’t want to go home. So he brought me here and then, blah blah blah.”

\- “Ok, blah blah blah. Good story,” he said because he could sense Isak becoming uncomfortable. The younger boy smiled, so he guessed it worked.

-  “You can have it. Make a movie,” he replied and he looked at him straight in the eyes.

- “I _am_ going to make a movie about you!”

- “I don’t think I’m worth a movie though.”

- “You are totally worth a movie, Isak.”

He seemed surprised and after a moment, he raised his head, brushing his nose against Even’s. He figured he was asking for a kiss and so he gave one to him. How could he not?

\- “I already know what it’s going to be called,” he said against his lips.

-  “What is it?”

\- “The boy who almost drowned in a shower.” Isak rolled his eyes.

\- “That sounds like a pompous, piece of shit movie,” he retorted and Even laughed.

Isak snuggled more against him and sighed.

\- “Anyway, Eskild seems to be a really good guy.”

\- “Yeah,” the younger boy whispered. “Don’t tell him but… I think I’m lucky he found me that night.”

-  “I’ll keep your secret.”

-  “Thank you.”

He smiled so bright, Even couldn’t stop wondering what he had done to deserve such a lovely boy.

*

When it was late enough Saturday night, according to Isak, for Eskild to be out, Linn locked up in her room and Noora staying at Eva's, Even went to take a shower.

What a surprise he had when he ended up face to face as he came out of the bathroom with a tall, red-haired, young man who looked at him from top to bottom. Even was only wearing a towel around his waist because he had forgotten to borrow a pair of underpants before leaving Isak's room. It was quite embarrassing but apparently the worst was yet to come.

\- “So… Who are you?” The guy asked. It was probably Eskild since the other roommates were women.

- “Uh… I’m Even.”

Fuck. He wasn’t supposed to get caught! He couldn’t stop thinking about Isak’s reaction. He didn’t want to upset him, or worse, out him.

-  “I’m Isak’s friend,” he added, even though Eskild wouldn’t believe him now.

The roommate arched an eyebrow.

\- “Isak doesn’t have friends as hot as you,” he stated. Even nearly choked.

\- “Uh, thanks, I guess?”

-  “You’re welcome,” Eskild replied and smiled at him, checking him for the second time.

-  “So… I’ll… You know. Find Isak and… Thank you for letting me use your bathroom.”

-  “My pleasure”.

Fuck, was he flirting with him?

*

He rushed into Isak's room and jumped into bed as if he wasn’t naked with a simple towel around his waist. Isak looked at him with wide eyes, blushing hard, and his mouth slightly ajar.

-  “Even? What's going on? Why are you…” He stopped and tried to keep his eyes on his face.

\- “Uh ... I forgot to borrow a pair of underpants. But listen, I've screwed up. I’m so sorry!” Isak frowned.

\- “You just came back from the bathroom, what did you do?”

\- “I met Eskild,” Even confessed and now he looked alarmed.

- “He saw you like... This?” He was crimson. They probably both were.

-  “Yeah. I was leaving the bathroom. I said I was a friend. And uh… I think he was flirting with me?”

-  “Of course he was,” Isak rolled his eyes.

His crush dropped his head into the cushions and sighed.

\- “Is it ok?” Even asked, nervous.

-  “Well, no, he can’t flirt with you.”

The older boy smirked.

-  “I mean, because I was supposed to hide.”

Isak straightened up, looking serious, and Even took his hand without thinking twice.

-  “I don’t want you to hide. I don’t want to hide _you_. I just need time for... To talk to my friends? But Eskild, it doesn’t matter. It's not like me being gay was going to be a problem for him. I suspect he’s probably crying of joy right now,” he declared with a very calm voice.

Even brushed a curl of hair behind the boy’s ear and smiled at him.

\- “Did you just come out to me?”

-  “Even,” he deadpanned, rolling his eyes.

\- “What? I’m serious!”

-  “Yes, ok. We just spent the last 24 hours making out, but I’m definitely not gay. Shocking, I know.”

\- “Well, I’m not,” he said, giggling. But Isak stopped smiling and he seemed genuinely hurt.

-  “I…You’re really doing this to me? Again? Fuck,” he swore.

He grabbed Isak's arm before he had time to leave the bed, pulled him against him, and kissed him with all his heart; tender but still firm, to make a statement.

\- “Not what I meant baby. Sorry,” he whispered in the corner of his mouth.

\- “Then what did you mean?” His voice was trembling, but his hands were gripping Even’s waist, just above the towel.

\- “I like boys, but I also like girls and… I just like people regardless of their gender. But mostly, I like you. Is that ok?”

Isak whispered a breathless _yes_ as they kissed with more passion than before. Simultaneously, they seemed to remember that Even was only wearing a towel.

\- “Even?”

\- “Yes?”

\- “You really need to put some underwear. First drawer.”

Even laughed and kissed him one last time before grabbing a pair of boxers and heading back to the bathroom, leaving a blushing Isak behind him.

*

 

Mikael: What’s up with you not replying to our texts!

What happened at the party?

Sana won’t tell us!

Sorry! I’m still at Isak’s place…

Mikael: WHAT

I’m crying rn

And I’m the dramatic one???

Mikael: Your fault

And stop talking to me

Go back to your boyfriend

 

*

Later that night, entwined warm under the duvet, Even took a risk.

\- “What did you mean when you said ‘again’?”

He had been thinking about it since it happened, replaying the scene in his head and he wanted them to be on the same page. He wanted honesty.

Isak understood immediately.

\- “I just… Six months ago, I thought you were messing with me. You know, flirting with me as a joke while you were straight and had a girlfriend. So earlier, I thought you were going to tell me it was just for fun, and you weren’t really into guys. I don’t know. I freaked out,” he explained.

\- “I’m really sorry, Isak, I promise I wasn’t messing with you, I…”

-  “Don’t worry, I know that now,” he cut him off and dropped a kiss on his lips.

-  “You must have hated me.”

\- “No. I could never hate you, Even”.

And he believed him, even if it seemed impossible.

_He doesn’t know how I can be._

-  “I’m serious with you. I want us to be serious,” Even added because now, he couldn’t stop. Now that he knew what it could be like to be with him, he couldn’t let his chance pass.

\- “Yeah?”

\- “Yeah.”

He kept his arms wrapped around his waist, but took a step back to be able to look him in the eyes. After a few seconds of reflection, Even took Isak’s left hand and kissed his knuckles. He didn’t release his hand when he asked,

\- “What do you think your parents would say if I became your boyfriend?”

Isak seemed to be a bit startled and he searched for his words for a moment.

\- “I think that would be fine.”

\- “Yeah?”

\- “Or… My dad probably wouldn’t care.” Even frowned.

-  “But your mom would?” Isak shook his head and then tried to smile.

\- “My mom is nuts.”

His heart lurched. He swallowed.

\- “In what way?”

\- “She… No, I mean, it’s a surreal situation. She thinks the world is about to end, or… But anyway, she doesn’t mean shit, I haven’t talked to her since I moved out.”

Even’s heart was beating so hard in his chest he wondered how Isak didn’t feel it. He knew before he spoke again that it was going to hurt. So fucking much.

-  “So you’re not in contact anymore?”

-  “No, well… I decided that my life is better without mentally ill in it.”

Even could swear he actually felt his heart breaking.

\- “What do you think your parents would say about me?” Isak then asked, shy and beautiful.

_They already love you. I already love you. Fuck, what am I going to do?_

\- “I think they’d love you,” he whispered and kissed him like it was the last time.

Then he realized, it probably was.

*

He waited until Isak was asleep to take his things and leave.

He left him behind a drawing because he couldn't bear the idea of abandoning Isak without giving him anything.  This wasn’t Isak’s fault.

He felt so stupid. He wanted honesty? He wasn't even able to be honest with himself, to tell Isak the truth. At least Isak had the courage to say what he thought.

He swallowed down the thought that came next. _But if I had told him he’d hate me._

Even remembered that he had missed taking his medicine while staying at Isak’s. He was still not capable of taking care of himself. Of course Isak wouldn’t want to deal with that.

He walked home in the middle of the night. The streets were empty. He was empty. He was cold but it was nothing compared to how cold his own heart felt in that moment. He could barely breathe. How could he have been so happy one second and feel so broken the next?

*

When his mother found him in bed the next morning, she looked surprised.

\- “What are you doing here? I thought you would sleep at Isak’s again.”

-  “No it… Isn’t going to work out. I just know that… I’m going to ruin his life.”

She looked so sad then. He hated himself even more.

\- “Even, you won’t…”

\- “Don’t. Please, don’t.”

She sighed and left his room.

*

He slept half the day and when he woke up, Isak had texted him.

 

Isak: I missed you this morning

Why did you leave?

Sorry, I forgot I had something on Sunday

Isak: It’s ok

Thank you for the drawing!

I really like it

I’m glad :)

Isak: See you tomorrow?

Yes. See you tomorrow <3

*

He didn't go to school the next day and spent his day working on a paper. Isak sent him a message in the middle of the afternoon and it took him an hour to decide to answer him.

 

Isak: I didn’t see you today :(

Sorry baby, I’ve been busy with homework <3

Isak: Oh I see, third year is hard on you

Want to meet up tomorrow after school?

I can’t, like you said, third year is hard on me

I’ll make it up to you soon though

Isak: Hope so!

Sorry <3

Isak: It’s ok <3

 

It wasn’t ok. He wasn't strong enough to end it or tell him the truth. He was leading him on knowing he was going to break his heart. He hated himself. Isak deserved so much better.

*

He stopped sleeping. Not completely, but he started to wake up at 4 AM for no reason and he couldn't get back to sleep.

Most of the time, he didn't answer Isak's texts or gave him a stupid excuse for not meeting him. He avoided him at school or didn't go at all. When he did see him though, he looked so sad, sitting next to his friends, and he couldn’t bear it. He was the one hurting him but he didn’t know what to do to make it right.

He skipped his appointment with his psychologist.

He knew he was slipping again.

*

One night, he made a decision.

 

Isak: I'm sorry I keep texting you

I just don't understand

I'm sorry if I did something wrong

 

It broke his heart like it wasn’t already broken. He wanted to say _you did nothing wrong baby, you’re perfect._ Instead, he texted,

 

Hi. I don’t really know but I think maybe things have happened too quickly.

 I know it’s my fault, but I need some time. Sorry.

 

 

Isak never replied and he didn’t sleep at all.

*

His father was cooking and his mother had just returned from work. Even was sitting on the small kitchen table because he couldn't stand being alone in his room anymore. He was used to solitude, he even looked for it. It was like that old friend who didn't always treat him very well, but knew him better than anyone else. He didn't need to pretend or hide from it, so it was impossible for him to give up on their friendship. But tonight he needed to distance himself.

So when his father told him behind the closed door of his bedroom that he was going to cook (something they liked to do together), Even joined him and his father tried to conceal his surprise. In the end, he didn't really help his father but just being present in the room comforted him and reassured his father. When her mother found them both, she smiled and seemed relieved as well.

She kissed them both and told them a few anecdotes about her workday.

For a few minutes, he had almost managed to forget the acid burning his stomach, the fog in his mind, and his heart broken in pieces. But then,

\- “Sweetheart, Doctor Maden told me that you didn’t go to your appointment a few days ago,” his mother said with her softest voice. He almost asked “who” because he was always calling his therapist by his name, Andreas.

\- “I didn’t feel like going,” he simply replied.

\- “Even, I know you…”

\- “No, you don’t know,” he snapped. “Don’t say you know how it is because you don’t.”

\- “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

She took a knife and started to cut the peppers. She was almost turning his back on him now and he couldn't see her face, but he hated himself anyway because he knew he had made her sad. Once again.

\- “I’m sorry mum,” he whispered, looking at the kitchen floor.

\- “Even.”

It wasn’t his mother. It was his dad, standing in front of him.

\- “Look at me,” he requested. His voice was firm but not harsh, so looked up. “Listen to me. We don't want you to be different and we love you the way you are. Your friends love you the way you are. And I am convinced that he would love you just the way you are if you let him know you. You, the whole you.” He was talking about Isak. He couldn’t believe it was happening. “The only person who doesn't love you the way you are is _you._ ”

Even ended up crying in his father’s arms and somehow it felt good.

*                                                                                                        

He knew he had hit rock bottom when he found himself texting Sonja the next day.

Can I call you?

 

He didn’t call her. She did.

\- “Even? Are you ok?” She asked immediately. Same old Sonja.

-  “Can I ask you a question?” He replied.

\- “Yes, of course.”

\- “I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.”

\- “Not possible.”

-  “Right…”

Sonja waited patiently while he was forcing the words out.

\- “Why… Why did we break up? Honestly?”

She stayed silent a long time before she exclaimed,

-  “Wow, Even, what the fuck? What are you doing?”

He was disconcerted until he realized his question must have sounded really weird without context. Shit.

\- “No, no, sorry, I’m not doing this. I’m not… Fuck!”

-  “What’s going on? Is it about Isak?”

_It’s always about Isak. Maybe it always will be._

\- “I just- I really want to know why our relationship went to hell. We were good. And then, we were…” Terrible. Awful. But he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. “Not good…”

\- “Not good,” she repeated and he knew she was smiling, because, of course, it had been more than just not good between them. “What do you really want to know Even?”

He took a deep breath.

\- “I want to know if me being bipolar fucked us up. I want you to be honest, please, be honest with me. I need to know.” She didn’t hesitate a second and answered,

-  “Of course not, what the fuck, Even! What are you talking about? It has nothing to do with that! We had been together since we were 15, we just changed in different ways. I think... We stopped bringing out the best in each other. We only stayed together because it's scary to be alone after four years sharing everything. And because despite everything, we cared for each other. But it's better that way, don't you think?”

\- “Yes, it’s better, I don’t… I don’t regret it, it’s not…”

\- “What’s going on with Isak? What happened?” She cut him off.

-  “I ran away. He said he doesn’t need mentally ill people in his life.”

He didn't know why he said that when he knew she was going to get mad at him. Maybe that's what he was expecting from the beginning. He needed someone to shake him and tell him to wake up, stop messing around, and who better at that than Sonja?

\- “Do you realize that's why we broke up?” Sonja asked and, wow, fuck, he wasn’t ready for this. Did she not just say it had nothing to do with him being bipolar?

\- “What?”

\- “There was not one and only reason, but the main reason why, was that I was spending my time telling you what to do and you had enough of it. You said I was trying to control you. And now that you're free, you're calling me to tell you how to manage your life? Fuck, Even! I can no longer be that person. And I should never have been, you understand? You have to learn to make your own decisions.”

She was right. She was so right. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. He stayed with her after his episode because he needed her to make all the decisions. But it wasn’t fair to her and it wasn’t healthy for him either; for neither of them actually.

\- “I have a date with my boyfriend, so I'll tell you one more thing and then you have to fend for yourself. We can be friends, but I can't be the one who tells you how to manage your life, okay? So listen. You know what my biggest flaw is, the one you brought out from me the most at the end of our relationship? I want to control everything. And you know what your biggest flaw is? You shut yourself up in your mind. You overthink, convince yourself of things that aren't even true most of the time, you blame yourself for all the misfortunes of the world and then you push away the people who love you. I don't know what happened with Isak, but you have to open your heart and your mind. And you know it. You know it very well. Nothing will ever go well if you keep everything to yourself and let your fears take control.”

She stopped. He was speechless.

- “I’m going to hang up now, Even. Are you going to be ok?”

Even had been afraid and had fled, breaking his heart and Isak's. Perhaps his illness would have ruined the life of the boy he loved. Maybe not. He hadn’t even allowed a chance for either of them to find out because he had blown everything up by himself.

He knew he didn't have to know everything, that he still had a long way before he could learn to fully accept himself. But he would never progress if he kept clinging to his uncertainties and refusing to take any risks.

He had lied to himself. He had never taken any real risks with Isak. Kissing him wasn’t taking a risk. That was fighting for him, it was opening his heart and sharing his thoughts. It was being honest. Telling the truth.

It wasn't making decisions in place of Isak because it was easier than letting him choose. And Isak had the right to choose whether to take the risk of being with Even or not. Even had stripped him of that right.

So he was going to rectify that.

\- “I’m ok. Thank you, Sonja. Have a nice date.”

He hung up before she did.

*

It was a bit late but he couldn’t wait. He had to try to fix everything. He couldn't leave Isak in the dark much longer.

Isak???

Fuck I’m so sorry

Please forget my last message

I can explain

Can we talk? What are you doing tonight?

Isak: Chilling at home

Can I come over?

I’m on my way

Isak: Um

Ok

*

He didn't really have time to worry. After Isak's last message, as always, he put on four layers of clothes and he went out, rushing to his place as if the younger boy were going to disappear from one minute to the next. He didn't have time to think about what he wanted to say and especially, how to say it, and he almost panicked when he found himself at the front door of the apartment, Isak in front of him.

He was beautiful. He had missed him all these days, but now that he was facing him, the lack struck him all the harder. He had only one desire; to take him into his arms and never let him go. But he couldn't do that. He saw the dark circles under Isak's eyes, the way he didn't look at him, his face tensing, his lower lip slightly trembling. He looked so sad.

_I did that to him._

Isak turned on his heels and headed towards his room. Even followed him without a word and closed the door behind him. His roommates didn't seem to be there, but he didn't want to be interrupted. He had never told anyone he was bipolar, not really. His parents, his friends, Sonja, and all of Bakka had more or less discovered it because of his behavior and the rumors. He didn't really need to say it for them to know. Isak, on the other hand, knew nothing.

Isak was standing in the middle of the room, his arms crossed over his sweatshirt. He still didn’t look at Even in the eyes but now, he looked scared.

-  “Maybe we should sit for this,” Even suggested.

-  “Fuck, no,” he replied.

-  “No?”

-  “No! I don’t want to fucking sit. You didn’t need to come here to do that. Your message was pretty clear, you know. How can you… You come here after days to what? Tell me you don’t want to be with me? So what, you suddenly realized that dumping me by text was shitty so you want to do this face to face? You don't get to do this to me! I don't want to hear you say it. I don't care. Fuck this. I don't want to hear it!”

His voice trembled and he repressed a sob. His eyes shone with tears. He looked tired, hurt and angry, all at once. And it was all his doing. Isak walked around and put his hand on the door handle. He was shaking. Even grabbed his hand and the younger boy pulled out as if he had just been burned.

-  “Don’t fucking touch me!”

\- “I’m sorry,” he whispered but it seemed to upset Isak even more. “I promise I’m not breaking up with you.”

\- “Too late for that. You already did.”

\- “I need to tell you something. I lied to you and then I ran away. I shouldn’t have. I owe you the truth,” he said, his own tears threatening to spill down his face.

-  “I don’t know if I can handle it,” Isak replied, looking so small and frightened.

_I know, I’m sorry for hurting you._

\- “Can I hug you?” Even asked, desperate to hold him in case it was the last time.

\- “What? Why?”

\- “Please.”

\- “Even, you said you weren’t breaking up with me,” he choked.

\- “I’m not, I promise.”

-  “Then why are you asking me that?”

-   “Because I’m scared you’re going to leave me after I tell you the truth.”

Isak looked at him for the first time since he had arrived. There was something that looked like defiance in his eyes.

-  “I won’t,” he assured. “You’re the one who left me.”

And with that, Isak threw himself into his arms, encircling his waist and burying his head against his chest, just below Even's chin. Even sighed, put his own arms around the boy’s back and breathed into his golden curls.

 _I missed you so much_.

But he couldn't afford to be distracted. He had his last embrace. Now he had to talk.

They sat down on the bed, close to each other. Isak let him touch his cheek, stroke his hair behind his ear and lightly touch his lips with his fingertips. It was a privilege he knew he didn't deserve.

\- “Even,” he whispered against his fingers. Even removed his hand. “Tell me.”

\- “Isak, you did nothing wrong. But I’m not good for you, I’m really not. I don’t want you to be sad, though.”

\- “Don’t do that. Don’t do the “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit!” Isak exclaimed, upset again.

-  “It’s true though.”

-   “Do you want to be with me or not, Even? Just say it. What’s wrong? I don’t understand.”

_Just say it._

\- “I want to.”

-  “Then what?”

-  “You said you decided that your life was better without mentally ill people in it.”

He had finally said it.

And silence fell upon them. Even stopped breathing and he swore that his heart was also pausing, potentially waiting for the moment to break all over again. Isak didn't move, didn't even blink. He stared with his mouth ajar, speechless. But in his eyes, Even could see he understood.

He wanted to say, _I'm mentally ill and it's ok if you don't want me anymore because I get it, I fuck everything up._

But he didn’t say it, because for the first time, a thought crossed his mind and it said, _no, you deserve to be loved for who you are_. No matter what Isak's answer would be, he wanted to love himself, bipolar disorder included. But if this magnificent boy in front of him could accompany him, he would only be happier. He might need a little of his love to accept himself.

It was a difficult task to learn to love yourself. Much more than loving others.

He wanted to try though.

\- “I have bipolar disorder,” Even declared and for once, it didn’t break him to say it or even think about it. “And I realize now that I don’t want to be ashamed anymore.”

\- “You don’t have to be ashamed,” Isak said and his heart definitely wasn’t ready for it. But it didn’t break.

Isak took his face in his hands and kissed him. It was the softest kiss they had ever exchanged. Actually, no one had ever kissed Even with such sweetness, with such tenderness, not as if he was something fragile, as if he deserved the most delicate touch. It was beautiful and he felt it all the way down to his curling toes.

-  “I’m still not leaving you, baby.”

And it was the most incredible thing Even had ever heard.

*

He would never have dared to imagine, not even in his wildest dreams, that he would found himself in Isak's arms after confessing to him his biggest secret. And he would never have believed that he could share with him, so easily, his fears and his anxieties. But he did. And Isak listened to him, hugged him, and kissed his temple when his voice trembled with emotion.

They stayed for hours like that. Even spoke to him about his depression, how he never told anyone except Sonja, and in a way, as he convinced himself he would make his friends run away if they learned that he was sick, he clung to her and let her lead his life until they hated each other. Then he told him about the evening they had met, that he didn't know it yet, but he was hypomanic. He assured him that, "Don't think it changes anything about our meeting, everything I said, I meant, I promise you" and "I know, don't worry, I know it, Even.” And then the boy kissed him.

Even talked to him about mania, the sleepless nights, his loss of control, all the things he had done and didn't even remember. How the whole school knew and he didn't even go back to Bakka with his friends, so he had to repeat his last year. Then he spoke of the fall, despair, and emptiness. How he felt nothing and everything at the same time. He couldn't do anything, everything was too much. He told him how sometimes, he hoped he would never wake up.

Then he told him about the days where he woke up and found hope in his heart.

Even confessed to him how he couldn't return to Bakka so he chose Nissen because he had never stopped thinking about him.

-  “I’m not easy. I’m probably going to hurt you,” he insisted because he couldn’t help it.

\- “You would never on purpose. Don't think about that.”

\- “I don’t want us to be like Sonja and me. We weren’t good together anymore but after my diagnosis, it was even worse. I don’t want our relationship to be about my illness. It’s not healthy.”

\- “Of course not, Even. You don’t need me to take care of you and I don’t need you to take care of me. But having you in my life helps me to face the day, makes it better, and maybe it can be the same for you. You’re not my responsibility, I won’t tell you what to do, just like you won’t do it for me. But it’s more than fine if you feel like having me in your life make you feel better. It’s healthy. You don’t have to be alone. In fact, you’re not alone. We can do this together. Like equals.”

_Fuck. I love you already._

*

Isak confided in Even, as well. He spoke to him about his childhood, about his father, who worked too hard, too late at night, but tried to show his wife and his son how much he loved them; his mother who had the most beautiful laugh but was so sad sometimes she remained lying in her room with a Bible and refused to speak. He talked about Jonas, his best childhood friend, the days and nights he spent at his place at his father's request because "mom needs to rest" and sometimes he was jealous of how Jonas' family seemed normal. But sometimes he was happy and he loved his parents more than anything, even if they weren't perfect.

It was a difficult realization, to discover that his parents were not infallible beings. It was even more difficult when he realized that what he felt for Jonas was more than friendship and that his mother couldn't stop reciting verses from the Bible, so he stayed awake at night thinking "I'm a sinner and I'm going to hell." It was even more difficult when his father had a burn out and left the house. It was even more difficult when Isak found himself taking care of his mother who was getting worse and worse. And finally, it was no less difficult when he ran away from home.

\- “Sometimes I hate them so much I don’t know what to do with myself. And sometimes I love them and I just wish we could be together again,” Isak whispered in the crook of Even’s neck.

\- “You have the right to feel like this. Don’t apologize for feeling that way,” Even said and the younger boy nodded.

\- “Same for you. Only you can feel what you feel.”

They held each other for the longest time.

*

As Isak had entrusted him with his crush on Jonas, Even confessed his on Mikael. It made Isak smile and he laughed saying that they were clichés for falling for their best friends.

\- “You know how people say that when you know you can't have something, you start to want it even more? I think that's kind of why I ended up with that crush on him. I knew how it was going to end. It's sort of reassuring, in a way. You don't take risks. You know it's going to hurt. No surprises. And things weren't good with Sonja, so I guess I used him as like... A distraction? I don't know. It's awful said like this, but I really don't believe I liked him that way. I liked the idea, the foolish expectation. Not him. Do you know what I mean?”

\- “Yeah. I think I get it. But… I don’t think I knew it was going to end badly. At some point, I really wanted to believe he was going to wake up one day and like me the way I wanted him to. I never thought about the end or the consequences of my actions,” Isak explained.

-  “Well, I guess I can’t help it. I constantly think of the end.”

Even knew Isak understood now that it was about something more than his past crush but he didn’t say anything. He brushed the older boy's hair and kissed him gently on the corner of his lips.

-  “Then, how did you think it was going to end?”

\- “I had two scenarios; either I would never tell him and it would go away eventually, or I would kiss him while drunk and... That's not the best scenario, obviously. Now, knowing what I know about myself, I guess it's more likely that I would have kissed him while manic. Not a good scenario either.”

-  “I guess. So none of your scenarios happened?”

-  “Nope.”

-  “Then what happened?”

-  “You happened.”

They fell asleep with their limbs intertwined together, appeased and full of hope.

*

Even woke at 4 AM as expected. He spent 10 minutes watching Isak sleep, his breath stroking his shoulder, his face pressed into the pillow as he had moved in the night, but his hand still held Even's wrist. The older boy separated from him reluctantly and undertook an excursion to the bathroom and then to the kitchen where he hoped not find Eskild. He was drinking a glass of water when he had the fright of a lifetime.

-  “What are you doing?”

He almost dropped the glass of water.

\- “Fuck, Isak! You scared me!” He exclaimed and then remembered they weren’t alone in the flat. “Did I wake you up?” he whispered.

-  “Did you want to sneak out?”

Even noticed the frown on Isak’s face and knew he wasn’t asking this as a joke.

\- “Of course not, baby, I just woke up thirsty.”

-  “Yeah. I know. Sorry.”

-  “Don’t apologize. I left last time, I know.”

He put the glass on the counter and joined Isak to take him in his arms. The younger boy encircled his waist in return and raised his chin, asking for a kiss that Even gave him without further delay.

-   “I like it when you call me like that,” Isak mumbled against his jaw.

\- “Like what?” He asked even though he knew.

\- “Baby.” He blushed saying it and it was adorable.

\- “I like it when you call me like that, too,” Even said in return. Isak pouted.

\- “I don’t call you baby. I will now, trust me, but I don’t remember doing it before. I was too scared to,” he admitted.

\- “You did it when you said you wouldn’t leave me.”

\- “Oh.”

*

They ended up making out against the kitchen counter. It was hot and passionate, they kissed with tongue and teeth. They were so close, it was like their bodies were melting into each other. They whispered, moaned, and gasped without shame. Even's hands were in the boy's hair and then held his face, stroking him while their lips met, then moved on his waist, touching his skin under his shirt and finally on his hips, holding him firmly in place against his own body.

Meanwhile, Isak's hands were around his shoulders, then they held his neck as he gave him several lovebites, before sliding them down his back to his ass where they stayed. Even couldn’t breathe, his heart was beating so fast, it’s like it wanted to jump out of his chest, bury itself right under Isak’s ribs and become one with his.

But they didn’t stop. He never wanted them to stop.

When Isak grinded against him and made the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, he almost lost it.

\- “We should- Your room,” he murmured against his mouth.

\- “Yes,” he gasped, his mouth ajar, showing the tiny gap in his teeth, and a drunk in love look in his eyes, pupils blown.

Isak was whispering nonsense when his back hit his mattress. It was almost unthinkable how quickly they pulled off their clothes. They didn't hesitate, didn't think twice. There was no doubt about what they wanted. They were naked, sweating on the sheets, and there was no discomfort, no hesitation, just burning desire.

Even kissed the boy's mouth, his cheeks, his eyelids, his temples and then his ear. He made a bruise in his neck and slid slowly along his chest, his belly, kissing on his way, lingering on his nipples and his belly button. He put his hands on Isak's thighs, kissed them to his knees and asked,

-  "Could you spread your legs for me baby?"

And Isak did, no question asked.

Even wanted to tell him those three words so badly, but he figured it really wasn’t the moment, so instead he decided he would show him.

When he took him in his mouth, Isak curved his back and cried his name.

*

They were both sleepy, Isak stretched out against him, his head resting against his shoulder when Even said, almost in a murmur,

\- “I think I’m slipping…”

At first he thought Isak hadn't heard him. But then, the younger boy straightened up and made them both roll to their sides. He pulled Even's back against his chest, wrapped his arms around his waist, spooning him as he kissed his neck before answering,

-  “Don’t be scared. You’re not alone. I’m right here.”

He fell asleep and this time he didn't hope he wouldn't wake up.

Truth to be told, he couldn't wait to wake up in Isak's arms.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, it was a long chapter! I'm a bit late, sorry guys. But I hope it was worth the wait! Thank you again for your kudos and your comments, that's so nice <3
> 
> Next chapter will be a long one too I think! It will be the last one + an epilogue. I'm going to write this until Even's birthday. 
> 
> I've a lot of things I want to write but if you want to read a scene between Even and specific characters, let me know! Seriously! I'd love to add your requests in the last chapter! Just leave a comment or message me on my [Tumblr](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I'll do my best to end this story before I leave for Budapest (26th august). I really hope you like it, send me your thoughts <3
> 
> Alt er love


	5. But we can stay here and laugh away the fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /!\ This chapter isn't beta-ed, so it's probably full of spelling mistakes and stuff (english isn't my first language)... I'm so so sorry...  
> If someone wants to correct it, please send me a message!

__

_Oh you and I_  
_Safe from the world_  
_Though the world will try_  
_Oh, I'm afraid of the things in my brain_  
_But we can stay here_  
_And laugh away the fear_  
_So breathe_  
_Breathe with me_  
_Can you drink all my thoughts?_  
_'Cause I can't stand them_  
_Intertwined_  
_Free_  
_I've pinned each and every hope on you_  
_[[Dodie – Intertwined](https://open.spotify.com/track/3uYxmgnOA9lJYAsHyEbbWA)]_  

  
*  
  
Andreas’ desk was a mess and Even loved it. Even's room was never tidy, and there was something comforting and familiar about the mess that covered the office of his psychologist, Doctor Maden. But Even always called him by his first name since he had himself insisted on Even doing it, under the pretext that "I'm ten years older than you, Even, don't make me feel older that I am." Even knew he was urging him to call him by his first name to make him feel more comfortable, to make these appointments less formal but he played along.  
  
He liked Andreas. He never looked at him with pity; he treated him as a human being and not as a sick person, even if technically he was his patient, and therefore a sick guy. He always asked him if he had seen an interesting film during the week and he always offered him a candy, not as a well-known manoeuvre from a doctor who rewarded his patient with a candy after a painful injection, but because he had a candies packet in a corner of his office and he felt guilty about eating it in front of Even without offering it. Andreas was eccentric, maybe a little weird. He was everything but the idea he had of a therapist. But Even was happy about it: the guy was cool.  
However, he remained his psychologist and Even liked that he wasn't tiptoeing around him and that he didn't try to lie to him.

"You say you think you're feeling an episode coming?" Andreas asked, a notebook on his knees and a pencil in his hand.  
"I don't think, I'm sure of it. I feel it."  
  
He slept only a few hours at night, and again, it was if he slept at Isak's. Otherwise, he remained awake all night while his mind was running wild. He wasn't tired and his brain was bubbling. He knew what that meant.  
  
"Okay. You know that's a good thing, that you're able to feel it? And that you talk about it openly? "  
"I would prefer that it doesn't happen at all."  
"I know. But still, I feel that, under the circumstances, you take it well. And allow me to assume that this has something to do with Isak. "  
  
He wasn't wrong. Things were going well between Isak and him. They were even great. Confess that he was bipolar didn't make him run away, there was no cold between them, quite the contrary; he felt like he was closer to him. Isak didn't monitor any of his actions as Sonja had done before, even though he knew that Even was on the verge of an episode. He was calm but attentive. They spent time together, sometimes spent the night together, went to school and sent messages during the day. Isak hadn't told his friends yet, but Even didn't feel like a secret.  
What they had, it felt real.  
  
"I'm glad to have him. But at night, when I stay awake fixing the wall, I can't help but ... Now, it's good. But it won't last. I will soon lose control and then what? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to deal with me when I'm manic, and I don't want him to see me in the depths of despair for weeks or even months after that. He doesn't deserve all that. It's not a life. "  
  
Andreas had put down his pencil and notebook on the desk. Usually his face was perfectly impassive. But this time he leaned forward a little and pouted.  
  
"Even, you haven't had an episode since your diagnosis. It's been over seven months. Do you realize this is a good thing? You have responded very well to your treatment. "  
"Over these seven months, I was depressed three months. Maybe more. I don't know. I don't want to relive this. I can't relive this, actually. Not just because of Isak. I also think of myself, of my life. I want to finish this year with a diploma. I…"  
  
His eyes met his therapist's, who was smiling slightly.  
  
"Why are you smiling?"  
"When we first met each other, you had a speech very, very different from yours now. You weren't thinking about the future. You didn't think about your life at all. And look now. You've come a long way. You should be proud of you. "  
  
Even remained speechless for a moment. Deep down, he knew he had changed. He didn't hate himself as much as he used to, he was no longer as ashamed of himself and of his illness. And most certainly, he didn't think the same way anymore. But still…  
  
"I understand. But soon I'll have a new episode and fucked up my life again. And all this will be destroyed. "  
  
He felt sick just thinking about it.  
  
"Not necessarily. Even, your episode a few months ago was particularly harsh. But you are under treatment now, you have a healthier and more stable lifestyle. Each episode is different. You know it won't necessarily be that hard? An episode doesn't necessarily last months. "  
  
Fuck. He had never thought about that and yet his doctors had explained it to him before. He wasn't going to screw everything up. He could finish his final high school year. He could keep Isak. He could go on with his life.  
  
"Besides Isak, have you talked to someone else? About the episode you feel coming? "Andreas asked, making him come back to reality.  
"My parents and my best friends."  
  
And just by looking at his psychologist, he knew it was a good thing. He came a long way. Nothing was perfect and sometimes his brain was playing tricks with him but it was better. Things were getting better and better.  
He left his appointment with the feeling that he was going to be able to face what tomorrow had in store for him.

  
*

Even's parents wouldn't be home before a few hours and they had finished school early, so Isak and he spent the afternoon locked up in his room. It was surprisingly pleasant, spending hours with someone doing nothing special and yet having such a good time. Doing nothing together. He loved it.  
  
"Do you sometimes think about other universes? Do you think about the Isak and Even who were able to be together before us? For example... What if I sent you a message like I wanted to do after our meeting? In February or March."  
  
They were both sitting on the floor as if there wasn't a couch a yard away from them, Even sitting between Isak's legs, his back against his chest. His boyfriend (because yes, he was lucky enough to be able to call this wonderful boy his boyfriend) gently stroked his hair, his chin leaning against his shoulder.  
  
"Hm ... Not really. I love this universe. I like things as they are."  
"Even if I hurted you? Even if I let you believe for months that I had made fun of you? "  
"It's nothing. Honestly Even, don't think about it. I think on the contrary that... Maybe we needed all this to become the people we are today and be together. "  
  
Even had never thought about it, but now he could only nod. When he met Isak, he was hypomanic. He was rather satisfied finally to have been able to confront his episode on his side, even if it was terrible sometimes. He had been able to restore order in his life and open his eyes on what he really wanted. He liked to have Isak by his side now but he shouldn't always rely on him.  
  
"When we met," Isak said, "I was... Honestly, I don't think I was ready for that. For us. I was lying so much to myself. I was a fake. I was dating Sara when I was perfectly aware that it wasn't what I wanted. I was ridiculous."  
"Don't say that. It's hard to be yourself."  
  
He turned to be able to see Isak's face and he almost finished on his knees.  
  
"Just a month ago ... You know Emma?"  
"Yes, I know Emma, unfortunately," Even replied with a grin and Isak snickered.  
"Of course. Well I ... " He looked embarrassed now.  
"What?"  
"I had something with her, like, just a few days before seeing you at Nissen for the first time. At a party."  
  
Ugh. It was an image he had no desire to keep in mind.  
  
"That explains why she won't let you go," Even commented. He wasn't mad, Isak had his past and he had his. He would never judge. But he hoped secretly to be able to show Emma soon that Isak was his.  
"Yes, it's my fault ... Even if I don't understand why she's still running after me, you know? Because things haven't really ended well, I ... It's very embarrassing."  
"Tell me. What happened? " He asked even if he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know.  
"She tried to... You know. In a bathroom during the evening. I kissed her just to show my friends that I could and... I couldn't. I don't even understand how she can't find it suspicious. Who refuses a blowjob? "  
"Who refuses a blowjob?" Even repeated before laughing.  
"Are you laughing at me?" Isak exclaimed, stunned.  
"No of course not!"  
"You're making fun of her then?"  
"I just laugh, I don't know," Even replied and they both laughed.  
  
He was glad to see that they could talk and laugh at such personal and potentially embarrassing things. They trusted each other. It was good.  
  
"I hope you like my blowjobs," Even resumed.  
"Oh my God, shut up!" He was red.  
"You seem to love them anyway."  
"Seriously, shut up Even!"  
  
He laughed and grabbed Isak by the waist to hold him against him as he pretended to get up, falsely annoyed. He apologized and kissed him even if it wasn't necessary. His boyfriend smiled and rolled his eyes.  
  
"What did you want to say, with Emma and his..." Isak gave him a death stare. "Anyway. Emma. "  
"Oh, yes, I just wanted to say that even this year, after months of realizing that I was gay, I still found myself in a bathroom with her to pretend. Because of what other people might be thinking of me. But not only. I think ... Being gay, for me, was just two things: the porn that I was watching and Grindr. " Even arched an eyebrow.  
"Grindr? You, on that? " Isak laughed.  
"Not really, I just downloaded the application out of curiosity once. Oh my God, it's a nightmare! Did you ever try it? "He nodded as a sign of negation. "It was scary? I said to myself: ok, is it what being gay looks like? And I couldn't accept it. I didn't think I could have this. "  
  
He made a sign, pointing to both of them. The porn and Grindr weren't actually good ways to show what a relationship might look like. And Even was a bit sad at the thought that the angel he had in front of him once thought he would never have the right to be with another boy, who would love him for who he is, who would just hold him in his arms and expect nothing else in return. Isak deserved so much more.  
  
"Me neither," Even said, but for a completely different reason.  
  
Isak caressed his cheek because he knew, because he was reading in him like an open book and it was so comforting.  
They chatted, cuddled and kissed until Even escorted his boyfriend to the tram stop. Isak promised that the next time he would stay to meet his parents.  
  
"I'll talk to Jonas first."  
"Take your time, baby."  
  
They let two trams pass before finally separating because apparently they were this kind of couple.  
  
*

Isak kept his word, even though Even was honestly willing to wait as long as it would be necessary. They were already seeing each other every day after class, and even if he would love to hold Isak's hand in high school or simply be able to eat with him and meet his best friends, he was ready to wait. He didn't care. He was happy this way too.  
But his boyfriend also seemed to be looking for honesty.

Isak: I did it

Yes? Are you alright?

Isak: Yes. I told him I liked someone

And I asked him to guess who

He said Emma, then Vilde

Vilde???

Wtf

Isak: I know!!!

But anyway, I gave him a hint

I said it wasn’t a girl

… Yes?

Isak: And he didn’t react

Like at all

Didn’t move an eyebrow

And what eyebrows he has!

Isak: Haha, yes, right!

Soooooooo

Isak: So?

Did he guess?

Isak: He did actually

Hm… How did he know me?

Isak: He saw you the other day when you gave me back my hat

He asked me who you were that day

And I freaked out, I said “some nerd from Vilde’s group”

Sorry :(

Are you mad at me?

Funny since you’re the real nerd in this relationship

Talking about physics at parties and all

I’m not mad silly boy <3

You told him today and I’m proud of you!!

Isak: Ugh shut up

Thank you <3

Look at you sending me hearts now!!

What happened to you?

Isak: Oh my God fuck you

Yes please

Isak: You’re the worst seriously

Hahaha

What are you doing now?

Isak: I’m still with Jonas

We're going to meet Magnus and Mahdi tonight

I want to tell them too and just relax

Alright, text me if you need anything

Can we meet tomorrow?

I think you deserve a reward…

Isak: Oh yeah?

What is it?

I could do the thing you did to me in the shower this morning

Just sayin’

I have english and a boner thinking about it

Isak: EVEN

I’m still with Jonas wtf!!!

I’m not sorry :)

Have a nice evening baby

Isak: I fucking hate you right now

No you don’t <3

Isak: Whatever tease <3

 

*

  
He saw Isak the next day and he kept smiling the whole time.  
  
"All went well except that Magnus asked me who was the man and who was the woman," he said, rolling his eyes.  
"Really? I love your friend, he has humor, I can't wait to meet him!"  
"He wasn't joking, Even!"  
  
He offered to his boyfriend  his reward and it seemed to him that it was a reward for both of them.

*

When they were seeing each other, it was mostly at Isak's place since they didn't really go out in public yet. Even had met Eskild a little more officially, whom he adored and who seemed to appreciate him a lot in return, and then he met Linn and Noora. He soon felt at home in a somewhat overcrowded flatshare with roommates with very different personalities. He loved to spend his nights there, not only because he could fall asleep in Isak's arms but also because he loved dinner time.  
He often found himself cooking with Noora while Eskild was telling his day or talking about his last outing in a club and the man he had spent the night with. Isak, under the insistence of Eskild or Even himself, put the table muttering under the amused eyes of his roommates. The meal ready, Even sat next to Linn, with whom he shared the same musical tastes. She always thanked him for his cooking with a smile which, according to Isak, didn't come to her often.  
He loved those evenings. Just like this one.  
  
"Isak, I have to confess you something. First of all, I was almost jealous that you found such a beautiful specimen while you were still hiding in the closet, "Eskild said, a glass of wine in his hand.  
"What the fuck Eskild!" Isak grumbled, loudly dropping the plates on the table.  
  
Even and Noora exchanged amused looks.  
  
"But you know what? I forgive you. You did a very good job. Please continue your efforts and make sure that he stays with us as long as possible. I have never eaten as well as ever since he was there. If you need some advice for, you know, the room, don't hesitate. To keep it, you have to play all your cards. "  
  
This time, Isak looked really annoyed. If a look could kill, Eskild would certainly be bleeding to death on the kitchen tiles.  
  
"Thanks but trust me, he doesn't need any advices," Even intervened.  
  
Eskild burst out laughing and Isak returned his annoyance to his boyfriend, even though he blushed and seemed secretly flattered. Even smiled, took his face in his hands and kissed him until it remained only a soft boy with heart eyes.  
  
"If you manage to do that with your mouth, I can't imagine what can be done with your dick. It must do wonders. "  
  
This time, it was Noora who undertook to silence him with a great deal of rags' blows. Eskild yelped and faked offense.  
  
"Eskild, sit down and shut up," Noora ordered.  
  
He actually sat. Noora had her own talents as well.  
Even went back to the counter where he kept cutting out tomatoes. He felt Isak sliding beside him, his body slightly pressed against his. It felt nice, cooking with him close to him. There was something domestic in the moment.  
  
"Even, please, don't let your boyfriend get too close to the meal. I’m really looking forward to eating it and he's a real disaster in the kitchen," Linn suddenly said.  
  
Everyone turned to her, a little surprised, then burst out laughing. All but Isak.  
  
"Very well, I see that tonight is my evening!" He exclaimed.  
"Go wash your hands," then Even ordered close to his ear.  
  
Isak frowned, but after a few seconds, he did as asked. Once back with clean hands, Even motioned him to follow his gestures. He took the knife, planted the tip towards the center of the tomato to cut around the stem, removed the green part and then cut the tomato into slices of a few millimeters before depositing it in a bowl. Finally, he encircled Isak's waist to position him between him and the counter, and slipped the knife into his hands. His boyfriend made a noise of surprise, hesitated a moment but then made up his mind. He repeated the same gestures as Even without causing any disaster.  
When Even turned around to take care of another task, Noora, Eskild and Linn were looking at them as they would look at two adorable puppies. Alright...  
  
"He doesn't need his dick," Linn said at the same time as Eskild said, "this is a miracle!" And Noora smiled kindly at him.  
  
He took back his place behind Isak and kissed his cheek, just because. He realized that Isak hadn't even deigned to get angry with his roommates. He seemed just delighted to be able to participate in the elaboration of the meal.  
He was glad that someone trusted him.  
Even really loved those evenings.

*

There was no doubt that Even was a good boyfriend. On the other hand, it became clear that he had been a very bad friend lately.

 

Elias: Ladies, kebab tomorrow night?

Mikael: I’m in!

Yousef: Sounds good!

Mutasim: YES

Adam: Maybe Even should pay since he’s been ditching us

What

Adam: Don’t “what” us bro

Elias: Yes, you have fucking disappeared on us

Mutasim: Yeah we miss you :(

I didn’t!

Did I?

Mikael: Yeah, you did

Yousef: Are you ok?

Elias: He’s fineeeeee

He’s getting laid

Yousef: What???

Why am I not aware of this?!

Adam: Where were you dude?!

Mutasim: We talked about it the other day at Elias’ !

Are you talking about ME when I’m not there???

Elias: Well, if you were there we wouldn’t have to

Mikael: He’s dating Isak!!!

Mutasim: That’s definitely not fresh news

Adam: Yousef, sweetie, were you a bit distracted?

Yousef: No!

Just didn’t heard I guess

Hmm sounds like a lie to me

Mikael: I agree

Mutasim: There were no girls at Elias though...

Adam: Except Sana

Wow

Yousef???

Yousef: what no!!

Elias: ADAM DON’T TALK ABOUT MY SISTER

Adam: I’m kiddingggggg sorry

Mikael: Anyway, we were talking about Even

Shit

Mutasim: Yeah shit

Yousef: Kebab tomorrow so you can tell me about your boy

Guys…

Elias: You’re not going to ditch us again, do you?

Adam: Be careful!!!

Mikael: What Even noooooo

I’m sorry

Dinner with Isak and my parents tomorrow

We just decided about it

Adam: I see

I thought it was bros before hoes

Yousef: Which hoes

Dude

He’s a boy

There are no hoes

Elias: fuck that’s serious

Mutasim: Yeah meeting the parents!!!

No it’s not like that

It’s chill

Mikael: Haha your dad is going to be so extra

Yeah…

I’m scared he would offer condoms to Isak

Elias: Wtf

Mikael: He totally would!

Mutasim: Please take a video

Anyway, I’m really sorry guys

I’m the worst friend ever

Let’s meet this week-end?

Adam: You bet we are!!!

Yousef: Good luck btw

Mikael: Yeah good luck to Isak :p

Shut up

Elias: After tomorrow night he’s single again

Mutasim: omg

Adam: Are we betting again?

NO wtf

 

*

  
So Isak was stressed and it was certainly an understatement. Even what they did in the shower before getting ready didn't calm him down. It was grotesque, because his parents were certainly the least worrying people. Moreover, they were already in adoration. Even was somewhat certain that whatever his boyfriend would do or say, they wouldn't change their mind about him. But Isak wouldn't relax until he had realized it himself.  
They took the tram together and sat down side by side. He wanted to take Isak's hand but he knew it was a bad idea; he still feared demonstrations of affection in public, so that wouldn't help him to relax.  
  
"Seriously Isak, it's nothing, they're cool. It's just diner. If you want, we can go back to your place right now and forget about it. "  
"No! It's fine, I'm fine! "He exclaimed, too fast to be credible. "I just don't have a good relationship with my own parents so I wonder..." He didn't finish his sentence.  
"I know. But I can promise you, you have nothing to worry about, "he replied. He was seriously short of arguments now.  
  
But he felt Isak's fingers wrap around his wrist and he took it as a thank you.

*

Even wasn't the type to say "I told you so" but if he was, he would have said it all day. Strange as it may be, Isak was on the brink of being adopted by his parents and his boyfriend wouldn't have necessarily mind, judging by his smile.  
They had scarcely put a foot in the apartment that already his mother had jumped on them, drowning them in a flood of words and stifling them in his arms. Isak was surprised, not expecting this overflow of affection, but he relaxed quickly and blushed under the attention.  
They found his father in the kitchen and Even helped him finish preparing the meal. Even had told his parents what had happened in the kitchen of the flatshare a few days before, so his father undertook during at least ten minutes to teach Isak how to cut onions without ending in tears.  
  
"Even had always loved cooking with his father. They can spend hours together in this kitchen, "commented her mother with a tender smile. Isak pouted and his eyes looked sadder.  
"I don't really have... It's complicated with my parents. I haven't had the opportunity to do things with them since I was like, ten years old. Perhaps even before," he confessed and he seemed surprised himself by his honesty.  
  
Even rubbed his back and kissed his temple, forgetting for a moment that they weren't alone. But Isak wasn't embarrassed; on the contrary, he leaned and relaxed against him.  
  
"Well, if you want cooking classes, you're welcome here. In fact, you're welcome here any time. Really," his father added, offering him his warmest smile.  
"Thank you," whispered her boyfriend, blushing.

*

They had dinner together in a good mood and his parents succeeded in making Isak speak for more than a quarter of an hour about his courses in physics and biology, scientific theories and anecdotes of intellectuals. His parents knew nothing about it, at least not more than what the average of the Norwegians knew, but they listened to it and commented from time to time as if they understood each of Isak's words. Even had never been more grateful to have parents like them than at this moment.  
  
"Do you know what you'd like to study after high school?" His mother inquired.  
"Not yet. Definitely something related to sciences but I'm still hesitating. There are so many possibilities. I wish I could learn everything," Isak said, laughing.  
"It's a good thing to be curious. Knowledge is the only true and inexhaustible wealth on Earth," his father said solemnly. Even and his mother exchanged a mocking look but   
  
Isak nodded immediately, very serious.  
  
"What did you study at university?" He asked.  
"Philosophy. I'm teaching it, now. At least, I'm trying."  
"That's so cool!" Isak exclaimed. And he really meant it, because he was indeed smart and curious. Even wished he could kiss him right now.  
"I guess. I'm not sure my son would agree with all the books I forced him to read but it was for his own good," he joked.  
"Anyway, it made him open-minded enough to listen to me talking about physics at a party," Isak replied and his parents laugh. They were literally under the spell of his boyfriend. "And what have you studied? What are you doing today? "He continued, speaking to his mother.  
"I'm a teacher too. Mathematics," she explained and Isak looked surprised. "I know. A philosopher and a mathematician? But on the contrary, our differences make our conversations much more interesting. And you realize that everything is bound, each discipline, each passion can join each other."  
  
Even thought to how much, at first glance, he and Isak were so different. He was a dreamer, an eccentric who lost himself in his own mind, spent hours scribbling and painting, writing melancholic lyrics, composing love songs, dreaming of becoming a director, telling stories through framing and flamboyant colors. Isak was realistic, had his two feets on Earth and believed firmly in the facts, entertained himself by memorizing the name of the bones of the human body, found solace in a classroom, could spend hours with test tubes in his hands in a lab, read incomprehensible works of unknown scientists, and dreamed of the infinity of the universe.  
But oddly enough, it took them only five minutes to find a common ground.  
He met Isak's gaze and he knew he was thinking exactly the same thing. He even allowed himself to believe that what he saw in the green eyes of his boyfriend was love.

*

They spent the night at Even's place for the first time.  
Isak was comfortable now, he had joked with his parents as if they had known each other for years and Even couldn't be happier about it. Clearing the table, his mother had whispered him "I like him. He's going to do you a lot of good," and he knew she was right.  
  
"Even," Isak said.  
  
He was in the process of inspecting his library of books, surely curious to familiarize himself with his boyfriend's readings, especially after he had discovered that he had been fed to the books of philosophers since his childhood. Even had spent the last few minutes watching him from the couch in his room, a cup of tea in his hand. He was such a goner.  
  
"What?" Isak pulled out a book from his shelf.  
"Is it ..."  
  
He frowned and seemed disturbed by his find. Even put her cup on a piece of furniture, intrigued. He motioned for him to approach.  
  
"You own a book about Newton," he noted, pointing to the object in question.  
  
_Oh_.  
  
"Yes. I bought it when... When I was manic. I couldn't stop thinking about you so I... Well, that's the kind of stuff I do. "  
"You were thinking about me?"  
"I told you already."  
  
Isak placed the book on the chest of drawers beside him and the next second he was straddling Even's thighs and he kissed him with insistence.  
  
"Wow. Alright. What did I do?" Even asked, breathless under the attention.  
"Nothing. I'm just glad to be here," his boyfriend whispered against his lips. Then he bit his lower lip and Even gasped.  
  
They ended up making out on the couch and then in the bed for hours.

*

As promised, Even saw his best friends the following weekend and it was almost strange to spend a day without Isak, although he would most certainly end up meeting him in the evening.  
  
"Finally! Casanova finally deigns to pay attention to us!" Adam exclaimed as soon as he set a foot in the house of the Bakkoush.  
"Come on, it's not been that long!" Even replied.  
  
All the boys, including Mikael, looked at him dubiously.  
  
"Alright, maybe it is," he admitted eventually.  
"So you're single or not yet?" Elias asked before laughing when Yousef nudged in the ribs with his elbow.  
"Idiot. If you want to know everything, it went very well. Really good."  
  
They all exchanged glances.  
  
"What?"  
"It's time to talk seriously," Elias decreed.  
"Yeah, come here," Mutasim invited him and he sat down beside him, puzzled.  
"Hm, guys..."  
"So, when can we meet him?" Adam resumed.  
"What?" He repeated, because, what?  
"Come on Even! I want to see what your boyfriend looks like!" Mutasim cried.  
"Yeah, me too!" Yousef continued. "You've been obsessed with him for months, we're curious!"  
"He must be hot," Adam added.  
  
He met Mikael's gaze and he nodded, looking serious - too serious, given the situation.  
  
"Even, you know I can't reasonably let you go out with this boy without meeting him and give you my approval," he said suddenly.  
"What the fuck."  
"Our approval," Mutta corrected.  
"Again. What the fuck. "  
"We are free next weekend," Elias said in a tone that meant, closed discussion, it is understood.  
  
Even stared at them for a moment, stunned, then burst out laughing. A few months ago, he would never have imagined being with his best friends demanding to meet his boyfriend. But what he felt at that moment was fantastic. It was everything. It meant everything.  
They all jumped into each other's arms as if they were still ten years old.  
God, he loved these boys.

*

Isak had also spent his day with his friends and it turned out that he had had the same kind of conversation.

Isak: Where are you?

Leaving Elias’ why?

Isak: Are you coming to mine?

So needy

Isak: Fuck you I’m not!

You are

I’m on my way <3

Isak: Whatever

Did you have fun today?

Yes!

Guess what

Isak: ?

The guys want to meet you

Isak: Wtf

My boys want to meet you too

Ser?

Isak: Yeah

They harassed me all the afternoon

Well mostly Magnus

But I think Jonas want to do the whole “if you hurt my bro I’ll break your legs”

Seems fair

What about Mahdi?

Isak: He’s chill but he agreed with Jonas so…

I don’t plan to hurt you ever again

Isak: I know baby

My baby <3

Isak: Ugh, don’t be weird and sappy

Have you meet me???

Isak: Anyway

What about your boys?

My boys want to: 1, see if you’re hot; 2, meet you to give me their approbation

In that order

Isak: I like their sense of priorities

Well I guess I already nailed the first one

Wow, so humble!

Isak: I'm just trusting what you said to me at least ten times last night

Don’t be smug

Isak: Or what

Or I turn around

Isak: You wouldn’t

I would

Btw the boys want to meet you next week-end

Is that alright?

Hey we should make a party!

But like, you, me, my boys, your boys

Isak: Sure, mine?

If you’re ok with it

Isak: Of course

Where are you now?

See? So needy

Isak: Yeah? Well guess who’s gonna stay at the door tonight

Don’t! I’m here

I’m freezing baby open

Isak: Too bad

Pleaseeeeee

I’m sorry

I missed you today

Come on

Isak: So needy

Haha shut up <3

  
  
*

Even had a glimpse of what Isak had felt the previous week when he met his parents when he brought his best friends into the flatshare. They were the first to arrive and, as usual, they were noisy and confusing. He knew he had no reason to be worried, they would inevitably like Isak and in the end, even if they weren't (which was impossible but in the hypothesis), it wouldn't change anything. He wanted him, no matter what. It was settled now.  
It wasn't really a problem though. They barely exchanged a few words with Isak and they were already conquered.  
  
“Wow, Adam was right, nice catch Ev, he’s handsome!” Mutasim exclaimed as soon as he laid his eyes on his shy boyfriend.  
“Hi Isak, my name is Mikael. I’m Even’s best friend,” Mikael said, smiling and way more quieter than the others, as he offered him his hand to shake.  
“Nice to meet you,” replied Isak, a little overwhelmed, Even could see it (but certainly not his friends who wouldn’t calm down even for a second). It wasn’t a surprise, he knew they had often this effect on people.  
“Mik, no need to suck-up, chill!” Adam teased.  
“And anyway, _I’m_ Even’s best friend. G’night, I’m Elias!” He added, provoking an avalanche of protests. Suddenly, everyone wanted to be Even's best friend.  
“I've known him for far longer than you, I'm the best friend!” Mikael argued.  
“Yeah but I’m the one with the warmest hugs!” Mutta retorted.  
“We are not having this conversation again,” Adam said. “This is ridiculous. I am the one he can always count on to have a good laugh.”  
“You’re all wrong. I’m the true best friend. I've been his number 1 support during the whole "let's win Isak's heart" stage,” Yousef shot back.  
“What?! One week ago you didn’t even know he was dating him! And you have the worst flirting advices!” Elias bit back.  
  
Even slipped an arm around his boyfriend's shoulders as a moral support, even though he didn't seem to need it; he was struggling to restrain his bursts of laughter.  
  
“I have an important question,” Isak said and all the boys fell silent. They turned towards him, attentive as never he had seen them before. “Who advised Even to empty the paper dispenser?”  
  
There was a brief silence, until the question was integrated. Then the hubbub broke out again but this time they were all dragging Even's pathetic but epic flirting attempt.  
  
“Thanks baby, that’s very nice of you,” Even muttered.  
“I had to ask, Even. I _needed_ to know,” Isak teased back. “Don’t be upset, in a few minutes, it’s going to be my turn”. But he was smiling so bright, who could be mad at him? Certainly not Even.  
  
Eventually, they stopped talking over each other and Even invited them to sit down. He provided them appetizers that he had cooked in the afternoon and Isak offered them drinks - beers, juices or teas according to taste.  
  
“Oh, before we forget! Isak, I think I can speak on behalf of everyone here and tell you that you have our approval. Even, man, don't messed up. He's a real catch. You need to keep him”, Mikael declared and all the boys nodded.  
“Thanks,” Isak replied and laughed before sitting next to Mutasim who welcomed him with open arms.  
“Don’t worry, I know he is. He’s stuck with me”.  
  
This time, Isak didn’t tell him to stop being sappy.

*

Meeting Isak's best friends was an experience in itself. Jonas, the one he was the most intimidated by, offered him a firm handshake and formal greetings that made him understand that he had his proofs to do. Mahdi was warmer, with his big smile and an invitation to smoke during the evening. Finally, Magnus, well... Magnus all but threw himself into his arms before he had time to say his first name and cried out that he was "so fucking happy, you can't even imagine, dude" to meet him. Isak rolled his eyes and when Even offered them beers, they looked at them as if he was the holder of a kind of super power.  
Then…  
  
“Oh my God, Isak, how did you manage to find yourself such a hottie?” Magnus yelled. Being loud seemed to be one of his major trait.  
“Yeah, can’t believe it, considering how ugly you are,” Mahdi added.  
“What the fuck, last time you said that, I literally said to Emma she looked like Eleven from Stranger Things and she fell into my arms like, two minutes later,” Isak retorted, quite proud of himself.  
“Don’t brag, Isak, that’s rude,” Jonas reprimanded but smiled anyway.  
“That’s so fucking unfair!” Magnus exclaimed in a high pitched voice. “Why can you have both hot girls and hot boys?!”  
“Well, he can’t anymore,” Even spoke and then mouthed “mine” with his best smug face, because, why not since it was kind of true.  
  
When Isak didn’t contradict them, to everyone's surprise (including Even’s), his friends laughed and started shouting how Isak was “so fucking whipped, man, you’re screwed”.  
  
“You know what, we’re gonna switch friends. Even’s are way nicer with me. See you never!” He announced before leaving to find his new friends.  
“Well, I’m fine with this arrangement,” Magnus said casually and Isak insulted him from across the room.  
  
They joined Even’s friends as well and soon everyone mixed up easily.

*

Even managed to break the ice with Jonas when he discovered that the both of them loved skateboarding, playing guitar, and were interested in film and video editing (Jonas to denounce and carry socio-political messages, Even to count tragic-romantic stories, but for the general idea, they agreed).  
Mahdi's weed contributed greatly to the discussion and soon they joked and clapped their backs like old friends. Magnus intervened from time to time to talk about a sadomasochistic dream (Isak had really eccentric friends) that he had with in Dominatrix leading role, no more and no less than Vilde. Isak eventually drove him out of the kitchen and Magnus went to talk with Mutasim and Adam at the other end of the room. Their laughters and exclamations must have been heard throughout the whole building.  
When Even disappeared, Mikael took his place and began a lively discussion with Jonas. They seemed to come to an immediate agreement, which was both surprising and obvious.  
  
He found Isak installing his console in the living room, ready to start a game with (or against, supposedly) Mahdi, Elias and Yousef. He quickly discovered that his boyfriend was the worst bad loser ever, and bad luck, Elias was no better. Fortunately, Mahdi and Yousef used their remarkable coolness to calm them before a gamepad flies through the apartment.  
  
Smiling, Even realized that the evening couldn't have unfolded better.  
  
Everything was perfect and it felt nice.  
  
It felt nice until it didn’t.

*

He couldn't remember how he'd finished sitting in the dark on the stairs of the building but all he knew was that he couldn't go back to the apartment. He couldn't spoil everything again. He refused it.  
  
At one point he realized that he had drunk at least two beers, that he had smoked, that he hadn't slept the night before and not more than fifteen hours this week, that he was happy, so happy, perhaps too happy, it was no longer happiness, it was being high, and he didn't know what to think. Or how to think.  
No, not exactly... He could no longer control his thoughts.  
  
So he ended up freaking out in the dark outside his boyfriend’s flat where his best friends and Isak’s friends were. It couldn’t happen now. It was the worst time possible.  
Why am I always messing everything up?  
  
Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and it almost brought him back to reality. He hadn't realized that he had begun drowning in his mind.  
  
“Even? Are you alright?” Mikael asked, concern showing all over his face.  
  
He debated the need to lie and then realized that he no longer had the strength to do so.  
  
“No, I don’t feel well,” he answered very slowly.  
“Did you have too much to drink?”  
“Not that kind of not well”, he said then and his best friend understood straight away.  
  
He felt his arms around his shoulders but it didn't comfort him as much as he thought it would. He needed the arms of someone else...  
  
“Maybe… We should stop the party and…”  
“No!” Even exclaimed. He didn’t want to ruin everything. _Again_.  
“Okay, okay. Just… Do you want to go home?”  
“Yes”, he said before giving it much thoughts. But after thinking about it, he felt like it. If he had to lose his control, he needed it to be far from here.  
“Do you want me to take you home? Or… Isak?”  
  
Once again, he didn't need to think much before replying to the question.  
  
“Isak. Please.”  
  
Mikael turned and spoke to someone behind him. He didn't know then that they weren't completely alone.  
  
“Elias is looking for him. It’s going to be okay.”  
  
No. It wasn’t going to be okay but what could he do about it anyway?  
When Isak took him in his arms without asking any question, without showing any bitterness or fear in his eyes, nothing but affection, he thought for a moment that he was dreaming. Or that he had definitely lost his mind. But he held him tigher and kissed his temple, and it felt real.  
  
“Do you have your phone somewhere in your pockets?” Isak asked. His voice was so calm, like if finding his boyfriend losing his shit in the stairs was normal and nothing to be worried about.  
“Yes,” Even said after a moment. Or a long time. He didn’t know anymore.  
“Okay. Can I call your parents? Can I ask them to come pick you up?”  
“Don’t!” he exclaimed and he clutched at Isak, probably too hard, “stay with me.”  
“I can come with you,” his boyfriend whispered against his ear. “Even, breathe, I’m here. You’re not alone.”  
  
He didn’t realize he had stop breathing normally.  
  
_You’re not alone. You’re not alone. You’re not-_  
  
He took a breath and nodded.

*

For a few seconds as he was waking up, Even thought everything was fine. Maybe he had been wrong, maybe it was a false alarm. But then, an unruly flow of thoughts crashed into his head and everything was going too fast to make him fully aware of what was going on. He didn't care. It no longer made him panicked; in fact, he felt joyful and full of energy. It was going to be a great day.  
  
Isak was still sleeping next to him and he resisted the temptation to wake him up. He could be patient for a few more minutes. Probably.  
  
He jumped out of bed and ran straight into the kitchen. He knew what he was going to do.  
  
_I took the liberty of ordering everything on the menu. I didn't know what you'd like._  
  
He couldn't order everything like in Pretty Woman, but he was a very good cook, so he could just cook everything. He pulled out of the fridge some butter, eggs, cream, milk, cheese, bacon, salmon, tomatoes, yogurt and jam. From a cupboard he extracts flour, sugar and spread. He was going to be able to make crepes and prepare salty toasts, but an improved version of his cheese toasts. He had to impress Isak. He regretted not having strawberries to accompany the yogurt, it was the best but it wasn't the season. Instead, he found in the fruit basket apples that he could cut into quarters and oranges. It was not ideal. Perhaps at the shop could he buy pineapples and kiwis?  
  
He was going to look for his wallet when his parents interrupted him.  
  
“Even? What are you doing?” His mother asked. She seemed worried. Why was she worried?  
“I’m making breakfast for Isak. But I'm going to do a lot of stuff so you can have some. Anyway, I need to go buy fruits.”  
  
His father stopped him on his path.  
  
“Do you know what time is it?” He didn’t, actually.  
“No? Why?”  
“It's not even 7 in the morning. The shops are closed. And we came home from Isak’s place late, remember? You barely slept two hours. Isak won’t wake up before a long time. Leave breakfast and go lie down with him, maybe? Try to get back to sleep,” his father explained calmly.  
  
Truth to be told, he didn’t remember how he ended up at his parents’ place but as long as Isak was there, everything was okay.  
  
“I don’t want to sleep. Sleep is the cousin of death,” he argued. His dad frowned. “It’s okay! I want to cook a lot of things, I need time!”  
“Even,” his mother pressed. “You make too much noises. You're gonna wake him up.”  
“It’s okay!” He repeated. “He’s going to be grumpy but I can make it up to him! Should I make crepes or waffles? I was going to make crepes but maybe he prefers waffles... No, you know what, I'm going to both! Edward ordered everything so I have to cook everything. Wait, does Isak know what crepes are? What about pancakes instead? Shit, I-”  
“Even?”  
  
It wasn’t coming from one of his parents. He turned around and found Isak standing in the frame of his bedroom door. He had a pillow mark on his cheek and although he seemed very tired, he was beautiful. But again, what was new about it?  
  
“Why are you yelling? Are you alright?”  
“Yes, I’m great! Sorry baby for waking you up. I was going to cook you breakfast,” he explained before hurrying to kiss him.  
“It’s too early,” he complained. Predictable. “Come lie down with me.”  
“But-”  
“Please.”  
  
Isak looked him straight in the eye, strangely imploring, and he kept holding Even’s wrist a little too tight. Even sighed; he couldn’t really tell him no.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They went back to Even's bed. He knew full well that he had no intention of sleeping, but maybe he could wait until Isak was asleep to get up. Why sleep when there was so much to do? He looked for one of his notebooks. Maybe he could make a list? He had so many ideas that he ended up forgetting because he couldn't do everything at the same time. He should write them down somewhere.  
  
“Even, come on. Lie down and hold me. Please.”  
  
Even was on the verge of protesting but eventually, holding Isak in his arms seemed like a very good idea too. He could do that.  
  
“Don’t leave. Stay with me,” Isak required.  
“Of course not! I’m here, look!”  
  
His boyfriend didn’t seem very convinced so he figured he would stay with him in bed. For now.

*

He didn’t stay though. At first he tried several times to slip out of bed as soon as he felt Isak's breathing become monotonous, but every time he got up, Isak opened his eyes and pulled him against him imploring him to fall asleep. Even didn't find the courage to contradict him so he obeyed, only to start again a few minutes later.  
  
Eventually, Isak found himself too exhausted and he fell asleep so deeply that he didn't feel Even leaving the bed.  
  
It was frustrating to have all these ideas and plans in mind and to not be able to achieve them as he wished. He took a look at the messy kitchen and thought of how much he liked to cook and that he would like to improve. Then he thought of his father who had taken cooking classes in Italy during a language study vacation and he suddenly found himself with his computer in the living room to organize holidays in Tuscany for Isak and him. He found a typical house lost in the middle of the olive fields on Airbnb and he was ready to buy the plane tickets but he couldn't get his credit card. Or his wallet, in general. He was persuaded to have had it on him yesterday at the party. Never mind. He decided that he could always borrow his parents' cards and pay them back later, but he had no more luck: his mother's wallet wasn't in his purse and his father's wasn't not on the table in the entrance. It was becoming more than frustrating.  
  
In desperation, he went back to the kitchen and began to prepare the brunch he had started earlier this morning. When his parents and Isak finally woke up, the dining table was covered of food.

*

In the afternoon, he pushed all the furniture in his room against the walls to clear a large space in the middle of the room. When his parents understood what he wanted to do, his father forced him to cover the floor with a plastic tarp. He placed over large white sheets and took out his material - pots of paint, brushes, rags, sponges, jars that he filled with water. Then he put on his usual outfit when he was painting, which consisted of an old jeans covered with stains that he sometimes used to help his parents in the garden, and a shirt that had belonged to his father and that he had used to paint for years now. He found worn out clothes that he lent to Isak and tried to drag him into his project. He would never have thought that seeing his boyfriend with a brush in his hands and paint on his face could be a turn-on but it was definitely one.  
  
After covering the sheets of paint, Even undertook to undress Isak and persuaded him to let him paint on him. When he heard him laughing under the brush, exclaiming that he was ticklish, Even realized that he hadn't heard his laughter since it seemed to him to be days - although it was actually hours, since they had returned from the party. He wanted to keep making Isak smile so they exchanged and soon they were both living paintings.  
  
They finished in the shower. Even fell on his knees but Isak forced him to stand up, complaining that he didn't want to do anything when his parents were in the house, and that he was tired, he just wanted them to shower and then go lay down. Even didn't insist. He would never. They intertwined their bodies, just holding each other until the water ran cold.  
  
Of course, Even didn't really want to rest, but he negotiated with Isak and while he took a nap, he stood by his side and blackened his notebooks with drawings.  
  
It was a great day.

*

The following days were spent in the same mood.  
  
Even insisted several times to go back to Isak's apartment but he was always finding excuses. He became suspicious, but since his boyfriend didn't leave him apart from the time when they had to go to high school, he moved on to something else. High school, moreover, had become an obvious waste of time while he was so inspired at the moment. So as soon as he left Isak in front of his classroom, he would find a corner somewhere, take out his computer or a sketchbook and busied himself while waiting for Isak's return. Several times he simply went home, taking advantage of the fact that his parents were at work to be at home in peace. He tried to persuade Isak to skip with him, but he was too focus on his grades, which Even understood. He was unable to concentrate long enough on the same idea to be upset and get angry with Isak.  
  
One afternoon he made a dozen or so florists to find the flowers he wanted, and when Isak came back from school he slipped them into his hair despite his boyfriend's protests and took pictures of him for hours, until Isak told him he was tired.  
  
He was always tired these days. Even wondered if it was because he kept him awake at night but he didn't sleep at all himself and yet he felt perfectly fine.  
Things were great.  
  
Until the morning where they weren't anymore.

*

Even had forgotten how brutal the fall was.  
  
Everything was so bright and overnight, perhaps even from one hour to the next, everything became dark and asphyxiating. He felt overwhelmed by the weight of the world, so that he no longer even had the courage to get out of bed. Then he wrapped himself in his blankets and closed his eyes, to avoid seeing Isak's sad face, who stayed with him for a reason that he couldn't understand.  
  
They were back.  
  
These vile and cunning thoughts which delighted in his apathy, cursing his reason and sowing discord in his mind.  
  
He slept. He slept because it was the only bulwark against these - his - demons.

*

Sometimes, when he awoke, he was alone in bed and there was no trace of Isak. Then a few hours later, he felt his tickled curls on his neck and his weight on his mattress. He was there. Why was he there?  
  
Even knew he was leaving to go to high school. It was normal, that was what every normal teenager had to do. The part of him who delighted in his selfishness hated that he left him. But on the other hand, the one who was right, who thought clearly, was on the contrary upset when he always came back when he had much better things to do. He shouldn't be there.  
  
Isak should live his life. No wait until Even takes back his own.  
  
His mind thought: go, go home. But he was too exhausted to utter the words.  
  
Sometimes, in moments of clarity, he thought it was more about selfishness than tiredness.

*

Time passed, life went on, even if Even didn't follow the course.  
  
His only markers were the moments when his parents or Isak were trying to make him eat. He assumed that it was lunch time (his parents) or dinner (Isak). His medication always accompanied his meal. If he were able, he would certainly laugh. What were they used for? What a joke of treatment. He'd always be sick, what's the point?  
It was an eternal loop.  
  
He knew it. He had been locked up there for weeks - months - before. But he didn't remember how he'd managed to get out of it the last time.  
  
How was he supposed to break the loop?  
  
_What if you can’t?_

*

Even hated that the day when he had enough energy to stand up and talk to Isak, it was to break him. But in a way, it didn't surprise him that much. He knew it would happen. He just didn't know when.  
  
He just knew why: Even couldn't steal him from his real life any longer.  
  
“Isak,” he called and when his boyfriend looked at him with hopeful eyes, he felt his heart squeeze in his chest. “You have to leave.” Isak’s face fell.  
“What?”  
“Go home.”  
“I’m fine here Even, I promise.”  
  
Even sighed.  
  
“Why can’t you just leave, Isak? Why are you always coming back?”  
  
He looked hurt this time but he stayed calm nonetheless.  
  
“I told you. You’re not alone.”  
“You’re not my fucking babysitter Isak, I don’t need you. Just leave,” he snapped back.  
“No. I’m not your babysitter. I’m your boyfriend. I want to be with you.”  
“No you don’t,” Even objected.  
“What?”  
“You don’t want to be with me. You think you have to, because you made a promise. Well, I’m telling you: there is no promise to keep anymore, you need to leave.”  
  
Isak looked at him for a long time, his lips trembling with emotion, searching for his words. Even was glacing at him straight in the eyes when he threw:  
  
“Jesus, Isak! Back the fuck off! I _don’t_ want you here. I _don’t_ need you. Can I have some air without you clinging to me day and night?!”  
  
He couldn’t believe it was his own words coming out from his mouth. Isak either, it seemed. He’d swear he saw something in Isak’s eyes shatter.  
  
_They were winning._  
  
Even tried to ignore the sob he heard when Isak left his room. A few seconds later, the door of the apartment slammed.

*

He realized perfectly that he was a pathetic cliché. To repel Isak, to pretend that he was insensible, that he no longer wanted him, and to be offensive? It was cliché, even coming from him. The worst part was that he was beginning to believe that he hadn't done it for Isak. He was beginning to think that he had done it because he was completely masochistic and that he sought to hurt himself, to pull himself further down.  
  
He could hear his therapist’s words: “progress isn’t linear”. But this time, he had the feeling he was back to the very start.  
  
_“I wish you would start to love yourself again”_ , his mother had said to him, months ago.  
  
And Even had never hate something or someone as hard as he hated himself this night.

*

Mikael was here and he would take no shit coming from Even.  
  
“We fought because of you, you know,” his best friend said after he sat next to him. “We figured it wouldn’t be a good idea to come all together so we had to choose someone. We did Rock - Paper - Scissors game. _I won_ , obviously. These guys are so predictable.”  
  
Even didn’t reply and kept staring at him in silence. Maybe he could make him uncomfortable or upset him enough, he would give up and leave, just like Isak. However, Mikael didn’t seem to mind. He kept talking and talking.  
  
“Elias’ mum cooked you something by the way. Lucky bastard!”  
  
And he disappeared only to come back with a plate filled with food. He put it on the coffee table.  
  
“Come on, eat while it’s hot.”  
“Mikael, leave me alone,” he sighed.  
“Don’t be rude Even, it’s from mamma Bakkoush!”  
  
Even still felt like shit but he had left his bed for the couch the previous day. Huge mistake, his best friend seemed to take this as an approvement sign (maybe it was, but he didn’t want to think about it) and he stopped tiptoeing around him. Even almost missed the time when Mikael was too scared to talk to him.  
He took the fork and swallowed a bite.  
  
“Happy?” He mumbled.  
“Very. Now, let’s be serious.”  
Fuck this.  
“See, yesterday, I asked Isak how you were doing. And, super weird thing, he told me he didn’t know because he haven’t seen you. I have to ask why, because, you know, and, you know what he told me? Hm?” He waited a few seconds but he only met silence. “Alright, I’ll tell you. He told me you asked him to go away. So, here’s my question, Even: what the fuck?!”  
  
And he was supposed to be the fucking dramatic one in this friendship?  
  
“Do you mind taking care of your own business, Mikael?!” He snapped.  
“You’re my best friend, so you’re my business, whether you want it or not. Stop being-”  
“I swear Mikael, if you call me drama queen I’m going to kick you out!”  
“I’d like to see you try dude!”  
  
Even was surprised; he would have never imagined that Mikael would dare to speak to him like that. But on one side, it made him likes him even more strongly and he thought of how he was lucky to have him as his best friend. In fact, Mikael was courageous to dare to speak to him the way he did while Even was still struggling with an episode. People handled him with kid gloves, because you had to avoid at all cost to offend the kid with a mental illness. Perhaps they were afraid of making things worse. Even wanted to laugh at the idea. People loved to think they had that kind of influence. He didn't know whether it was ignorance, naivety or egocentricity. Probably a bit of the three.  
He was certain of one thing: he was depressed and nothing and no one could worsen or improve his situation. It was not about the others. It was only about him.  
Thankfully, Mikael knew that.  
  
"I just don't want him to see me like this. And I can't stand the idea of him spending his time lying with me when he could - and should - be with his friends, doing normal stuff."  
"I get it, Even, I promise. But what's normal anyway? It doesn't mean anything. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything. Isak is fine. He was, at least, before you shut him out. You don't have to do this."  
"I know. Part of me knows."  
"Okay. Can I say something to the other part?"  
  
Even arched an eyebrow but nodded, a bit curious.  
  
"You're not that important. Stop thinking Isak's life is all about you, dickhead."  
  
Even stared at his best friend, his mouth ajar. That was unexpected. That was probably rude, a little mean and definitely not what you should say to someone depressed. Nevertheless, after the first moment of shock, he started laughing. Not his usual laugh, it was weak and awkward but still, he smiled for a few seconds. Mikael smiled back.  
  
"Sorry. I think I'm being a terrible best friend."  
"No, Mik, I think you're the best."  
"What I meant is, things are going to be alright. You're going to be fine. Isak is going to be fine. And when you think about it, in the great schema of things, you're already fine. I know you don't feel it now and that's okay. I'm just reminding you, you know, just in case."  
"Thank you. I get your point. See the bright side and stuff."  
  
Mikael giggled and nodded. Then, he hugged him for a long time.

*

Even was tired after seeing Mikael so he went back to bed, thinking how tomorrow he'd call Isak and begged for forgiveness.  
Except this day had been a good day and when tomorrow came, it no longer was. He didn't want it but when does his illness ever left him any choice? He didn't even find the strength to text Isak. He just slept.

*

Isak was back. If he were a believer, he would have been tempted to call it a miracle.  
He didn't deserve him.  
But he could hear the voice of his parents and Isak's as well. He heard his parents moving around the apartment, and then the front door slamming, followed by silence. He waited. Isak didn't come. But he could hear his steps in the living-room; he knew he was there.  
He didn't hate him. And he really didn't deserve him.  
Even put his hand on his phone and hesitated ten minutes before finally sending a message:  
_could you come in, plz? if you want to._  
He waited.  
Isak knocked at the door, politely, and partially opened the door. He stood on the doorstep in silence, hesitating. He should never be hesitant. Even caused this, of course. It was his fault. He was tempted to blame himself, to be drowned in remorse.  
But he didn’t. He had to fix things instead.  
  
“I’m so sorry Isak, I’m such an asshole! I’m sorry for talking to you like this. You were so great and patient with me and you didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did.”  
  
Isak stared at him for what felt like hours. He didn't seem to be angry, more like disconcerted. He hesitated, opening and then closing his mouth several times, before finally whispering his answer.  
  
“It’s okay. I understand.”  
“No, don’t do that, please. You have the right to be mad at me. You have _to_. Don’t let me treat you like this and then forgive me. My illness isn’t an excuse. Never.”  
  
He shrugged, avoiding Even’s eyes.  
  
“I just… I just miss you. I don’t want to be angry or hurt anymore.”  
“I’m sorry,” Even repeated, because he didn’t know what else to say at this point.  
  
Neither Isak, who didn’t come closer to him like Even thought he would. He kept standing by the door, playing nervously with the cord of his sweatshirt. Shit, Even couldn't bear the sight anymore. Isak wasn't supposed to be nervous in his presence. It still didn't feel right at all.  
  
“I… I’ll be in the living room if you need me,” Isak stated as he was already turning his back.  
“Isak.”  
“It’s okay. I know you don’t need me, I just meant-”  
“ _Baby_ ,” he interrupted him and this time, Isak looked at him in the eyes. And they were _so_ sad.  
  
They both moved and met half-way, hugging each other tightly. If Even didn't feel his heart leaping with joy in his chest, if he hadn't missed Isak so much, he would have admitted willingly that they were way too dramatic. But in this moment, it seemed necessary.  
  
“I’m sorry for implying you were babysitting me. It’s not true, I didn’t even mean it. I didn’t want you to spend your time with me in the dark and I- I don’t know. It’s like I wanted you to hate me,” Even explained, his lips brushing against Isak’s neck.  
  
His boyfriend took a step back, so they could look at each other while still holding the other’s waist; staying close.  
  
“Remember when I told you that only you can feel what you feel?” Even nodded. “Well, it works for me too. Only me can feel what I feel. But you took a decision for me, assuming what I was feeling. And that sucks, Even.”  
  
He still wasn’t angry; his voice was calm and his hand was stroking Even’s hair in the back of his neck with so much tenderness, it almost made him cry.  
  
“Okay. You’re right,” Even replied and he meant it. “I won’t do it again.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah.” Isak smiled. “You can be very mean when you want to, you know.”  
  
He said it as a joke, although it was obvious that it was true and Even knew it very well. He apologized again and brushed his nose against Isak's as another way to ask for forgiveness. Isak smiled again and offered him a chaste kiss in return.  
They were going to be alright.  
  
“Do you want to lay down and watch a movie?” His boyfriend suggested.  
  
Even nodded.  
  
Today was a good day. He didn’t know how tomorrow would be but today, it didn’t matter.  
  
Today was good. His thoughts weren't trying to trick him. They were silent and almost forgotten.  
  
It was enough for now.

*

By the end of the week, he felt his mood improve. Andreas was right; his episodes didn’t have to last weeks. It could get better, thanks to his treatment.  
This didn't mean he was going to spend his Friday night at a pre-game but at least he had the strength to harass his boyfriend.  
  
“Isak, you need to go,” Even repeated for the tenth time. He checked his phone and sighed, “seriously, you’re going to be late.”  
“Whatever,” his stubborn boyfriend replied.  
  
Isak was standing in the middle of the bedroom and kept changing of sweater, for the sole purpose of pushing the deadline.  
  
“I don’t want to go,” he whined and pouted like a six-years-old. Even tried his best not to laugh. He had to stay serious for this.  
“I think you do, deep inside.” Isak rolled his eyes.  
“Bullshits. And you know what, I shouldn’t leave you.”  
“Don’t make this about me,” Even warned but then added, his voice softer, “I’m sorry, I know you wanted me to come with you.”  
“It’s fine.”  
  
They stayed silent, doing nothing but glancing at each other for a moment. Eventually, Even spoke again.  
  
“I’m sure it’s going to be fun.”  
“Even, I’m going to a concert church with my parents. There is no universe where it's fun.”  
“Well, who knows, maybe in another universe Carly Rae Jepsen is singing at this concert church.”  
“Again, _no_ fun.”  
“Stop hurting me, Isak.”  
  
It made Isak smile and it was a small victory for Even.  
  
“Okay, what if we go back to your place after the concert?” The older boy offered.  
“What?”  
“You must be sick of being here. _I’m_ sick of being here. And I miss your bed. Go see your parents and when you get back, we will leave for your flat, okay?”  
  
Isak considered the proposition with a dubious face.  
  
“Are you sure it’s a good idea?”  
“I’m feeling better. It’s fine. My parents won’t mind.”  
“Hm. Eskild had been asking about you. Too much, if you ask me.”  
“Really? I missed him too.”  
“Stay far away from him.”  
  
They both laughed. Even missed this, actually, talking and joking, more than anything else.  
  
“Okay. We have a deal,” Isak agreed finally.  
  
He went to the concert church and even though he didn’t talk much about it when he came back, he was in a good mood. Isak stayed that way even when they made it to the flatshare where Eskild hugged Even too long and too tight and bothered them for a hour.

*

Because of his episode, Even had missed more than two weeks of classes. It annoyed him a lot since he didn't want to take too much delay and see the same scenario than last year happen again. Isak told him to take things minute by minute, but under his pleas, he retrieved course notes and assignments from Even's classmates.  
When he felt better, Even tried to catch up. His parents had warned his teachers and they agreed with the school that he didn't have to come back to school before the holidays. Which started at the end of the week anyway. Yet, he couldn't help but feel guilty, especially in the morning when Isak got up and went off to school alone.  
  
Nevertheless, Isak was right...  
  
Minute by minute.  
  
He could do that.

*

Even had almost forgot Isak and him weren’t alone on Earth until Vilde invited herself in his messages inbox.

Vilde: Hello Even! How are you doing? :) :)

Hi Vilde, I’m great. You?

Vilde: Fantastic! :)

Have you seen the message I posted on the Kosegruppa facebook group?

 

 _Kosegruppa_.

He didn’t even remember this thing existed.

 

No, sorry. What’s up?

Vilde: All the groups have this Christmas get-together.

And I was wondering, since it went so well last time at Isak’s place, maybe you could ask him if we could possibly have it at his? :)

Hm… Why don’t you ask Isak yourself?

Vilde: If you ask him we both know he won’t say no. Not to you :)

 

_What???_

No one knew about Isak and him, except the boys, Eskild, Linn and Noora, but they would never say anything to anyone. Especially not to Vilde...

 

Why do you think that? Last time was good luck.

Vilde: Don’t play dumb with me, Even!

???

Vilde: I know you and Isak have a thing.

It’s fine :)

I love gays!!!

 

_Ugh._

Well, there was no point in deny it now.

 

How do you know? Since when?

Vilde: Please.

I know ever since you asked grumpy Isak to host the pre-game and two minutes later he agreed…

That and the fact you hooked up in his bathroom during the party :)

Right…

Vilde: So are you going to ask him??? :)

Yes, Vilde, I’ll do it.

Vilde: Great! You guys can invite your friends too!

Like Magnus and all!

 

Interesting…

 

I’ll ask Magnus. Have a nice day Vilde :)

Vilde: Thank you! You too! Say hi to Isak for me. See you soon <3

  
  
_Sure…_ Isak was going to be thrilled.  
  
“Baby, Vilde texted me.”  
“Fuck no, Even!” He exclaimed like if he could read his mind and then, “let me guess. We are having a party next Friday?”  
  
_We._  
He liked how it sound. He nodded.  
  
“Whatever. Remind me to text her to know the details.”  
  
Even smiled. What a soft grumpy boy after all.

*

The next day, after Isak had finished with his classes, they went out for a walk and ate kebab. They talked, laughed and kissed, and Even started to think he was completely done with his episode.  
  
“I just remembered something funny!” Isak exclaimed. His smile was bright and he almost jumped from the bench. “My mother told me the other day that I was born on June 21, 1999 at 21:21.”  
  
Isak was a man of science so he would probably protest but for Even it couldn't be a coincidence. Shit, it was like they were meant to be or something.  
  
“Swear it?”  
“I swear.”  
  
Even blinked.  
According to his body, he definitely was done with his episode.  
  
“Now I have a boner,” he confessed and Isak laughed.  
“Should we leave?”  
“You bet we are.”  
  
He took his boyfriend’s hand and they almost ran to the flat.

*

When they finally reached Isak's room, they kissed, rushed and uncoordinated, and they undressed each other with shaking hands, stumbling and laughing on the way, until they fell on the bed.  
To the second their bodies hit the mattress, their embrace became more desperate, their kisses more heated, and their laughter was silenced to be replaced by their panting breaths.  
The mood shifted, in both an exciting and uncertain way.  
He was so caught up in the moment that Even struggled to calm down and focus on Isak, who was, he realized, whispering his name in his ear and clinging, stuck between the sheets and Even's naked body.  
  
“What do you want?” He asked,  
“You. I want you,” he answered immediately.  
  
The words made him dizzy.  
Isak pushed him away gently and leaned over his nightstand. He opened the drawer and pulled out lube (Even's doing from three weeks ago) and condoms (not Even's doing, meaning it was Isak's and it made him feel even more shaky. And definitely turn-on).  
  
“Wow. Okay,” he said, because he couldn’t think to anything smarter. He was a mess, but in a good way this time. Isak smiled, shy and yet, still holding the bottle of lube in his hands. _What a sight._ “Okay,” Even repeated, “how do you want me?” And Isak shook his head immediately.  
“I'm definitely keeping your offer in mind for next time, but tonight, I want you to do it to me.” That was without a doubt the hottest thing Isak has ever told him. And the confidence in his voice wasn’t helping. _Isak had thought about it before._  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah.”  
  
Even grabbed his neck and kissed him hard, until they were laying again on the mattress, their bodies pressed together.

*

Everything that came next was a succession of shots, with just the perfect light and perfect angles.  
  
_Isak_ , desperate and breathless.  
Even’s lips against his neck.  
Holding him tight against him.  
His weight on top of his.  
His body pinning him on the mattress.  
An embrace of tender flesh.  
Blushing cheeks.  
Kissing a constellation of moles.  
Leaving his fingertips on his hips.  
Whispering: “I wish I could crawl under your skin and stay there forever.”  
_It’d feel like home._  
  
Isak begged: “I love you” and “please” and “ _Even._ ”  
  
And it broke him into a million little pieces.  
  
“Anything for you. Anything.”  
  
Like-  
Stroking and brushing his fingertips on the tender skin between his thighs like a paintbrush on a canvas.  
Working him open with careful fingers, just like he would play an instrument, except Isak’s music is a combination of the most breathtaking sounds and the most intimate silences.  
Pushing into him, just like sliding slowly to Heaven; nothing but the soothing pulse of life, soft and tight edges, a place made of bliss and safeness.  
  
“With you, I feel whole again.”  
  
_Did I said it out loud?_  
A panting murmur in an ecstatic haze: “Then keep me. Let me be your home.”  
He swore something shifted inside his chest and he already knew that it would never go back to the way it was before.  
  
“Don’t stop”, Isak sobbed against his ear.  
  
So he carved out a place for him inside his chest, a hole, that he’s never going to be able to fill with anything else ever again.  
He fit so perfectly inside him-  
In the wet heat between his legs, but not only.  
Body, heart and mind.  
  
“I love you too, Isak. _So much_.”  
  
Maybe he gave him a piece of his soul that night.

*

Things sped up after this; they were so close, in every way.  
Even grabbed his thighs, digging his fingers into the tense flesh, Isak’s legs spread wide and around his waist; he kissed his eyelids, bruised his lips and pushed deep, once, twice, until-  
They both held their breath and-  
  
“Together.”  
  
_La petite mort_.  
Isak brought him back to life, putting all the pieces back together. He knew then that he could fill the void inside his soul.  
Then-  
A breathless confession: “You ruined me for anyone else.”  
They stayed close, wrapped in each other's arms, legs intertwined, noses brushing, breathing in the other's mouth.  
  
“So did you, baby… So did you.”

*

It took Even forever to recover from his high (or at least, it seemed like it). But when he did, he felt wide awake.  
  
“Next time, we switch.”  
  
Isak found the strength to laugh at his eagerness.  
  
“Okay,” he agreed and pressed his lips against Even’s bitten collarbone, “but now hold me tight and let me sleep.”  
  
So he did as asked.

*

The next day, Even got up before Isak to make him breakfast. They took a shower together, just holding each other under the hot stream, and Even insisted to accompany his boyfriend to high school. On their way, they couldn't keep their hands away from each other. They almost ended up making out in the tram and Isak wasn't even paying attention to the people around him. They were still feeling quite overwhelmed and head over heels; it was as if they were the only ones on Earth.  
They kissed in front of Nissen, in front of the other students and in front of Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. Isak blushed but he wasn't ashamed. He kept smiling and giggling, even when the boys had to separate them to prevent him from arriving late in class.  
Even felt like the happiest and luckiest man on Earth.

*

A few hours later, he was waiting for his boyfriend to come back from the kitchen where he was getting them a snack before starting their respective homework when a shocked Isak rushed into the bedroom, hitting the door frame as he passed.  
  
“What the fuck?”  
“Even. I think I’m losing my mind,” Isak declared, eyes wide.  
“No you can’t, that’s my thing, baby,” he joked but his boyfriend wasn’t kidding. “What’s going on? Did you see a spider in the kitchen or something?”  
“No, Even,” he retorted and rolled his eyes. “I just saw Noora…” He stopped.  
“Did you saw Noora naked?”  
  
This thought seemed to terrify Isak more than what he had really seen.  
  
“No, oh my God! I- Noora and Eva were making out in the fucking kitchen,” he finally explained.  
  
Well, it was nice to hear that Noora was moving on from his (awful, from what he had heard) ex-boyfriend.  
  
“Okay? And?”  
“I don’t know. I freaked out. I didn’t expect it.”  
“Baby, you know sometimes girls like girls and boys like boys,” he teased.  
“Oh my God, shut up Even!” He yelled but then he finally laughed. “I’m just surprised. I only knew Noora with William, and Eva with Jonas, then Chris, then… Nevermind. It’s stupid, I know. We both have been with girls before, that doesn’t mean shit.”  
“Maybe Jonas isn’t straight either,” he said as a joke.  
“Sixteen-years-old-Isak would be very disappointed to have missed his chance,” Isak replied playfully.  
“I hope seventeen-years-old-Isak isn’t.”  
“Seventeen-years-old-Isak is a sappy fucker who only have eyes for his giraffe of a boyfriend now.” Even put a hand on his heart.  
“How can you please me and hurt me at the same time?”  
  
Isak laughed and then kissed him hard on the lips.  
  
“Anyway, did they see you?” Even asked.  
“Yes.”  
“And what did you say?”  
“Nothing.”  
  
Even blinked. Slowly. Twice.  
  
“Hm… You saw them, they saw you, and you just… Left? Without a word?”  
“I didn’t want to be their Eskild!” Isak cried to defend himself.  
“What?”  
“You know, being nosy and asking questions…”  
  
He laughed and took his boyfriend’s hand. Soon, they were standing in the kitchen where Noora and Eva were drinking tea, smiling, giggling and stealing kisses. Even had never seen them looking this happy before. He greeted them and didn’t comment on their blushing cheeks.  
  
“Is it too soon to plan a double-date?” Eva asked with a bright grin. Isak groaned and Even hurried to hit his right feet under the table.  
“This is a great idea!” Even agreed with enthusiasm and he saw his boyfriend rolling his eyes next to him.  
“Even and I could cook something,” Noora suggested. His grumpy boy nodded with enthusiasm and didn’t seem to mind that much anymore.  
  
He ended up looking for new recipes to try with Noora while Eva and Isak were catching up in the background.

*

Isak was arguing with Eskild about the best place to set up the Christmas tree for the Kosegruppa party that would take place in a few hours when Even received a surprising message.

 

Magnus: Yoooo Even, how r u doing? :D

Doing great, thx! What’s up?

Magnus: Listen, I need advices

To hook up tonight

Sorry but I’ve been with a girl for four years

Now I’m dating Isak and not thanks to my flirting skills I’ve been told

So I’m afraid I know nothing about hooking up at parties

Magnus: Exactly!

I don't want to hook up, I want a girlfriend

I want Vilde to be my girlfriend

How do I do that?

Wow, alright!

Did you talk to Isak? He knows Vilde a little

Magnus: Yeah but he’s being a dick

The boys are useless, you’re my only hope

Isak keeps saying I’m too desperate but I don’t even know what it means!

You know what Magnus

I just think you should go all in and be more of yourself

Take desperate to a new level

Magnus: What do you mean?

Well, show her just how desperate you really are, then!

Go all out!

Magnus: Okay, take desperate to a new level

Fuck it, I’m doing this!

THANK YOU I knew I could count on you!!!

Ahah you’re welcome Mags

Magnus: So is it how you got Isak?

With the desperate thing

Definitely!

Magnus: Jeez

And he’s saying I’M desperate like if it was something bad

This is because he's in denial

He doesn't want to admit that he's sappy as fuck

Keep this between us ;)

Magnus: I KNEW IT

Don’t worry, you’re my bro too now!!

And anyway, I’ve been thinking about something

Gays, when they have sex, who’s the man and who’s the woman?

Alright, gotta go

Good luck with Vilde

See you tonight Mags :)

Magnus: BRO

Nooooo

Come on!

Did Isak steal your phone?

I’m sure he did

I was just wondering…

  
*

  
The Kosegruppa party was, contrary to all expectations (mostly his), very pleasant. Most of people were Isak's friends, so not only was the atmosphere chill and friendly, but Even was also able to get to know them more. He chatted for a while with the girls - Sana, Vilde, Noora, Eva and Chris, then he encouraged Magnus one last time with Mahdi's help before running into Jonas.  
  
“Hey Even! Do you want to smoke? Let's take a break outside.”  
  
Smoking wasn’t a good idea considering the past few weeks but he felt like Jonas had something else in mind, so he figured he could just follow him and see what it was really about.  
  
“Sure,” he agreed.  
  
They slipped away and headed to the back door without anyone noticing. They found themselves in the courtyard of the residence where there would be little chance that anyone saw them smoking. Jonas lit up his joint and immediately offered it to Even.  
  
“No, thanks, I think I should stay away for a little while since… You know,” he said and glanced at the other boy, checking if he understood what he meant.  
  
He nodded and put out the joint with no hesitation. He really didn’t have to; nevertheless, Even liked him even more for the kind gesture.  
  
“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Jonas spoke, with a comforting smile.  
“Yeah, me too actually,” he admitted before he added, “I feel bad for putting Isak through all this shit. He shouldn’t be dealing with that kind of stuff.” The curly-boy frowned.  
“What do you mean? It’s not your fault and Isak’s fine. Seriously.”  
“He deserves better.”  
“You saying this is the proof that you deserve him,” Jonas asserted while staring at him right in his eyes. “Honestly, I’ve never seen him that happy before. And I've known him since we are five years old or something, so…” Even felt kind of proud until doubt seeped in his mind again.  
“I guess but… I don’t want him to live again what he lived with his mother.”  
  
Jonas hawked and shook his head, which seemed to mean he was strongly disagreeing.  
  
“It’s completely different, Even,” he stated. “What happened with his mother… It was bad because his dad did mistakes, huge ones actually. The whole situation got out of hand because of his dad’s actions, not because of his mother. Besides, his relationship with his mother has nothing to do with yours. She’s a parent, he expected her to take care of him and not the other way around. Isak doesn’t need you or want you to take care of him. You two are equal. You support each other. It’s different.”  
  
Even sighed, realizing that he had held his breath throughout all Jonas' statement. He felt relieved, somehow, because it was one thing to think it, it was one thing to hear Isak say it, but it was another to hear it from an outsider, and especially a very important person in his boyfriend's life.”  
  
“And trust me, Isak is the happiest guy around there. And it’s coming from someone who wasn’t your biggest fan not a long time ago,” Jonas added with a small smile.  
“I would ask you why you weren’t, but I can actually think of a lot of reasons.”  
“I’ll tell you anyway, so you understand what my point is,” he answered, almost sounding like an old wise man. “I wasn’t your biggest fan because at the beginning I thought you were playing him. But then I met you and I saw the way you were looking at him and I didn’t have any doubt about you after that.”  
“Wow,” Even whispered, because he didn’t know what else to say. He hadn’t expect this.  
“Yeah. So basically, what happened these past weeks aren’t the problem. You freaking out and running away is. Or, was, I hope.”  
“Was. It’s definitely a ‘was’,” he promised and Jonas smiled, looking satisfied.  
  
They stayed silence for a moment, sitting next to each other and looking at the darkness in front of them. Eventually, they got up, ready to head back to the party.  
  
“I’m glad he has you as a best friend,” Even said. He didn’t know why he was saying this, it was a strange thing to confess, but he meant it anyway and Jonas seemed pretty pleased by his words.  
“Thanks. I’m glad he has you as a boyfriend.”  
  
They nodded and then started laughing, conscious of being too serious and a little ridiculous.  
  
“Alright, let’s just get back upstairs before Isak starts to think I’m stealing his boy,” Jonas joked.  
  
They were still giggling when they got back to the flatshare and Isak was standing not far away from the door. He raised his eyebrows but smiled, shared between astonishment and amusement. Jonas waved at him before vanishing.  
  
“What were you doing together?” Isak asked.  
“Talking about you, what else?” He replied and the other boy blushed but rolled his eyes, for good measure.  
  
Even put an arm around his boyfriend and looked at him. Isak was happy.  
  
They both were.  
  
In this minute, it felt like the most important thing in the world and the only that really mattered to him.

  
*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about the late update, but a lot happened in my life and it took me forever to write. And then the chapter couldn't be beta-ed so yeah... I hope I can make it up to you with this 15.000 words long chapter.  
> Unfortunately this is the last chapter. Only remains the epilogue and I'll do my best to post it quickly.  
> Thank you so much for reading this story, it's been so long since I had posted anything on the Internet! But I don't regret it, I missed it very much and you're all so great!  
> I've already started to work on another fiction, this time with chapters of more steady sizes... I'll also alternate the point of view between Isak and Even. What else? It's a cabin trip fic! If you want more information while I write it, feel free to send me a message on my [Tumblr](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/)!  
> ily guys <3 Thank you again for reading me and leaving me your reviews!


	6. Nothing's gonna hurt you baby

 

_Whispered something in your ear_

_It was a perverted thing to say_

_But I said it anyway_

_Made you smile and look away_

_When we dance in my living room_

_To that silly 90's R &B _

_When we have a drink or three_

_Always ends in a hazy shower scene_

_Nothing's gonna hurt you baby_

_As long as you're with me you'll be just fine_

_Nothing's gonna hurt you baby_

_Nothing's gonna take you from my side_

_[[Cigarettes after sex - Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby](https://open.spotify.com/track/1W7Eajq8Hlqiy39QnuKjvD)] _

 

 

*

The day of his 20th birthday, Even started to make a list called “this year of life-changes (or failed changes)”.

He wrote;

 

  1. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder
  2. I’m repeating my last year of high school
  3. I broke up with Sonja
  4. I’m still living at my parents’ place



 

But then he stopped, because he realized this list was full of regrets - except the third point but it still wasn’t exactly a happy memory - and today was his birthday, he shouldn’t be thinking about what went wrong in his life. He should be thinking about the good.

So he crossed it out and started a new one called “always look the life on the bright side”. He smiled like if he could hear Isak laugh at his Monty Python’s reference.

The first point, in fact, had to be about him.

So he wrote;

 

  1. I met Isak
  2. I kept my best friends
  3. I made new awesome friends
  4. I recovered from two episodes
  5. I fell in love



 

He stopped again. It was better but it still wasn’t what he really wanted to write on his 20th birthday.

Because he wanted to think about the future and all the great things that was going to happen to him. He wanted to make a list about his hopes and dreams.

So he did just that;

 

  1. I want to graduate from high school
  2. I want to get in a film studies program



 

He thought about the third one a lot. Not because he didn’t know what to write but because it had been a thought on his mind for so long that he was almost afraid of making it more real by writing it on paper.

Nevertheless, he decided that during this new year he had to overcome his fears and fight for what he wanted in life - no shame, no excuses accepted.

So he made it real on paper;

 

      3. I want Isak and I to move in together

 

Even knew it was early but it didn’t mean it had to happen tomorrow nor next month. It was something he wanted though and he was done denying his own feelings.

 _Only you can feel what you feel_ , right?

So he let himself feel.

“Even? Are you ready?” Isak called from Even’s parents living-room.

At Isak’s request, they had spent the previous night and today’s day at his parents’ place because apparently, he _absolutely_ had to celebrate with his family, on his 20th birthday moreover. But now his boyfriend was waiting for him to leave for their one-to-one dinner at the restaurant, the first step of his birthday celebration night.

“Did you see my snapback?” Isak asked as he walked into the bedroom.

Even put his list in a hurry in his pocket.

“I need to do my hair,” he said, “and I don’t think you’re supposed to wear a snapback at the restaurant.”

Isak groaned, “seriously? We are going to be late, hurry!” and didn’t comment on the second part of his sentence.

Even kissed him because somehow he liked him even more (if it was even possible) when he was grumpy and pissed at him.

Isak rolled his eyes at him and mumbled against Even’s lips, “So, my snapback, did you see it?”

“On the desk?” He suggested.

“Why would it be on your desk?”

Even grinned without saying anything and Isak blushed.

“Oh, okay, nevermind. Forget I asked.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure I’m never going to forget _that_ ,” he said with a smug face.

“Ugh, shut up and go do your hair!”

“I’d rather do you honestly…”

Isak gave him a dirty look and definitely not the good kind of dirty look.

“I’m leaving with or without you in ten minutes!” He threatened.

“You can’t do that baby, it’s my birthday.”

“Even. Bathroom. _Now_ ,” Isak ordered him.

Even complied and laughed all the way to the bathroom.

It was already the best birthday of his life.

*

They were in the tram when Isak told him that he had forgotten Even's gift at the Kollektivet the previous day and he insisted that they went to the apartment before going to the restaurant. Even assured him that he could wait for his gift since they would spend the night at Isak's place anyway but his boyfriend wouldn't listen to him.

So that's how they ended up in front of the Kollektivet's building despite Even’s objections.

“I thought we were going to be late,” he said as they climbed the stairs in a rush.

“We are here now, I’ll just hurry to grab the gift, it’s okay,” Isak replied.

He pulled his keys out from his pocket and tried to open the door. It took him more time than usual because, Even realized, his boyfriend was shaking a little.

“Isak? Are you cold?” He asked.

“What?”

“You’re shaking baby,” he clarified.

“Oh, yeah, I guess.”

Isak wasn’t looking at him and he looked nervous. Why? Something was wrong, Even knew him by now.

His boyfriend opened the door and they moved forward, finally getting inside the apartment. Even was about to hold him back to ask him what was going on when the light switched on and-

“Surprise!!” He heard shouting and his eyes went from a now smiling Isak to the fifteen people standing in the middle of the room with colored balloons and bright smiles.

Even felt his heart beat fast inside his chest as he realized what was going on.

“Happy Birthday Even!” All his friends exclaimed joyfully.

“Happy Birthday baby,” Isak said beside him with a fond voice and he squeezed his hand gently.

It was a surprise party. _For him_.

And they were all there: his childhood friends and his new friends. _For him_.

He couldn’t believe it.

Mikael, Elias, Adam, Mutasim and Yousef were the first ones to rush to him and jump on him (literally), screaming and overflowing with excitement as usual. Even bursted out laughing as they stifled him in a ten-handed hug.

"That's it, you're in your twenties," Mikael said with a smile.

"It's adulthood!" Yousef exclaimed.

"You're the oldest among us!" Elias added mockingly.

"Ugh, don’t say that," Even mumbled.

"Oh my God, Even!" Mutasim exclaimed. "Is it white hair I see there?"

"No, it’s not, shut up!"

"Haha, Isak is still seventeen and you're twenty years old now. Creepy dude. You love innocent boys," Adam joked.

Even managed to kick him in the ankle.

"Ouch! Don’t hit me!"

"You deserve it!"

"Isak is anything but an innocent kid to judge by what can be heard at night," said someone behind them.

"Eskild!" Isak cried immediately. _Eskild_ , of course. Who else?

"What? The walls are thin,” he replied, "come on handsome boys, it's my turn to hug the birthday boy!"

His friends held him a little longer before releasing him. Even barely had time to breathe before Eskild took over, crushing him into a hug as well.

"You're my favorite roommate," he confessed.

"Hey!" Isak and Linn exclaimed beside them.

"Don’t be jealous, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore. I love all my children."

Even couldn’t see because he was still in Eskild's arms, but he was at 100% sure Isak was rolling his eyes at his roommate and he laughed.

Eventually, Eskild released him and Linn came to kiss him on the cheek, wishing him a happy birthday.

"You prepared all this for me?" Even asked, still stunned.

"Isak had to keep you away at your parents' place while the apartment was being set up," Noora explained as Eva and her approached.

This time, he looked around and noticed that they had taken the time to decorate. A large banner was suspended on the wall in front of the entrance with "Happy Birthday Even" written with pink, yellow and blue glitter (like the pansexual flag, Even realized). Balloons in the same colors were flying in the room. A large table covered with a white tablecloth had been installed in the middle of the room, but it wasn't completely white since there seemed to be things written on it.

He wanted to read but Noora and Eva hugged him before he could make a move to try.

"The banner is Vilde's idea," Eva pointed out. "Chris and Sana helped."

"Thank you Vilde,” Even said, his voice shaking a little with emotions, “thank you girls, it’s amazing.”

Vilde offered him a broad smile in response and in the end, he hugged Vilde, Chris and Sana tightly as well.

As someone who loved to hug people, tonight he was very lucky.

“Noora, Yousef and Mahdi cooked,” Vilde said, “Magnus and Jonas took care of the punch.”

“We helped too!” Elias interrupted.

“It took all of you two hours to buy the groceries, what are you talking about?” Sana mocked.

“This is Mikael’s fault. We lost him in the shop,” Adam tried to justify.

“Excuse me?! I did all the work while you were reading magazines!” Mikael cried.

“And Mutasim broke our cart,” Elias added.

“You’re just a bunch of kids, I swear,” Sana complained as she shook her head in disbelief.

Even smiled and laughed. He was so happy, he couldn’t believe all these incredible people were his friends. They cared about him so much; they wanted him to have an amazing birthday, so they threw him a surprise party and spent hours setting everything up.

Even felt so lucky to have them.

They loved _him_.

Just like he loved them.

“And of course, all of this was your boyfriend’s idea,” Jonas said with a kind smile.

 _Isak_.

When Even turned around, Isak was looking at him shyly and there was no word to describe what he was feeling. Gratitude wasn’t enough. Affection wasn’t enough either.

Even love seemed too weak to describe the fireworks inside his chest.

So he didn’t say anything and took Isak into his arms. He held him close, his face buried in the crook of his neck as he whispered soft _thank you_ against his skin.

“Isak! Can we show him the first gift?!” Magnus asked with enthusiasm.

“Fine,” he replied, rolling his eyes at his friend.

They separated slowly and Isak kissed him on the cheek before taking his hand and leading him to the table. Even stopped looking at his boyfriend’s bright smile and paid attention to- his first gift, according to Magnus’ words.

At first, he didn’t understand. There was nothing on the table but the white tablecloth.

But then he realized it wasn’t exactly a tablecloth… It was another banner with words written in different colors and different handwritings all over it.

 

_… You're the kindest person I know…_

… _Even, you’re hot af…_

_… You have the coolest jacket…_

_… You’re my best bro, bro (don’t tell the others)..._

_… I swear your smile could end wars!..._

_… Never change, you are perfect as you are…_

_… Love you man…_

 

And it went on like that.

This time Even fought to hold back his tears. His friends had written him messages all over the banner. Small declarations of friendship-

No-

Of love, _for him_.

Still for him.

“I- I don’t know what to say,” he murmured, “it’s amazing, thank you so much!”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Isak replied, stroking his arm tenderly.

His friends smiled at him. He figured his expression was enough for them to understand what it meant to him.

It was the most beautiful gift.

*

They were all gathered around the table when they gave him his second birthday present.

First, they settled down and filled their glasses, either with sparkling wine or with a bubbly drink without alcohol. Nobody drank though, Sana and Vilde insisting on everyone waiting. Even turned to ask Isak what they were supposed to wait but his boyfriend got up from the table and disappeared into the kitchen with Eskild and Noora.

"I can't wait for you to see your gift," Magnus said enthusiastically as he bounced into his chair.

"Yeah, you're gonna love it," Mikael nodded with a bright smile.

"Isak had the greatest idea!" Eva exclaimed.

It seemed like they had all agreed to make him bursting with impatience.

Honestly, this birthday party was definitely enough; he hadn't hoped for so much, especially now with the messages gift. But now that they were talking about this other present, he couldn't help but wondering, especially now that he knew Isak had picked it.

Fortunately, footsteps from the corridor leading to the kitchen were heard and Isak made his comeback, Eskild and Noora on his heels. He was carrying a huge cake in his hands (the icing was pink, yellow and blue stripes, because his friends were extra like that). His friends started singing as Isak kept walking. On the table, in front of him, Isak put the cake with his twenty colored candles.

He waited until they finished singing the song to blow out his candles.

"Do not forget to make a wish!" Mutasim reminded him and Even already knew what his wish was going to be. No need to think.

It didn’t change the fact that he had needed three attempts to succeed in blowing all the candles, under the exclamations and laughters of his friends. When the last flame went up in smoke, they applauded and he smiled, smiled, smiled ...

"Come on, I'm hungry, give me a knife!" Eskild exclaimed.

"No!" Isak intervened. "You're going to ruin it!"

"What?!"

"I can do it," Yousef proposed.

Linn hastened to give him the knife and he cut the cake meticulously. Then Jonas, Mahdi and Chris helped him serve everyone.

"Thanks, it looks delicious, and the icing is amazing!" He thanked them again.

"It's not over," Isak said with a smile.

He slipped away for a few seconds into his room, raising the pressure even more, and came back with a blue envelope that he gave him. Suddenly, Isak looked shy and nervous as all their friends were staring at Even, watching his reaction. He let out a nervous laugh as he slowly opened the envelope.

He blinked.

At first he only saw the name written in capital letters in the center of the paper he was holding in his hands.

 

_NORDIC INSTITUTE OF STAGE AND STUDIO_

 

The well-known school in film and art in Oslo.

He held his breath. Read the paper several times.

"Fuck!" He exclaimed because he had no other words.

They were offering him courses in filmmaking and video editing, in one of the study programmes he wanted to apply to and go study next year.

"It's awesome, thank you, thank you, thank you!" He exclaimed, jumping off his chair.

He took Isak in his arms and hugged him tightly. His boyfriend let out a startled laugh but hugged him back and kissed his cheek, whispering a "Happy Birthday my love". Even would swear he could feel his heart melt.

Too bad they snatched Isak from his arms.

It was a little forgiven later by all the hugs he received from each of his old and new friends- all these amazing people he loved and who loved him in return and had done everything for him to have a great birthday.

Thank you would never be enough.

But until he could express his gratitude by other means, maybe he could repeat it tirelessly until he might lost his voice.

*

They ate and drank a lot while chatting and laughing, until Eskild and Eva took care of putting the music as loud as possible, inviting everyone to dance; and they did just that, for hours.

Dancing. Teasing each other. Making jokes. Hugging. Kissing. Making tipsy declarations of love. Nothing but love.

And maybe it was Even’s birthday party but a party wasn’t a real party if he didn’t end up making out with his boyfriend in the bathroom.

“Ring a bell?” Even asked between two deep kisses.

Isak laughed, “wanna make out in the bathtub?”

The older boy raised an eyebrow before dragging his boyfriend into the tub, reproducing their first kiss; except it wasn't like the first. Even was different, Isak was different, both of them together were different. And it was so much better. Now was perfect as it was.

“So, are you happy with the party?" Isak asked, looking a little worried, as if this birthday wasn't the best of Even's whole life.

"Of course, I'm so happy, it's perfect!" He replied, still unable to not smile, even when he leaned over to kiss the curly-boy.

"Yeah? You don't regret the diner at the restaurant?"

"Valentine's Day is in two days. We can go to the restaurant in two days," he suggested.

"Oh no, of course you're that kind of guy!"

"What?"

Isak rolled his eyes. "You're celebrating Valentine's Day. And at the restaurant."

"We are celebrating Valentine's Day," Even laughingly corrected him.

"It's so cliché, ugh."

"Baby, we are sappy and cliché. It's quite clear, you can't deny it anymore."

Isak pouted but didn't even try to protest. After all, they ended up in a bathtub at every party just because it became their couple thing. A sappy symbolic thing between them.

"Seriously though, I'm so happy! This party, my gifts, all our friends here... Everything is perfect, thank you so much," he said again.

"You deserve it," Isak whispered against his lips.

"You are perfect."

He scoffed, "I'm not."

"And you set the bar very high for your birthday."

"Knowing you, you'll find something even more extra."

"Count on me!" Even promised.

They stood silent for a moment, their legs intertwined oddly in the bathtub, their arms embracing and keeping each other close, their torso almost touching. It wasn't the most comfortable position (at all, to be honest), but they didn't move. They kept looking at each other, pressing their foreheads, kissing soft and slow from time to time.

"I have a confession to make," Isak said suddenly.

He seemed a little hesitant, or unsure of himself, but at the same time he still had a tiny smile on the corner of his lips. It made Even curious.

"Yes?"

"You know when you went to shower and I stayed in your room to get my snapback?"

He nodded.

"I found something on the ground."

"Okay?" Even frowned.

"A paper, or rather... A list.

Oh.

"Oh."

"Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to read it, but what you wrote kind of caught my eye when I picked it up."

"It's okay."

He meant it. He was only a little embarrassed because Isak had read that he wanted them to move in together. On one hand, he didn't want to pressure him, because after all, they were still so young and they had been together for barely four months; but on the other hand, he knew that he would still feel disappointed if Isak didn’t feel the same about the idea.

"Did you really mean it?" Isak asked with a small voice.

"Yes, but-"

"Were you going to say something about it? Talk to me?"

"I ... I wanted to."

Isak smiled and said, "I want it too."

Even felt both relieved and surprised. He couldn't help thinking that he was pressuring Isak into agreeing. Maybe he didn't want to hurt his feelings, or...

"Isak, it's okay-"

"Even, I'll stop you right away, I already know what you're going to say, and yes, I'm one hundred percent sure."

Isak smiled at him and kissed him gently, "Even Bech Næsheim, would you like to move in with me?"

"Let's be clear, we are talking about taking an apartment together, the two of us, right?"

His boyfriend rolled his eyes, "Yes, Even, I'm not asking you to move in here. You're already living here anyway and five people in an apartment for three, it's no longer possible."

"Oh, so you're asking me to get rid of your roommates?" Even teased him.

"Even, shut up, you didn't even answer my question! I made you a real proposal and you're making jokes."

"Sorry, sorry," he laughed, then took a serious expression. "Isak Valtersen, I would love to live with you."

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Let’s be _that_ couple.”

Even smiled even wider and so did Isak.

“I love that we are being _that_ couple,” he said, “and by the way, you just made my birthday wish come true.”

“If I can, I’m gonna make all your wishes come true.”

“Wow, what happened to my not-sappy boyfriend,” Even laughed.

“There never been a not-sappy Isak. You’ve been misinformed, sorry,” Isak replied with a smile.

“Hm, I’m fine with it,” he nodded. “And you’re already making all my wishes come true. You’re amazing like that.”

“Shut up,” Isak mumbled. “I’m the best boyfriend,” he added after a few seconds, a smug grin on the lips.

“The best.”

“You’re the best boyfriend too,” Isak promised, with nothing but sincerity, love and infinite possibilities in his eyes.

*

Even wasn't a scientist. He didn't know much about physics and cosmology. What he knew he had learned it from Isak.

Months ago he had met this boy at a party who had told him about parallel universes, infinite possibilities and infinite versions of himself. This boy had also told him how everything that could happen had happened, was already happening or was going to happen. Time wasn't a line. Time wasn't a circle either.

Time was a sphere, composed of an infinity of other spheres.

Everything was possible. Everything was uncertain.

But in the midst of all this uncertainty, where the only certainty lay in the unpredictable, Even had found his own certainty.

His own law of the universe.

Not exactly the law of universal gravitation.

_The universal attraction._

Maybe some people were meant to meet. Maybe Isak and him were part of these people, destined to make collide each other's inner universes. To be a part of each other.

He didn't know what life was going to bring them. They could live and stay together forever. Even might decide to travel to discover and film the world. Isak might want to join a prestigious university and study the sky in the desert of Atacama. They could be separated.

Everything was possible.

But in the end, he knew they would always find their way back to each other.

He didn't have much certainty in his life, but he had at least this one; the Universe wanted them together, in infinite times, in infinite places-

Through time and space-

_They had the law of universal attraction on their side._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of this last chapter :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading me, for being so patient and kind to me. It was such a great experience and I'm very happy to have completed this project.  
> It wasn't much, I know, but I think I needed it a lot- to write this little thing full of feelings. I wanted to give myself hope and maybe give you some too.
> 
> Hope and love are the most important things in life.
> 
> Thank you again <3
> 
> Btw, I wrote a one-shot 3 weeks ago: [I want to love you (in my own language)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12325632/) and I'm writing a sequel because I really liked this new universe and version of Evak.
> 
> If you want to talk I'm on [Tumblr](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Lots of love!


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